Bunny

Remember the commercials for the Energizer bunny....it keeps going and going. Kinda the way things are with me of late. Today marked 1 year and 3 months since I heard the words "cancer free" and I'm  just like the bunny & keep going and going. I like to think my batteries need a charge here and there, or maybe a replacement, but I charge on regardless.

I heard a bit ago that I wasn't selected for the school program I applied for last November. Obviously a bit of a disappointment but after what I've been through I shrugged it off. There were some red flags the last couple months making me question the university, it's processes & my future, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Physically I've been feeling pretty good. After I met with the physiatrist and got a prescription for anxiety medication, I've noticed a big difference. I still have struggles but not as bad as before. A couple issues have occurred but don't we all have something holding us back now & then?  I need to work on how to communicate to people my limits & abilities. As much as I might appear and act ok, I'm not quite there and know how to mask it. It's all about my settings and sometimes people just don't get it. I hate to feel like I'm a burden but every once and a while I am. 

My reintroduction of raw vegetables is going well and I'm so happy about that as it just makes things so much easier. After so long without raw vegetables it was like I'd never had it before. I could have written a love letter to tomatoes!

Mom and dad are currently travelling in Europe and sounds like they're having an amazing time, minus missing me of course!  My auntie Karen came over the other day and helped me recover some patio chairs spiffing up my outdoor space. A little DIY to a 1968 set and now they look like new. Shane is loving the weather and golfing as much as he can. I'm not sure of his handicap but word on the street is he's quite good. Jay, Maria & the kids have settled in to their new home and the kids are growing like weeds. 

My new normal continues to unfold. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer 

C

Head check

On Tuesday I was back at the Cancer Agency for a sit down with a psychiatrist. I often hear people talking of going to a "shrink" for various reasons so wasn't embarrassed or nervous.  As I sat in the patient lounge on the 5th floor waiting to be called, all I saw were memories. It was in that very lounge not so long ago I had napped between chemo and radiation.  It was in that very lounge I had filled out admissions paperwork, called loved ones and shed a tear.  When my memories faded and I looked around me, I saw those exact things happening but this time with strangers. 

I made conversation with a 60 something couple next to me. As much as you don't want to listen to other people's conversations, it's hard not to. They were talking of scans and upcoming treatments so I pardoned the interruption and spoke of what I knew. I hope I was able to shed some light for them as I wished someone had done the same for me in my days in the lounge.  Soon after I was called in to my appointment and wished them well. 

The doctor asked me the obvious questions and then some I didn't expect. Everything from childhood, family, career and my cancer journey. I explained I'd reached out for help because I've been struggling with anxiety. It was during that sentence I got a little misty and the joyful jokester took a back seat. My only real worry heading in to this appointment was that my feelings would be dismissed and no solution would come about. By the end of our session I had a workbook recommendation, told of website resources, given a prescription and a follow up session scheduled for the following month. I felt I was heard and understood. 

I had 5 hours until my next appointment with my GI Doctor so headed to meet mom for lunch.  Mom had golfed that morning so met up with her and her golfing friends at the club. Many of these lovely ladies read my blog and I jokingly refer to them as my groupies. Such a nice group of women who've got some remarkable stories of their own. Seemed though that Tuesdays stories were mostly about their game on the back 9, or was it the front 9?  Regardless I enjoy our lunch dates and must acquire some golf fashion this summer. 

Dr. Weiss is my GI and diagnosed my Crohn's just over a year ago. I haven't seen him since diagnosis  and had a bunch of questions for him.  He gave me a deeper understanding of my condition explaining I don't have a blockage but I do have inflammation and I'll remain on medication to help with it.  He explained the restricted diet (I've been following this past year) is not necessary and to go back to normal eating habits/diet. I don't think he'd seen someone so excited to eat raw vegetables again as he did me. I must have asked him 3 times if I heard him right and then proceeded to punch the air like a punching bag! 

During our conversation he helped me have an "ah-ha" moment. Not to dismiss my level of Crohn's, we came to a conclusion that my anxiety is most likely the main cause of my food issues.  I had 2 defining incidents during treatment that seem to have affected me more than I thought. We feel that if I can get a stronger hold on the anxiety, that the rest will hopefully fall in to place. When I met mom in the waiting room my grin must have been from ear to ear, I felt the cheerleader in me coming out again. 

This journey has been so very hard physically and emotionally, so the times when you come out on top are just so amazing. I haven't felt this full since I heard my cancer was gone. Tonight two of my friends came over for dinner and I ate a salad. It was unreal, tomorrow I'll eat a tomato!

I'm due to hear if I've been accepted to school mid-May. I'm prepared for either a yes or a no but sure hope for the YES. I just feel it's my calling to work in health care. I'm no doctor, I'm no nurse but I am a survivor which carries no diploma but can help in any lounge, on any floor, any way & any time. Love to you all!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Father Time

How time can fly by always astonishes me. You look at the calendar and suddenly it's one month later.  While reflecting on what you did you shake your head, maybe touch your hand to your forehead or even possibly a raised eyebrow and a silly looking face. That's pretty much how I feel tonight. 

