I've been thinking long & hard about judgement lately as some has come my way. We're all guilty of judging others and if you really pay attention you do it multiple times a day. Maybe it's what someone's wearing, a news hot topic, or how the clerk bagged your groceries. Some things we judge are visible and others aren't.
When I was in the thick of my illness you could look at me and know I was ill no matter how much lipstick I'd apply! As I got better I started to look better but what people don't see are the hidden changes. Today was day 84 since I heard I was cancer free but it's also day 84 of extreme leg pain, constant fatigue, a sore body and emotional stress.
Some people who have cancer don't have much pain but I had pain for nearly one year. I think as we heal it's easy to forget how bad it really was. I was curled up in my bed crying calling friends and family asking them to tell me jokes to take my mind somewhere else, even for just a minute. Then treatment came and this blog was born documenting my journey. How can one be "normal" just 84 days after being told you're cancer free....you can't, or at least I can't.
Everyday I wake up and give myself a task. It could be as simple as cleaning my floors or going out for a good bike ride. I want to get stronger so I can be normal again or my new version of normal as I am forever changed. Big Kahuna might be gone but he's left a mark never to go away. Some days I struggle with this and other days I might say a curse word or 2 and tell myself to keep on conquering.
Scary thing is not knowing if I'm ok. When I was in the hospital after Christmas my surgeon explained that if the cancer comes back in my groin there is no further treatment. I've had lymph nodes removed, chemotherapy and radiation, as much treatment as possible. The last couple days my groin surgical area has been sensitive so needless to say I'm worried. I'm going to call the cancer agency and get an appointment sooner than what's scheduled for early July. My PET scan is June 23. I don't think I should wait but I'm scared, so scared. Hopefully my bike rides are to blame but I've got to get checked.
I apologize to anyone who has judged me of late. Maybe my photos of me smiling isn't representing my actual reality. I've just had it so bad this last year I've wanted to show a happier me. Am I not allowed to get prettied up? Riding my bike is something I'm very proud of. Not only for the exercise portion but just to be able to sit on a seat and go. When something so simple was taken away, you just want to celebrate every day you can do it again. Perhaps I'm living as much as I can right now until my next results come back.
I wear the Fuck Cancer t-shirt all the time. I have 2 now and I wear them because it's how I feel and how so many others do too.
XOXO
#carly2conquercancer
C
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