Handbags

Going through cancer is like switching a handbag, some days you're clutch and other days you're oversized.  Some bags are colourful and cheery and others black and dreary. But the one thing I really relate to a handbag, is the switch. The moment when you change your bag but forget to swap all the items. How did I not swap the Kleenex, the small brush and even a pen?  Here I was thinking I was cleaning out the bag but really I missed what was in it. 

I just celebrated another milestone reaching 180 days cancer free. With such happiness also comes many feelings, thoughts, goals and ongoing struggles. Some days I feel like I'm holding that cute black and white clutch but suddenly I'm carrying a black bucket bag, everything buried deep inside. Why can't I control these things?  How can I fix these things?  These are 2 questions I ask myself almost everyday. There really is no answer. I keep telling myself the good ol' slogan "time heals all wounds" but I don't know how much time and that bothers me. I want structure and I'm not getting it.  It's time to create it!

My monthly check-up is this Wednesday afternoon at the Cancer Agency. Lately I've felt change in my groin where lymph nodes were removed. It causes me concern but must remember the recent MRI showed no sign of cancer so I'm hoping what I feel is skin healing, blood pumping differently or something the doctors can describe. I don't want to live appointment to appointment anymore. I want to build my new life. 

When I get the go ahead from doctors to re-enter the workfoce, I plan to work PT and test my boundaries. I have not stood on my feet for 6-8 hours in one & a half years, so as easy as standing on your feet sounds, add in all my surgeries and treatments and you'll see....it ain't easy.  Maybe a florist position, or cashier at the local grocery store. Just show up, do my thing & go home. No responsibility for a team, just moi!  I hope to make some new friends along the way, laugh again and stop talking to my cat as much!!  I'm applying this November for enrolment to attend Kwantlen Polytecnic University Sept 2016.  If accepted, all handbags are out and a knapsack or stylish book bag will replace them. No matter how cute the clutch, it can't fit no books!

This cancer journey really is a roller coaster ride physically and emotionally. I couldn't make it through The Dave Matthews concert without a few concerns, so last thing I need is a real life coaster ride at the PNE!  Currently too big of a crowd for me, and honestly, I just don't know which handbag I would have used!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C