Have you seen the IKEA commercial when the lady runs out yelling “start the car”? It’s a catchy advert that I’ve jokingly used many times. Lately I literally want to start my car and drive with no particular destination in mind, but instead to just get far far away. However we all know you can’t run away from your problems, they always run with you if not faster.
Battling and beating cancer once before in 2014/15, I felt I’d do the same upon my 2nd diagnosis in 2017/18 and it started out that way. I knew my treatment plan and accepted it but now 9 months post surgery find myself in a tough place. I’ve gently used the word depression in previous posts but know now I am absolutely struggling with depression. Had you asked me in June where I’d be today I’d have told you the complete opposite. I was a warrior princess kicking cancers ass and accepting my new reality. I may have been a little naive in what that reality really was.
My hernias popped up mid recovery and things quickly changed. At first I thought I had just one and that it was small, but soon discovered via CT scan that in fact there were two. One in particular is very large and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you it’s the size of a volleyball. My surgery may have kept me alive and cancer free however it’s changed my body dramatically. My ostomy is the least of my concerns as I feel better with Winnie than without her, but when you add in the reconstruction and hernias it’s overwhelming. I’m not feeling like the woman I once was nor the woman I want to be and it’s a big struggle. I have things to do along this recovery road to get me there and it’s a lot to take in.
I often struggle with cramping when Winnie does her thing and this could be a result of the hernia resting on or blocking my intestine. Obviously I don’t want to have the awful cramping pain so food then comes in to play. If I eat too much roughage I pay for it but it’s healthier. If I eat less or what’s considered less healthy I feel better. Like seriously? Yet again I can’t get a break. No joke my spring mix may spoil so please come over and eat it!
I’ve been crying a lot lately to the point that my eyes hurt. Over the past 3 months I’ve seen multiple doctors but felt discarded, so today when I met with my amazing oncologist I let it all out. When she walked in I was already emotional talking with a clerk I know quite well and welcomed her to the gong show. Where’s the gong drum when you need it! Y’all don’t need to know exactly what was said & what was done but just know it was intense and emotional .
I do have some positive news in that a January consult with a hernia surgeon has been booked. I don’t know when I’ll have my final recon surgery but have filled out the admission papers so waiting on the call. I’m seeking therapy which I haven’t done up until now, not because I was embarrassed but because at the time didn’t need it. However now I do. Half the battle is to recognize so my eyes are wide open, and not just because they’re sore!
I don’t think an IKEA shopping spree will help but a nice set of nails, cute ostomy bag covers made by my aunt and possibly some wine could solve a few issues. Christmas with my family, texts about your crazy lives and snuggles with my deaf cat will have to do for now. In true Carly fashion I will forge forward knowing it will be ok but man it sure ain’t an easy road, speed bumps ahead.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch
