Roller coasters are fierce. They toss you like a rag doll, make you scream, you might even cry, you're up you're down and could even get whiplash. This is exactly how I've felt with my cancer diagnosis but I'm sick of riding the coaster! I'm ready to sit back on the swings and check out the scenery looking upwards & onwards.
Today I had an appointment at the Cancer Agency which I thought was to sign consent forms for a further in depth biopsy ultimately deciding if I get a colostomy aka 'Winnie'. The past 2 weeks have been stressful for my family & I. The idea of another hard surgery & recovery was scary. I sort of went in to a "this isn't happening" zone with the mindset of August being the last month as I know myself physically. Like earlier this year I had made peace with Winnie but today that all changed.
Lots of sick people means we have lots of doctors, and today 2 doctors I don't usually see reviewed my case & prognosis. I'd met these doctors before but they weren't the leads on my treatment plan. In short, they think additional biopsies could cause more harm to me than good. They feel monthly checkups and MRIs every 3 months will catch cancer if it comes back. The 2cm alien I currently have might not be cancerous and as long as it doesn't grow then everything is fine. Needless to say I had lots of questions & although happy with this good news I was frustrated.
I can't count how many times I thought I was ok and then heard I wasn't. I coped & got through, but after a while it becomes like whiplash and you can't get your head straight. Now that this has all happened I need to set boundaries to stop the coaster from tossing me around in the future. Knowing the worst case scenario is totally different than thinking it's the only case scenario.
I still have some challenges with food and digestion but to know I don't have cancer is pretty amazing. I've often said I was looking for my new normal but really what is normal? Everyday I'm just glad to wake up, get stronger & live. Living is normal but life isn't. It's a puzzle and piece by piece I look forward to seeing my picture and making sense of it all.
#carly2conquercancer
XOXO
C
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