When I was first diagnosed I was a lot of things. Scared...angry but I had purpose which was to wake up everyday and fight Cancer. I had no choice, it had to happen. So many people told me how brave I was, how strong I was and wished me well. For being a very sick young woman I felt so very blessed.
When I got news 101 days ago that I was cancer free I felt like the Triple Crown winner (horseracing recent champ Pharoah). I was on a winning streak and was so inspired and happy, nothing could get me down. Eventually the winner will lose and looks like it's that time for me.
I think I've hit my recovery rock bottom, sounds scary but I need to admit I'm a bit of a mess. At least I've got good hair & lipstick... Gotta have a win somewhere right? As you can see my humour is still around so I'm not a goner quite yet!
Cancer took away many things and I'm struggling at getting them back and redefining myself. Yes nothing happens overnight but being sick is hard. I'm trying to keep that positive attitude & drive but man it's tough.
Not sure if you watched Dancing With The Stars this past season, but the gentleman who placed 3rd was missing a leg & an arm. His name is Noah Galloway and you should read his story. He said he was mad and angry but after he mourned his injury & change, he picked himself up and transformed to who he is today. I think of him as tears roll down my cheeks when I'm sad and in pain. I need to be like him...strong.
I'm thinking it might be time I see a therapist. I know loads of people who do, it's almost weird if you don't have a therapist in Vancouver. Lots of things make me sad or angry from my bad leg, to being alone a lot, to Crohn's struggles, sore body and just being a survivor. Nobody ever said surviving was easy and it's not. I feel disconnected from people and life and I want that to change. Being sick is almost like moving across the country. You don't see people as much and you don't know as much of the daily. Not saying they don't care, I just wish they cared more.
This past week with the bleeding has taken me back to the beginning. Last time I had a biopsy I was told I had cancer. A flashback I don't really need or want but unfortunetly it probably won't be my last flashback Friday! My energy has been really low so if this is to continue I need to find a way to push thorough. Maybe I should put up a photo of Noah as inspiration.
With all this said, I wouldn't change a thing. This is part of my path but right now it's just a little bumpy. I've got a few months to get strong & healthy so maybe talking to someone can help me get there a bit easier. I know what I want so now I've got to make it happen with help and on my own.
Two sentences that help me often:
1) one day at a time and 2) this too shall pass
XOXO
#carly2conquercancer
C
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