Hanging tough

Most of us over the age of 30 know who NKOTB (New Kids On The Block) are. A boy band from the 90's who had numerous hits including the popular "Hanging tough".  It came on the radio today as I was driving, crying while talking to my buddy Carolyn (hands free of course) on the phone feeling like a panic attack was happening. The timing of this song couldn't have been any better. 

Driving long distances is my biggest struggle right now. I get anxious. I see things. I feel things. I kinda freak out. There have been numerous days where I have had to cancel plans as I don't feel I can drive or I get in the car and have to turn around. My anxiety is a result of my Crohn's. If I know there aren't possible pit stops on the way to where I'm going, it's really hard to overcome it. My solution or the way I cope with these moments, is by talking it out. A co-pilot is always a good one or like today I call a friend to help me change my way of thinking. 

Today was a day I couldn't turn around. It was a day with no co-pilot. I had to be at Kwantlen in Surrey to complete a typing test for my program application. I drove around the neighbourhood for nearly 10 minutes before calling Carolyn and exiting onto the highway. She told me I could do it. With her motivational speech and the first stretch of highway conquered, I regained my composure, hung up and drove. Icing on the cake is that I exceeded the minimum typing score achieving 55WPM with 92% accuracy. 

Every cancer patient gets left with some sort of aftermath, mine just happens to be crappy....literally!  I just get so sick of these darn hurdles. I've done everything I was told since day 1 but have days where I just hate it all. I try not to let it get to me as there are so many people not beating cancer, but it does. The amount of pain I had & continue to live with sucks. Why can't I be one of the survivors who can jump back in to life again, especially in a trim pant size?  Ugh.... But it is my journey. My new normal. 

I'm headed to meet mom in Palm Desert Wednesday AM.  I fly out of Bellingham early morning and this is not a drive I can turn around from. I'll download "Hangnig tough" onto my iTunes and play it over & over until it drives me crazy & my fears are conquered yet again. Gotta keep jumping those hurdles!! 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Lose the booze

Another sleepless night means writing another blog in the dark while laying in bed. It really seems to be how/where I write the most.  The silence is so quiet I hear myself talking as I write. Not real talking just talking in my head...you know what I mean!

Most of you likely recall that I'm fundraising for the BC Cancer Agency for the month of February via Lose the Booze.  At the start of day 1 I was in the lead for most dollars raised and now sit in 3rd shy of top spot by $110.  I want to take back top spot for 2 reasons: 1) to keep raising money for the battle against cancer and 2) my competitive ego! At least I'm honest in saying I like to win!

I was contacted by Lose the Booze a couple weeks ago wondering if I'd be willing to share my story and how I've gone about raising funds. I feel honoured that they selected me and recognized the efforts I've put in to this campaign.  It's never fun asking for donations but as you know I'm very passionate about giving back to the people who saved my life and help others every single day. I answered some questions and approved a draft that will be submitted to local media. Once it's published I'll be sure to let you know.  

My school application process will be complete come month end. I've sent in transcripts, about to do a typing WPM test and attend an information session in March. I'm told come April I'll be made aware if accepted. It truly is a numbers game as there are only so many spots available, so fingers & toes are crossed! I think I'd be a fantastic Health Unit Coordinator and never would have selected this career had it not been for the ladies in this role at the Cancer Agency. Thanks for the inspiration ladies!

Merci beaucoup to all who've sponsored me thus far. From $10 to $100 it all makes a difference and donations are gladly welcomed until the 29th...leap year!  Help my ego...help the battle.  But let's start small and just say it's for the ego!

www.losethebooze.ca
Search my name: Carly Allen & click donate

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Struggle

About a week ago I was talking with a girl friend from Calgary who I don't see often but still remain in touch with. She was telling me how much she admires my strength and drive through it all. I've heard that before. It's very kind to hear and most days I think I've done a pretty good job at beating this disease and staying upbeat, but today was not one of those days. 

I've been battling a flu..cold..whatever this darn thing is for a while now. The crippling cough started around Christmas and the rest followed later. Watery eyes, runny nose, plugged ears...I had it all and bad. Right when I thought I was turning the corner it hits me again. I reached a low point tonight around 11:30 and called a dear friend in tears. She was kind to listen and was very understanding of my "what if.." all while reassuring me that I'll be ok.  This cough is so harsh that I'm dizzy. I cough so loud that I asked my neighbour if she can hear me through the walls!  She couldn't as her laundry machine was on but did bring me some honey to help soothe my throat. 