Last I wrote I was struggling with chocolate...oh the drama!  I laugh about it now because of how silly it sounds but it was not so fun then when I could hardly stand the pain so severe. Overall I've had a decent few weeks coping with swollen joints and the usual struggles with food and anxiety. I see my GI next week so hoping he can shed some light and dietary referrals my way. I only eat at a few places in town and eat the same thing at each place each time. I'd like to expand my palet but uneasy until I get better advice and direction. Most people crave a burger, I crave lettuce. 

One month ago my friend Amber relocated to BC from Alberta. She came to visit me from Calgary twice during my illness (which in no way was inexpensive for her) & showed me sincere love and friendship. Amongst the visits she took a liking to Tsawwassen & this past New Years' came out again and spoke of the idea of relocating. Now it's happened!  She's got a great job, an apartment & a cruiser bike to come along on rides with me too!  

I'm very fortunate to have great friends in Alberta (from my 8 years living in Calgary) and of course here at home. Most of my school friends are widespread from Kits to Aldergrove, so now having a longtime friend blocks away is pretty amazing. It just might be what I need. Someone closeby besides my family who really knows me, understands the new me but yet can help push me. I'll help and push her too in to becoming the new her as new beginnings seem to be my specialty!  This weekend she moved and I helped set up her apartment. ✔️ for me already, the decor fabulous of course. 

I remember being a fourteen year old girl who'd hear her parents speak of "back when I was ..." Or "I've known her since I was..." stories & thinking they were weird and old. Here I am now telling these exact stories pretty much around the same age they were then. Time seriously has flown by and I'm just so grateful for it. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Chocolate

To some choclate is a sweet many can't say no to, but me, I'd pick a jellybean any day over chocolate. This Easter I had a secret bunny who left a lovely chocolate treat on my door, and it was even wrapped all pretty!  I can't seem to figure out who this mystery hopping bunny is, but I thank you whoever you are. Although I prefer a jellybean I couldn't let my mystery bunnys efforts go to waste, so indulged in the sweet chocolate. Lesson 278....chocolate and Crohn's don't pair well.

I've read a lot of brochures, books, even joined an online support group, but my biggest issue through cancer recovery is food. The radiation has brought my Crohn's so much to the forefront, that I just hate to eat. When I know I'll be out all day & travelling I simply don't eat or pick away at the usual couple things I know won't make me sick. Not being able to eat raw vegetables, seeds, nuts, lettuce, having to watch my fibre intake, trying to avoid wheat & dairy, like what am I left with!  It's so frustrating & I look forward to getting some dietary help. I'm done with the journals, the try and find out method....I want help and soon. 

Getting help isn't always so easy. I visited my family doctor, had 3 visits to the ER (misdiagnosed) & waited 5 months in horrific pain to see a specialist, before being diagnosed with stage 3 vulva cancer. I called the specialist every day hoping for a cancellation, wishing they'd squeeze me in but no such luck.  Once you're a "member" of the cancer club help comes your way. I had scans and my first surgery within a week. I remember saying to myself I'd always fight for help moving forward and now find myself back in the same boat. When I visited with my oncologist a couple weeks back I expressed my needs and concerns and she listened. I now have an appointment with a psychiatrist and my Gastroenterologist on May 10th. Thanks Dr. Lee for listening and helping me since July 2014. 

If I can get my food issues under control I think my anxiety will take a back seat. To know that I've remained cancer free for 13 months is amazing but in order to enjoy the life I fought so hard for this has to change.  I'll know soon if I've been accepted to Kwantlen and will need a steady food routine long before the September semester begins. I'll train myself with a consistent sleeping routine and an early wake up call for daily prep.  Where's my nutritionist fairy godmother?  Hope she hears my tears like Cinderellas godmother did hers!

So for now I continue as I have been in hopes of some new practices and medications by mid May. I'll make sure not to indulge in any more chocolate no matter how many treats you may leave me but should you leave jellybeans, can you throw out the coffee ones?  They're so yucky! LOL  

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Stayin' alive

They say there's a song for everything & I often hear songs in my head. Today's song was Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees. My PET scan came back normal with no changes since my last. Insert chorus here "ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.."

I've always had something irregular in my uterus. Since the beginning of this cancer journey we've never known what it is, so I just call it an alien. As long as this alien shows no sign of change we're happy. No doubt the radiation zapped it over & over stopping its growth as it did my entire reproductive system. PET scans light up irregular cells & today Dr Lee explained that my scan showed it to be less lit up, exactly what I wanted to hear.  Where my tumour once was, or as I named it 'Big Kahuna', all looks good. I was very happy to hear the fantastic news. 

After we discussed the scan results, I asked my Dr some questions and shared my concerns about my anxiety. It was hard for me to show my weakness, but I trust her 110%. I've been struggling the last few months and think I need some help. Perhaps I tried to hide it because it's not something I dealt with pre-diagnosis, I'm not sure, but it's an issue and I want it figured out. Everyone says things like "you're so strong" or "you inspire me" so the last thing I want is to let people down but ultimately I can't let myself down. 

