Head check

On Tuesday I was back at the Cancer Agency for a sit down with a psychiatrist. I often hear people talking of going to a "shrink" for various reasons so wasn't embarrassed or nervous.  As I sat in the patient lounge on the 5th floor waiting to be called, all I saw were memories. It was in that very lounge not so long ago I had napped between chemo and radiation.  It was in that very lounge I had filled out admissions paperwork, called loved ones and shed a tear.  When my memories faded and I looked around me, I saw those exact things happening but this time with strangers. 

I made conversation with a 60 something couple next to me. As much as you don't want to listen to other people's conversations, it's hard not to. They were talking of scans and upcoming treatments so I pardoned the interruption and spoke of what I knew. I hope I was able to shed some light for them as I wished someone had done the same for me in my days in the lounge.  Soon after I was called in to my appointment and wished them well. 

The doctor asked me the obvious questions and then some I didn't expect. Everything from childhood, family, career and my cancer journey. I explained I'd reached out for help because I've been struggling with anxiety. It was during that sentence I got a little misty and the joyful jokester took a back seat. My only real worry heading in to this appointment was that my feelings would be dismissed and no solution would come about. By the end of our session I had a workbook recommendation, told of website resources, given a prescription and a follow up session scheduled for the following month. I felt I was heard and understood. 

I had 5 hours until my next appointment with my GI Doctor so headed to meet mom for lunch.  Mom had golfed that morning so met up with her and her golfing friends at the club. Many of these lovely ladies read my blog and I jokingly refer to them as my groupies. Such a nice group of women who've got some remarkable stories of their own. Seemed though that Tuesdays stories were mostly about their game on the back 9, or was it the front 9?  Regardless I enjoy our lunch dates and must acquire some golf fashion this summer. 

Dr. Weiss is my GI and diagnosed my Crohn's just over a year ago. I haven't seen him since diagnosis  and had a bunch of questions for him.  He gave me a deeper understanding of my condition explaining I don't have a blockage but I do have inflammation and I'll remain on medication to help with it.  He explained the restricted diet (I've been following this past year) is not necessary and to go back to normal eating habits/diet. I don't think he'd seen someone so excited to eat raw vegetables again as he did me. I must have asked him 3 times if I heard him right and then proceeded to punch the air like a punching bag! 

During our conversation he helped me have an "ah-ha" moment. Not to dismiss my level of Crohn's, we came to a conclusion that my anxiety is most likely the main cause of my food issues.  I had 2 defining incidents during treatment that seem to have affected me more than I thought. We feel that if I can get a stronger hold on the anxiety, that the rest will hopefully fall in to place. When I met mom in the waiting room my grin must have been from ear to ear, I felt the cheerleader in me coming out again. 

This journey has been so very hard physically and emotionally, so the times when you come out on top are just so amazing. I haven't felt this full since I heard my cancer was gone. Tonight two of my friends came over for dinner and I ate a salad. It was unreal, tomorrow I'll eat a tomato!

I'm due to hear if I've been accepted to school mid-May. I'm prepared for either a yes or a no but sure hope for the YES. I just feel it's my calling to work in health care. I'm no doctor, I'm no nurse but I am a survivor which carries no diploma but can help in any lounge, on any floor, any way & any time. Love to you all!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C