Add in the fact that the PT job I applied for hasn't advised me yay or nay, I think I just hit a point of no return. I'm over qualified so I'm angry I haven't heard. Like seriously?  But then the good angel on my right shoulder reminds me things will happen when it's time.  Yesterday I was driving with a friend in heavy traffic and started to panic. I had to reach a restroom. I was only a few blocks away but we weren't moving. I did some breathing, remained calm, turned left illegally...but I made it. 

I guess lately I just kinda feel like the cards aren't in my favour. The strength isn't always there. Sometimes I just need to cry. I hate thinking "what if" and rarely do but it's always in my rear view mirror. Add in dealing with Crohn's and it's a real pain in the butt....literally!  I can usually cope on my own pretty well but tonight was just one of those nights when I wish someone lived with me to hear me out & even give me a hug!  Simba wants nothing to do with me as the cough bothers him too!

This blog is my virtual hug. It's my virtual roomie. My strength isn't gone it just took a day off. The struggle will end soon enough, most likely via antibiotics and at least I can hog the covers!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

February

This year February has 29 days which is a good thing for my friends daughter who's born on leap year!  For me this is the first time in my life where I'll be cutting out all alcohol willingly. Obviously I wasn't drinking while undergoing cancer treatment, but I sure enjoy a social cocktail when healthy and able. 

I follow the BC Cancer Foundation on various social media feeds, which is how I came to know of this months fundraising called 'Lose The Booze'. It's simple....you don't drink. People sponsor you and the money goes directly to the BC Cancer Foundation. There are lots of fundraisers for cancer but usually for specific cancers.  Did you know that lung cancer is the number 1 killer in women's cancers? You might have though breast cancer since it gets the most attention.  My cancer is so rare that it would never get its own event so this just seemed to make sense to me. All cancers need to be fought so let's share the pot!  Did I just make up a new hashtag!? Lol 

I'm so thankful for all the support I've received thus far. I'm slightly in the lead of all single participants and it's all because of the love you have in your hearts for me and the battle against cancer. No donation is too small...no donation too big!  It's inspiring me to have a healthy and prosperous month. It's inspiring me to keep this fight alive. 

I've had a few rough days of late and I never really know why. It could be from my Crohn's, but really it could be because of a load of things. I don't think I'll ever know. I just have to cope and remember there is always someone who's worse off.  Simba seems to distract me with his OCD of licking himself. I secretly think he always wanted to be a hairless cat or he's like me and appreciates good hair. 

I mentioned before that I'm looking for a PT job close to home. I had an interview and things seemed to go well. I just wonder if employers will be scared to hire a recent survivor. I'm not withholding this information in my interview.  There's a gap on my resume and can't say I was building houses in another country, I tell the truth. It's part of who I am, my baggage. And really is my baggage that bad?  I hope not but think I might be silly to rule it out. It would be discrimination for sure so let's hope I get the call. I'm very qualified for this position so I'm optimistic. 

Anyone who'd like to sponsor me please visit www.losethebooze.ca and search my name. It's very simple and very appreciated. 

Wishing everyone a fabulous February...all 29 days of it!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Legacy & funeral

Some big names in music died in early 2016 most of them as a result of cancer, Bowie arguably one of the biggest names. Most generations knew him from his music, fashion and later marrying Iman. Celine Dion's long time manager and husband, Renee Charles, was laid to rest in Montreal with a grand funeral.  With these entertainers and so may other regular day people losing their battles it got me thinking as to how I'd be remembered and what my funeral would be like. 

A friends dad passed away a couple weeks ago so I attended his funeral in support of her. He was 91 so had a long life but suffered in the end with Alzeimers. I have a dear uncle also going through this and seeing how hard it is on their loved ones just makes me think cancer is the better of 2 evils. As sick as cancer can make you and take your life, at least you leave feeling love. Illness has no face, just pain. 

I don't regret not becoming a mother 99% of the time, but when I think of legacy, children is the first thing to pop in my head. I'm not a David Bowie leaving a mark on the music of today and tomorrow so what am I to leave behind?  How will I be remembered?  Will I be remembered?

I thought a lot about this last year when the doctor explained if cancer was to come back in my groin there would be no further treatment, that I would die.  I've had as much radiation and chemo as that area can handle. I was told this around 730am and I'll never forget calling Erynn to have her rush to hospital to stay with me until my family arrived. It was a day I'll never forget, a day that really showed me mortality and a day that cancer scared me the most. I tear up just thinking about it. 

As much as I've set goals for 2016 with education and employment, I think my biggest goal should be my legacy. I want my nieces and nephews to always remember the fun "date days" I took them on, my friends & their kids the cards I sent and my family the goofy times we shared. Once I'm working again I want to make people smile and have them tell their friends I changed their day. If I can leave moments like this behind me I will be a happy woman. Just being kind. Kindness is contagious. 

