Late Night

I seem to write my best blogs late at night. Right now it's 1:30am and nothing but quiet surrounds me. Only noise I hear is Simbas tail wagging & hitting the hardwood floor. Why he chooses to sleep on the floor vs other Simba friendly spaces I don't know...but whatever!  I hear no neighbours, no cars, no doors slamming. All I hear is myself reading this aloud as I write it. I am my best audience.

My monthly check-up went well this past Wednesday. Dr sees no signs of concern even after I explained the sensitivity in my groin. This feeling could be from more movement or it's just going to feel that way going forward, but a huge relief as I was a bit worried. I still have a 2cm alien however as long as it doesn't grow it's causing no harm. We aren't even sure if it's cancer. With my PET and MRI scans being every 3 months, if this alien does grow we will catch it in time & deal with it accordingly. But so far so good so time to keep on moving!

Since day 1 I told myself I'd try my best to dress well and/or have good hair 'n makeup. There were days my face was so green no foundation could help, but in general I did my best. I did this for me. I was home all day looking sick so wanted to look decent when going out. If I was going to a treatment or to the grocery store darn right I dolled myself up a bit. A lot of times I was wearing oversized baggy sweats, but my face & hair looked fierce!  Anyone who is sick needs an escape and this is mine. The glares and stares people give you get old so masquing the illness makes its better. Just because you're sick, doesn't mean you have to look the part too!

After my check-up was over I was waiting on mom to head home, and sat down beside a young woman. She had on a cool felt grey hat so I complimented her on it. She loved that I complimented her hat and soon was showing me her cute bald head and telling me more about her journey and how she's doing. Compliments are a thing we often take for granted or misjudge. I challenge you to see how 1 compliment can make you or someone else happy. Own the moment. Right as I was saying goodbye, the woman complimented my necklace. I said thanks and to take care, both of us with smiles on our faces continuing on with our days. It was a great moment.

Hopefully over the next week I get a recreation pass organized with The City of Delta. There are so many great activities offered at my local community centre. Aquafit, Yoga, spin and more. My body is telling me it's ready to move again so I gotta listen. These outings will however be makeup free as the last thing a girl needs is mascara running down her face.  But if I'm being totally honest I'll probably wear lipstick!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Handbags

Going through cancer is like switching a handbag, some days you're clutch and other days you're oversized.  Some bags are colourful and cheery and others black and dreary. But the one thing I really relate to a handbag, is the switch. The moment when you change your bag but forget to swap all the items. How did I not swap the Kleenex, the small brush and even a pen?  Here I was thinking I was cleaning out the bag but really I missed what was in it. 

I just celebrated another milestone reaching 180 days cancer free. With such happiness also comes many feelings, thoughts, goals and ongoing struggles. Some days I feel like I'm holding that cute black and white clutch but suddenly I'm carrying a black bucket bag, everything buried deep inside. Why can't I control these things?  How can I fix these things?  These are 2 questions I ask myself almost everyday. There really is no answer. I keep telling myself the good ol' slogan "time heals all wounds" but I don't know how much time and that bothers me. I want structure and I'm not getting it.  It's time to create it!

My monthly check-up is this Wednesday afternoon at the Cancer Agency. Lately I've felt change in my groin where lymph nodes were removed. It causes me concern but must remember the recent MRI showed no sign of cancer so I'm hoping what I feel is skin healing, blood pumping differently or something the doctors can describe. I don't want to live appointment to appointment anymore. I want to build my new life. 

When I get the go ahead from doctors to re-enter the workfoce, I plan to work PT and test my boundaries. I have not stood on my feet for 6-8 hours in one & a half years, so as easy as standing on your feet sounds, add in all my surgeries and treatments and you'll see....it ain't easy.  Maybe a florist position, or cashier at the local grocery store. Just show up, do my thing & go home. No responsibility for a team, just moi!  I hope to make some new friends along the way, laugh again and stop talking to my cat as much!!  I'm applying this November for enrolment to attend Kwantlen Polytecnic University Sept 2016.  If accepted, all handbags are out and a knapsack or stylish book bag will replace them. No matter how cute the clutch, it can't fit no books!

This cancer journey really is a roller coaster ride physically and emotionally. I couldn't make it through The Dave Matthews concert without a few concerns, so last thing I need is a real life coaster ride at the PNE!  Currently too big of a crowd for me, and honestly, I just don't know which handbag I would have used!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Me

I've been writing this blog since I was told I had cancer. I've written about treatment details, surgeries, procedures and loads more. I think one important thing I've yet to really write about is ME!