The highs and lows of anxiety are terrible so I need to figure out an every day fix and not just a temporary one. A lot of the "in the moment" medications mean you can't drive and I need to be mobile and remain somewhat sane. I'm no nut job after all....or am I?  So we reached a decision that I'll meet with a phychiarist who'll help evaluate my needs. Now let's not get too crazy with the shrink business, he need not go too deep in the vault or judge the fact that I love wearing black and white (with a bold lipstick of course). I'm skeptical but open. I'm willing and ready. 

I said to my friend Carolyn tonight how I think I'm a better person post cancer. She told me I was always a good person, now I've just grown up some and have different values. What used to bother me rolls off my back, and things I shrugged off before are now centre stage. She's bang on, perhaps she should be my shrink and save me some hassle. Maybe we can also hit up a Karaoke Bar and sing some Bee Gees. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

A new PET

The title of this entry might have you thinking I got another cat. Fear not...I keep my cat count at 1 and with that my cat lady status under the radar. I still have Bob though. He's my fish gifted to me by my godparents for my 40th birthday. Well actually he's Bob II.  Original Bob was a Goldie and died after 6 days so was replaced with a Beta fish, aka Bob II, as apparently they live longer. 

Simba remains an only cat and today I was at the Cancer Agency for another PET scan. This is my 4th PET scan since my diagnosis. It's nuclear medicine images are used to detect any abnormal function of cells or organs. Basically I got scanned to ensure there is no cancer growing anywhere in my body.  They let me leave my boots on so guess the feet aren't of concern. Our poor feet always get a raw heel, I mean deal!

I consider this the easiest of the 'big 3' scans; MRI, CT and PET. The MRI is loud requiring earplugs & earmuffs, the CT makes you feel like you'll pee yourself but you don't and the PET sounds like a fan is on. Of course all these scans require dye injections and IVs, some making you radioactive for 6 hours which could cause some ruckus at the border. There was no going for gas in Point Roberts today!

March 23rd I'll have my 3 month physical check-up and also hear the PET scan results. I feel fine but always like to hear I'm fine. Without pain so my cancers go undetected, so as much as my pain sucked, it saved my life. March 11th marked my 1st year anniversary being cancer free so hope these results keep me on pace for a second. 

My pride isn't overly impressed but I'll be discussing coping mechanisms with my doctor for my anxiety. I don't have problems every day but think I need some assistance for moments when I do. I'm getting better at overcoming these episodes but it's very much a part of my life and see no reason to ignore it. 

One of my dearest friends had a baby a couple weeks ago and yet again no child has been named after me! Instead her sweet name is Sofia Maria. My friend & I had a little phone cry the night she was born. My friend so elated at becoming a mother, I happy for her, but also 5% of me was sad I'll never have that mommy moment. 2% because I'll never be a mom and the remaining 3% because I'll never name a kid Moonbeam or Apple. Those aren't my real favourite names but I do have a list. If you're in need let me know & I'll send it to you.

Remember if you subscribe to my blogs being emailed to you, you can't reply. You have to go to my blog web page to comment or message me directly. You'll also see pictures on the web page too. Maybe I'll post a photo of Bob II tomorrow, he's growing up so fast. I sure love being a Pet-mom!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

8 Mile

Most of us know what 8 Mile relates to.  The older generation think Detroit and the youth of today think of Eminem. Either way we all know. It's a limit, a border or a boundary. The city of Detroit & it's 8 mile community or perhaps instead our inner border or boundaries. Eminem had stage fright and I assume still does in some way today, but eventually got up there and killed it. Now I'm not saying to make Eminem your muse and become a rapper with bad hair, but I am saying get up!

I had a lovely lunch today with mom and one of her friends. I'd never met Corry before but she is an avid reader of my blog and also a cancer survivor. I joked that she is just another groupie as I seem to be getting a following, but seriously she's just another person who makes me want to get up!  Now this does not mean I'm not open to finding a nice man and being a kept woman (lol), it just restores my faith and drive, reminding myself with inspiration comes aspiration. 

Having this week away has been quite therapeutic. I'm not chanting while ringing bells at the pool, but have been thinking quite a bit. I've thought about everything from stocking my wine rack to building my legacy. 5 minutes later I'm pissed off as I forgot my adult colouring book....who doesn't feel better after colouring!!  I continue to hear positive feedback about my writing so exploring ways I could branch out or sum up this blog.  

I'm trying to "get up" by breaking down some of my boundaries as best I can on a daily basis. For a quick fix, I often look up a sappy quote on Twitter. Helen Keller, Oprah, Michael Jordan & Henry Ford seem to be popular. Just now I read this via Inspirational Quotes:
                    "You can't build a reputation on what you're going to do" - Henry Ford  
Like thanks Henry, how long that take you to come up with? But he's right. I somewhat feel better?

Growing up in the streets of Kitsilano (Vancouver BC for my out of town groupies) is hardly 8 Mile, but regardless of where we grew up or where we got knocked down, we just got to get up each & every time.  

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C