Monday, October 10, 2016

Thankful

It's 10pm and I'm in pyjamas laying in bed which funny enough, is where I write best. I came to realize I haven't written an entry since late August!  A couple months ago I would have still been up watching tv & somewhat down emotionally.  I wouldn't say I was in a depression as I hate to use the term loosely, but I was in a funk.  I call it the "cancer perguatory" where you aren't fully recovered but you're cancer free and living life somewhat normally again. I wanted to work but was scared, not sure if I had value to bring, not sure if I could simply do it.  But with support from those who love me most and my amazing doctors, I put myself out there again but it was one of the hardest decisions I'd made in a long time. I never had to decide to fight cancer, I just did since I had to, but trying to get life back was so hard. 

I'm so thankful that I did. I can say with every ounce of me that I'm happier than I was even possibly before my battle.  I've lost all my cancer weight and even some extra, I love my job, love the community of Tsawwassen and my newest crew members. How can I, how am I, so lucky to be here when so many others aren't. I've learned to not think this way too much as it can really get you down, I've learned it's ok to live again. I truly love my life and those in it.

Mom and I went to NYC a few weeks back after seeing family in Ontario. It was to see Jimmy Fallon, a man who helped me laugh when all I could do was scream. He doesn't know me but he sure helped me. As he ran up the stairs I luckily got a high 5 and almost melted. Pretty full circle moment for me and being with my mom who's been my rock since day 1. We explored the city, saw the sights, musicals and hopped on and off the bus. Wouldn't call it my favourite city I've ever seen but I can say it was my favourite time with mom over the last 3 years. 

My Mavi store in Tsawwassen Mills is open and I'm still kicking. My pelvis sore and the limp still strong, but I frickin did it.  My team loves me and those who guide me through the Mavi ways inspire me. As a result of walking in NYC and working my knee swelling is going down. I no longer walk stairs 2 feet at a time. I'm completely off all cancer and anxiety medications (which were making me a little crazy & shake) only taking meds to balance my hormones and Crohns. 2 years ago I was on so many meds in so much pain and now I'm here, truly remarkable. 

Sitting around the table with 13 Allens this Thanksgiving made me smile. How close I was to not being at that table and there I was bickering with my brother like the old days. I wouldn't give up those brother moments for anything. 

I now wake up 2 hours earlier each day and run a bath. I no longer want to feel rushed or stressed first thing, I want to feel calm and happy and a hot bubble bath sure makes the happy list.  I make my lunch, go to work and train my team, try to not exceed my hours worked, remembering if I can do it tomorrow to do just that. When you're told you might die, missing an email or not getting all those boxes unpacked sure isn't important and instead can be important the next day. I jokingly tell my team that if I, a recent stage 3 pelvic radiated chemo induced surgery prone lady can do it, they can do it too!

Be thankful. Act thankful. Feel thankful. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

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