Embrace life

When I write my blogs in pink it usually means I'm happy about something.  I wouldn't say I'm happy with my new path, but I can tell you I will embrace it and love life again, although I don't think I ever really stopped.  

I woke up this morning and sent this text to many of my groupies:

"Yesterday was tough.  Not gonna sugar coat it but woke up today in better spirits.  Think I might be more scared of surgery & pain than the bag itself.  I look forward to not having to run to a washroom once this all happens.  Maybe I can get the bag in pink or other colours to match my undies!  I am lobbying to get a tummy tuck/lypo. Why the heck not if I'm already getting abdominal surgery.  Don't know the facts but I'm gonna ask.  If I got to go through all this hopefully I can look hotter than ever."

I had a post-op appointment at the cancer clinic this afternoon but with a different doctor as my amazing surgeon (love her!) was elsewhere fighting against cancer.  Seems that I'm healing from the inside-out...maybe that's why I feel so much pressure but my question to the doctor was when I'm off the anti-biotics can I have a drink....it's Christmas and I hurt...I just want a drink!  She chuckled and explained the proper practices of alcohol and medications but I got a smile and the go ahead.

On the way out I asked the nurses at the desk if I could leave a note for my surgeon since I didn't see her today.  The note was hand written with 3 questions that came up since yesterday's call.  I think you know question 1 & I hope she laughs but also knows I'm totally serious!

My spirits are higher today but it's because of other people who have set a bright path before me.  I have close friends and family who have gone through their own pain so I follow their footsteps to a cancer free life...a better life. 

#carly2conquercancer 

XOXO

C

Overtime

Tonight Florida & Washington set an NHL record in the shoot out.  They went 20 rounds before the Florida Panthers finally won the game.  So far in my "hockey game" of cancer I've gone 4 rounds; lymph node removed, chemo, radiation and surgery #1.  Well fans get ready for round 5 as surgery #2 is headed my way this Jan/Feb 2015.  I will not be selling tickets to this overtime event however I will gladly take an audience as visitors when able.  

I received a call from my surgeon this afternoon that the margins we hoped for just aren't there.  A good margin is 8mm and mine are 1mm & 2mm.  Even though we had great results with the shrinking of Big Kahuna and considered to now be cancer free, all would be short lived.  If I stayed as I am today I'm almost guaranteed to get cancer again and soon.  The only way to give myself the best possible outcome is with a colostomy. 

I meet with my surgeon for a full information session about what's to come on Jan 21st.  Plastic surgery will be involved as skin will be removed from my thigh and used to create what she called a flap.  My incision will go to my belly button so I've requested a tuck while they're in there.  It's like the lottery..ya never know.  At least that could be a benefit for me to look forward to.  Gotta ask right!  Who doesn't love a 2 for 1 deal!

This surgery is much more extensive than the one I just had.  Abdominal surgery added in to the mix means recovering over a longer extended amount of time and needing a lot more care.  I expect to hear the exact time lines in January but was given a rough estimate of 2-3 months. 

With all this bad news I saw such strength in my family today.  My brother was at my apartment within 20 minutes, dad followed in another 10 and mom arrived soon after with auntie Shely in tow.  I didn't even call them to come they just knew this was my biggest fear & came.  We sat in my living room as I read out my chicken scratch notes...my penmanship was a mess and too much paper was used but pretty sure I got most of the facts.  Some tears were shed but also had some laughs as Shane is now to be called Super Brother!  Once we settled things up Shane and Dad went back to work, I collected my basics and auntie Shely drove me and mom back to my parents. 

I have a lot to think about and figure out over the next couple weeks but feel confident I'll come out on top.  With family and friends like you how can I not.

#carly2conquercancer 

XOXO

C

Box of chocolates

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" -Forrest Gump

I think I need to start watching movies about those who overcome adversity and see the better side of life again.  I need something to dry my tears.  I need purpose for all this pain.  I need to inspire myself more than ever before.

I've never climbed a mountain, not even the Grouse Grind (shocking as a YVR local but so not me), I don't ski or snowboard but let me tell you I've climbed & leaped other types of mountains this past year.  I want to say I'm done....I'm sick of it...but that just doesn't seem to be the cards I was dealt.  I've got a crappy hand right now and I'm asking for a re-deal STAT!

I cried a lot tonight, my dad listening while sitting on the bed telling me I could use the Kleenex to it's full potential...such a Grant comment!  I sum up our long conversation like this...I need all this pain and suffering to mean something...I need it to give back to me...I can't be the victim I must be the victor.  This won't just happen, I need to take the lead.  I'm a leader so I can do this.  

I feel guilty when I have my sad moments as I know there are people out there with no support, with nobody sitting on their bed listening to them cry.  You can't control disease like you can your calorie intake and that is so frustrating.  So how I deal with that is my future.  It will be the giving back I seek. 

Never say never but I don't see myself taking up skiing or climbing the grind.  Sweat and cold...2 things I dislike more than the Toronto Maple Leafs!  I will however pack a picnic for you and I'll always be willing to be the cute ski bunny in the lobby!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Scoreboard

I'm calling cancer a game.  Like a hockey game.  Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Sometimes the big brute from the other team beats you up, other times you knock him out.  That moment when you look up at the scoreboard to see how much time is left.  Will the game go in to overtime? 3-2-1......

My recovery seems to have followed the Canucks success on their recent Eastern road trip, not fun!  Not that any of this is meant to be fun but I feel beat up.  At this stage of the game I'm tired and it's hard to move.  I just want to get back to the old me, or the new me I should say, since Big Kahuna has left the building...he was given a game misconduct!

During the healing process they say it gets worse before it gets better.  Is this the worst and the end or will I get a rest and start overtime?  Perhaps my best season will be in 2015.  Either way I'll win the game and my trophy is life...much more grand than any Stanley Cup...well sort of! Go Canucks & go Carly go!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Cinderella

The newest version of Cinderella is being released in theatres March 13, 2015.  I can't wait to see it...it looks amazing!  Who cares that I'll be just shy of my 40th year lining up to see this film no doubt with girlfriends in tow, we grew up with Cinderella and love her.  

I've often dreamt of the tale through my cancer journey. My cancer plays the role of evil step-mother holding me back and causing me pain, the mice are my friends & family rooting me on and of course my mom is the fairy god mother who gives me strength and hope. 

Cinderella isn't just about meeting her prince, but also about how to conquer what's been put in front of you.  When you want change I truly believe there are always people there to help you. Sometimes those we least expect are those who touch or help us the most.  Over the last few months I've made new relationships I didn't see coming, strengthened ones long forgotten and seen why certain people are in my life.  I've conquered in 2014 and it feels better than any fairy tale....it's my tale.

2015 brings forward my Cinderella story of change.  How can I be a better person, how can I mean more to myself and to others, and how maybe I'll find my prince along the way. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Adios Big Kahuna

I'd made up several scenarios in my head over the last few weeks regarding the removal of Big Kahuna.  I woke up Monday morning in good spirits, put all those scenarios behind me, and mom and I drove to VGH to get the show started!

I couldn't have painted nails or wear any makeup so instead went for comfort wearing royal blue lounge pants with my oversized & overworn Canucks hoodie.  The comfort was short lived as once I walked through the pre-op doors I was given a gorgeous gown, cap and booties.  I lay in the bed & answered the usual questions....is this your DOB?  Any allergies? On any medications?  I met with my operating team and off I went waving goodbye to mom as I headed to the OR.

In the OR I spoke of hockey and celebrity gossip before going to la-la-land and woke up in recovery 2.5 hours later.  I was told the first thing I said was "big kahuna gone."  I don't remember saying much of anything but apparently I provided some laughs.  I had to stay in recovery until 730pm as there weren't enough porters to get me to my room.  I was well taken care of and feeling no pain.  I was allowed to call mom to have her come and give me my glasses so I could see properly.

I finally was taken to my room and had 2 surprises.  My cousin Stephanie was going to stay with me so mom could have a break and that the room that holds 4 was empty.  I got the bed with a view by the window and had a private room until midnight.  My dad came to visit and had me smiling although I wasn't feeling too hot. Not too long after dad left I started to shake and couldn't stop.  My stomach was empty, I just had major surgery and my body was pissed off!  I was shaking so bad Steph had to hold down my legs as the nurse injected meds to my IV calming me down.  At midnight Steph set off for home, I put in my custom ear plugs and fell asleep just as new roomies arrived. 

The next morning my surgeon woke me to share the surgery news.  Big Kahuna was gone!  A biopsy was done of the margins and in 1-2 weeks I'll hear the results.  If the margins are clear then all is done, but if not I'll have a 2nd surgery resulting in a colostomy. Knock on wood the margins are clear. 

The rest of the morning and afternoon had a few speed bumps including me having to self-administer a post-op blood thinner shot in my thigh.  I'll have to do this everyday for the next 10 days, hope my aim remains good!  With support from my nurse & doctor I was discharged at 6pm just 27 hours after surgery.  Pretty incredible.

The next few days will no doubt bring some pain and discomfort but this pain is nothing like what I felt during radiation. Doctors often say "on a scale of 1-10 how painful is it". Radiation was an 11 and this an 8.

Thanks to my friends & family who came to visit me in the hospital and for everyone's messages. I'm blessed having so many great people in my corner.  

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Time announced

Just a quick blog as I now know a little more. 

I get admitted to VGH tomorrow, Monday Dec 08, at 1030am.  When I actually start and finish surgery is not known but I'd guess show time would start around noon. 

I've packed my bag and included a plush leopard print robe, red sock-like slippers my grandma Allen used to wear and my Canucks touque should my ears get cold.  I always have to have something Canucks near by or on!

Between my mom and my friend Cathy you should hear updates via email, text or Facebook.  As soon as I'm able to see straight and complete a sentence I'll be sure to blog. 
XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C