I've known for a while that the aftermath isn't easy.  Finding the new you and the new normal is difficult.  Lately I've found myself sad, sad with myself. No matter how many people support and love me ultimately I need to love myself. My bubbly personality is the perfect facade and truly shows you that you can't judge a book by it's cover. There are a few things I do to rid me of the sadness. Biking, a good hair doo, and now that fall is here, wearing a good pair of boots making you wanna strut like Beyoncé.

Having so many amazing people attend my birthday party truly showed me how lucky I am, but it also showed me what I'm missing.  People who love their jobs, their husbands/wives, newly in love, about to become parents or soon embarking on an amazing holiday. They've worked hard for all these things and I just can't help but wonder if I can do the same going forward.

As I met new people in various ways over this past year, I would easily introduce myself. A crowded room doesn't scare me nor will I hide in a corner, I go say hello nice to meet you.  A lot of people asked what I did for a living, (the 2nd most asked question in the world), and I responded that I was just finishing up a battle with cancer. If they had questions I was an open book as I like to believe that knowledge is power and I'm also proud to say I've made it this far. Illness has no face but it has explanations.

I'm worried that with my amazing journey I'll end up alone.  Men I meet range from 30-45 and I consider that young. Why would any one of these men want to take me on when they can get a version pretty identical somewhere else. Maybe not identical because we all know Carolyn does me some good hair, but there are lots more single fabulous 40 year old women out there ready and willing.

The kid topic is more of a roadblock than I thought it would be.  When people catch on to the fact I can't have children the conversation goes to adoption, surrogacy etc etc. I was totally accepting to the fact I wouldn't be a mother, until the recent past when I joked if my future husband wants a kid badly, we will get eggs of an Olympian and create a kick ass kid.  I started to say this so much that I almost believed it. I am 99.9% sure that I will not be a mommy. I leave that .1% chance open just in case this scenario does come true but this isn't a movie of the week!

Somehow I need to move on from this but it's hard. I've been looking more in depth at schooling and life post disability. I'd like to get back in the work force on a minor scale level but first need clearance from my doctors. Some days I'm whistling away & dreaming of change, other days I'm exhausted or having side effects from treatment or symptoms of Crohn's.  I like to think I've done a good job handling most of this but there's loads of room for improvement to be had. I think we all can improve at something right?

So lets sum up this blog. Looks like I need to steer clear of men, work out as much as my body permits me and love myself....my new-self.  I usually adapt well to change but this change is a little more difficult than picking out a new colour for my bedding.  I might have curtains in 7 different colours...just sayin'!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Post party

I often hear people say "fabulous at 40" and until I knew what that felt like I obviously shrugged it off. This past weekend I felt fabulous and not just because I was now 40 and "cancer free" but because of all the love I felt and saw in front of me.  DNA linked me with many and long term friendships with others, but when the room was full all I felt was love.   It was a night to remember, a night I'll never forget.

Throughout the party a lot of people spoke to me about this blog.  Am I going to keep it going?  Am I going to write more often? Can I recommend a good mascara?  I laughed at that one!  Apparently people think I'm a good read, how very flattering!  The answer is yes I will keep writing and yes I can recommend you a great mascara!  My journey is ongoing and writing has become part of my new normal.

There are some funny photos from the photo booth I had set up at the party linked on here.  If you don't have access to Facebook or Instagram and want to see the photos be sure to check them out. I was laughing for quite a while as I loaded them up.  Looks like people had a good time chuckling away with a funny prop be it Elton John like glasses or a furry boa.  I can easily send you a copy of your photo too, just let me know!

Thank you everyone for coming from near and far. Ontario was well represented with cousin Crissy making a surprise guest appearance and of course all the friends and family from the GVA. I would not be 40 and fabulous if not for all of  you!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Birthdays & Anniversaries

I didn't fear turning 40, if anything I embraced it. Last year on August 16th I was in incredible pain as I turned 39 & was out for dinner with my Uncle B and Aunt Katyann.  I was walking with a cane and struggling to sit but happy to be with them and dreaming of life at 40. Here I am 1 year later just home after a birthday dinner with one of my best friends Erynn, in no pain and cancer free, but instead knowing my limits of my new normal.  Gone are the days of stuffing yourself full of amazing food at an amazing restaurant and instead bringing home left overs for later.  There was no cake or sparklers but really why do I need that?  Life is my sparkler and my loved ones my candles. 