Now when it comes to my funeral, let's keep it real. I want bling and a party. Oh and a park bench would be great too!  I want a slideshow showing only good photos of me through the years so please be selective of 19-22 as my girls and I had a lot of fun and we had a lot of bad hair (didn't think so then did we. I blame Madonna). Now I'm not planning on going anywhere any time soon, I've got a legacy to build, but just incase....you read it here first!  My blog....part of my legacy. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Late night

It's late, 3am to be specific, and I can't seem to fall asleep. Some nights I hear every thought or idea and have to get it done or write it on a post-it note, stick it on my mirror above my keys, reminding me to do it later! 

Today my amazingly beautiful Kate Spade gold polk-a-dot 2016 agenda arrived (c/o a birthday Indigo gift card thanks so much) and after picking the perfect pen, I started to write in birthdays.  I'm happy to say I have lots of friends & their children to send cards to, but once you start you can't stop or at least I can't.  I went through last years calendar, a note pad, sent a few "remind me emails"  and hours later all was recorded.  

Card sending is a lost art. A thank you note, an invitation or birthday card makes us all smile & I'll always send cards for that exact reason. I'm often asked why I don't use my iphone calendar. I do for some things like sporting event times and maybe a gathering or 2 but there's nothing like seeing it on paper. I feel very old school in a techie world where I communicate via social media more than a phone call, but I open my agenda every morning just like Facebook and get a feel for my day. Look ahead a few days and see what's happening. Maybe put up another post-it to make sure I don't forget, especially if it's mailing a card. 

Now to fill my polk-a-dot agenda pages. I feel ready to work again on a PT basis in a low stress role close to home. It doesn't scare me necessarily but I get anxious. I've kind of created a bubble around me and think it's time to pop it & blow another.  I'm more nervous than I thought as I'm struggling with this goddam sentence....but I have to move on to this next part of my journey. No joke, a tear just rolled down my cheek. It's so hard to explain why. It's like I learned how to cope with being sick, then coped with treatment, then healing and now a new sense of normal. Buying a winning lotto ticket seems to be in order tomorrow. Could you imagine...now that would be a headline "recent cancer survivor wins millions and builds commune" #stayclosetohome

Oh my goodness it's now 4am!  I've read this entry over & over, I'm sure it's fine to post. I'm either going to fall asleep to Gilmore Girls on Netflix or I'll just close me eyes. I'm hoping to just close my eyes. Night!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

PS - Blog has exceeded 37,000 views...wow, thank you!

Milestones

The dictionary definition for milestone is as follows:

*a stone set beside a road.....oh shoot not that one!
*an action or event marking significant change or stage in development 
That's the definition I'm looking for, thank goodness as the last thing I want to do is seek rocks alongside a road! LOL

I always knew and even wrote about milestones before, they'd come and go, but today it really hit me. Facebook sent me a notification via a link called 'on this day' reminding me that last year I was still in hospital dealing with a terrible infection post tumour removal. But there I was taking the time to write a status that my dad got the hospital TV set up so I could watch the Canucks play. I was in so much pain but was doing my best to stay strong and optimistic through it all. 

I had my monthly checkup today. It went well. My doctor told me I could come every 3 months for my PET scan and physical results. This is huge in my recovery. Since diagnosis I've either been at the Cancer Agency daily or monthly. Wow...last year and this year. Crazy. Mom and I spoke of this great news on the way home and of course both of us were excited. But once I walked in to my place the tears were flowing. Obviously these were good tears but I don't think I really understood how hard December and January really were for me last year.  I'm glad my positivity and humour helped keep me upbeat during the battle but man today was rough. 

I'm cool to remember more milestones of this past year, I just hope they don't all hit me this hard. The next memory will be of hyperbaric treatments which was really cool and I feel a big part of my healing.  The beautiful blue scrubs and plastic helmet were super attractive (not) but the people I met and lessons learned were fantastic. People usually don't know what hyperbaric is so I just mention the Canucks used to use back in the day and folks seem to catch on. It all gets back to hockey somehow right?

I've always said I'd give back when I could and make this terrible time mean something. I've applied to school and changing my career this fall but firstly I'm fundraising for the month of February directly for the BC Cancer Agency. These people, this place, saved my life and some of yours as well. We need to keep helping others. Any donation you can make would so be appreciated. Cancer affects 1 in 3 Canadians so let's make a difference. Not everyone might be saved but at least we will continue to have the resources to try. 

www.losethebooze.ca
Search for Carly Allen

I must say it's been quite the day, but what a great way to start 2016. Time to make some new milestones!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C