Struggle

About a week ago I was talking with a girl friend from Calgary who I don't see often but still remain in touch with. She was telling me how much she admires my strength and drive through it all. I've heard that before. It's very kind to hear and most days I think I've done a pretty good job at beating this disease and staying upbeat, but today was not one of those days. 

I've been battling a flu..cold..whatever this darn thing is for a while now. The crippling cough started around Christmas and the rest followed later. Watery eyes, runny nose, plugged ears...I had it all and bad. Right when I thought I was turning the corner it hits me again. I reached a low point tonight around 11:30 and called a dear friend in tears. She was kind to listen and was very understanding of my "what if.." all while reassuring me that I'll be ok.  This cough is so harsh that I'm dizzy. I cough so loud that I asked my neighbour if she can hear me through the walls!  She couldn't as her laundry machine was on but did bring me some honey to help soothe my throat. 

Add in the fact that the PT job I applied for hasn't advised me yay or nay, I think I just hit a point of no return. I'm over qualified so I'm angry I haven't heard. Like seriously?  But then the good angel on my right shoulder reminds me things will happen when it's time.  Yesterday I was driving with a friend in heavy traffic and started to panic. I had to reach a restroom. I was only a few blocks away but we weren't moving. I did some breathing, remained calm, turned left illegally...but I made it. 

I guess lately I just kinda feel like the cards aren't in my favour. The strength isn't always there. Sometimes I just need to cry. I hate thinking "what if" and rarely do but it's always in my rear view mirror. Add in dealing with Crohn's and it's a real pain in the butt....literally!  I can usually cope on my own pretty well but tonight was just one of those nights when I wish someone lived with me to hear me out & even give me a hug!  Simba wants nothing to do with me as the cough bothers him too!

This blog is my virtual hug. It's my virtual roomie. My strength isn't gone it just took a day off. The struggle will end soon enough, most likely via antibiotics and at least I can hog the covers!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C