Today, August 18th, marks 1 year since starting chemotherapy. I remember being so scared at last years birthday dinner of what was to come and this year I celebrated how things are and how far I've travelled along this cancer journey.  Erynn and I spoke of the future, some great memories of the past and how to bridge them going forward. Sounds so easy to do but really it's harder than one might think. 

There will always be anniversaries of diagnosis dates, treatment dates and cancer free dates. A day I had surgery or a day I struggled, but now I need to figure out how to make these anniversaries mean something and move forward.  I look forward to seeing where I am at 41 to see what good I've put back in to the world after a horrific experience. At times I've found myself being harsh in self judgement and tend to think I'm the same woman I was pre-cancer, but in reality I am not the same woman. Struggle doesn't mean we have to be worse off it can also make us better, the road along the way may just have more speed bumps. 

This weekend I'm celebrating my 40th birthday.  My closest family and friends will all be in one space and I'm really excited to sit back and watch them all interact. I don't need this party to be about me, I just need it to be about us.  Family and friends who would move the world for each other, who have moved the world for each other, and will continue to do so. My only want is for no tears, but at least they'd be tears of joy and love....I am my fathers daughter! 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Roller coaster

Roller coasters are fierce. They toss you like a rag doll, make you scream, you might even cry, you're up you're down and could even get whiplash. This is exactly how I've felt with my cancer diagnosis but I'm sick of riding the coaster!  I'm ready to sit back on the swings and check out the scenery looking upwards & onwards.

Today I had an appointment at the Cancer Agency which I thought was to sign consent forms for a further in depth biopsy ultimately deciding if I get a colostomy aka 'Winnie'. The past 2 weeks have been stressful for my family & I. The idea of another hard surgery & recovery was scary. I sort of went in to a "this isn't happening" zone with the mindset of August being the last month as I know myself physically.  Like earlier this year I had made peace with Winnie but today that all changed.

Lots of sick people means we have lots of doctors, and today 2 doctors I don't usually see reviewed my case & prognosis. I'd met these doctors before but they weren't the leads on my treatment plan. In short, they think additional biopsies could cause more harm to me than good.  They feel monthly checkups and MRIs every 3 months will catch cancer if it comes back. The 2cm alien I currently have might not be cancerous and as long as it doesn't grow then everything is fine. Needless to say I had lots of questions & although happy with this good news I was frustrated.

I can't count how many times I thought I was ok and then heard I wasn't. I coped & got through, but after a while it becomes like whiplash and you can't get your head straight.  Now that this has all happened I need to set boundaries to stop the coaster from tossing me around in the future. Knowing the worst case scenario is totally different than thinking it's the only case scenario.

I still have some challenges with food and digestion but to know I don't have cancer is pretty amazing.  I've often said I was looking for my new normal but really what is normal? Everyday I'm just glad to wake up, get stronger & live. Living is normal but life isn't. It's a puzzle and piece by piece I look forward to seeing my picture and making sense of it all.

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

The 3 I's

Inspire...to fill someone with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.

Inspiring...having the effect of inspiring someone

Inspired...an extraordinary quality, as if arising from some external creative impulse  

You don't need to be ill with cancer or any other disease to feel one of the 3 I's, however a life changing time can easily bring these to the forefront.  A friend, relative or a perfect stranger are often examples of people who bring you face to face with one of the 3 I's. This past Wednesday and Thursday I met some new strangers via Inspire Health and was very inspired. 

Inspire Health is an organization of supportive care for cancer patients and their support system.   The 2 day 'Life Program' helps members with coping skills, connects you with other patients dealing with a previous or existing cancer diagnosis, nutritional sessions and much more. I walked in for 8:45am and almost walked out. I was nervous to hear other people's battles, announce mine to those who could so easily judge me and not be in control of my surroundings. One by one we said our names, type of cancer and where we live. At first I was timid and held back, but by the end of role-call said it all & choked back tears.  A few in attendance said there was no cure for their cancers and others were just starting their journey.  

Over the 2 days I got random hugs, loads of knowledge and strangers became new friends. I've never been in a room full of people who could so easily understand my struggles and I theirs, it was truly inspiring. I highly recommend anyone who has access to Inspire Health to join as it costs you nothing financially and the pay back is priceless. 

I did get another follow up call about my MRI and go in to the Cancer Agency Tuesday to hear next steps. Another biopsy will happen soon and that will tell us if this alien is cancerous or not.  Like I said in my last blog, the colostomy could be my new normal. Obviously this is not something I want but it is better than the flip side.  A quote I read the other day said "It's better to poop in a bag than in a coffin". Oh so true. 

Living life as best I can and grabbing hold of the 3 I's any way they show themselves to me. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer 

C