Me

I've been writing this blog since I was told I had cancer. I've written about treatment details, surgeries, procedures and loads more. I think one important thing I've yet to really write about is ME!

I've known for a while that the aftermath isn't easy.  Finding the new you and the new normal is difficult.  Lately I've found myself sad, sad with myself. No matter how many people support and love me ultimately I need to love myself. My bubbly personality is the perfect facade and truly shows you that you can't judge a book by it's cover. There are a few things I do to rid me of the sadness. Biking, a good hair doo, and now that fall is here, wearing a good pair of boots making you wanna strut like Beyoncé.

Having so many amazing people attend my birthday party truly showed me how lucky I am, but it also showed me what I'm missing.  People who love their jobs, their husbands/wives, newly in love, about to become parents or soon embarking on an amazing holiday. They've worked hard for all these things and I just can't help but wonder if I can do the same going forward.

As I met new people in various ways over this past year, I would easily introduce myself. A crowded room doesn't scare me nor will I hide in a corner, I go say hello nice to meet you.  A lot of people asked what I did for a living, (the 2nd most asked question in the world), and I responded that I was just finishing up a battle with cancer. If they had questions I was an open book as I like to believe that knowledge is power and I'm also proud to say I've made it this far. Illness has no face but it has explanations.

I'm worried that with my amazing journey I'll end up alone.  Men I meet range from 30-45 and I consider that young. Why would any one of these men want to take me on when they can get a version pretty identical somewhere else. Maybe not identical because we all know Carolyn does me some good hair, but there are lots more single fabulous 40 year old women out there ready and willing.

The kid topic is more of a roadblock than I thought it would be.  When people catch on to the fact I can't have children the conversation goes to adoption, surrogacy etc etc. I was totally accepting to the fact I wouldn't be a mother, until the recent past when I joked if my future husband wants a kid badly, we will get eggs of an Olympian and create a kick ass kid.  I started to say this so much that I almost believed it. I am 99.9% sure that I will not be a mommy. I leave that .1% chance open just in case this scenario does come true but this isn't a movie of the week!

Somehow I need to move on from this but it's hard. I've been looking more in depth at schooling and life post disability. I'd like to get back in the work force on a minor scale level but first need clearance from my doctors. Some days I'm whistling away & dreaming of change, other days I'm exhausted or having side effects from treatment or symptoms of Crohn's.  I like to think I've done a good job handling most of this but there's loads of room for improvement to be had. I think we all can improve at something right?

So lets sum up this blog. Looks like I need to steer clear of men, work out as much as my body permits me and love myself....my new-self.  I usually adapt well to change but this change is a little more difficult than picking out a new colour for my bedding.  I might have curtains in 7 different colours...just sayin'!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C