You hear that?

Have you ever taken the time to close your eyes and just listen?  It really is quite interesting to hear what you think you see, it often being a different result. This is my strategy for my scans be it CT, PET or like today an MRI. 

I'm not fond of going for scans and doubt other patients are either, but since my first scan in July of 2014 I told myself to escape. I'm already stressed with diagnosis and treatment so why stare at the machine, stress out in numerous ways and possibly get poor images?  I started to listen and stopped looking. Instead of hearing the annoying loud noises I make them something else, I imagine. 

Once my head hits the uncomfortable hospital pillow my eyes shut and my imagination switch is on. The rotating noise becomes African drums. The banging noises makes me invision a construction zone (with cute workers of course). The buzzing makes me see hundreds of birds flying in a crazy pattern in a blue sky. The noises change often and so does what I see. Today even brought forth a scene from the movie 'Alien' with Sigourney Weaver. The sound I was hearing made me think of evacuation alarms on her ship. 

Pending my results return in good form, I'll continue with monthly physical checkups and scans every 3 months. This got me to thinking. Why does cancer make me hear?  Why can't I close my eyes and see what I hear every day? 

Just imagine. Just listen. I will.  

#carly2conquercancer

C

Remember

It's been a while since I last wrote. There's no big story as to why but if I really think about it, it's because my life is coming back piece by piece. I no longer have daily updates about appointments or surgeries but instead find myself doing things that are "normal". 

The 11th marked my eighth month since being told I was cancer free, I've submitted my application for enrollment in school next fall and now have strength to get back in to the swing of life again.  The things or changes I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life are just becoming regular to me vs a set back. 

Coping is a crazy thing.  I learned how to cope with being told I had cancer, I learned how to cope with the pain treating it and now have a decent grasp on how to cope with the new me.  I now understand my new limits be it with travel, food or body strength. I still have bad days but know how to cope and move forward. I control my environments and have trained myself with routine.  Joint swelling and fatigue seem to be my biggest hurdles but I'll take those any day over everything else I've been through. 

I've had a few moments where I almost feel guilty for taking the day like any other. When you're sick you learn to appreciate life and all you want is to still live it.  I don't want to forget those feelings so have to do things to make me remember. As soon as I can volunteer I will (have to be 1 year cancer free) and if I get accepted to my schooling I'll be able to give back that way as well. I must and will have purpose from this. 

The program I've applied to is called 'Health Unit Coordinator' and is through Kwantlen Polytecnic University.  Short version is I'd be the clerical support for patients and doctors, being the face of the hospital or clinic where I'd work. The ladies at the Cancer Agency inspired me to enroll as they were truly amazing throughout my journey.  One day I asked them how they got to where they are and they pointed me in the right direction. Fingers crossed I get accepted!  I guess this means back to school clothing, cute binders and pens and pencils will be needed right?  LOL

My next MRI is scheduled for Nov 20th and like any scan, it's a big one. I'm not scared to go like I have been in the past, but with time can come relapse so just keeping the faith that another clear scan will come about. All I want & can think about is to continue to move forward with my aspirations and goals.

Funny how I never called life a journey before I was diagnosed and now it's the only way I look at it. I find myself a more patient and understanding human who just wants to live and have a good time throughout the beautiful journey.  May we all remember and may we all thrive. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Never have I ever...

Have you ever played or heard of the game called 'Never have I ever...'?  It usually comes about in a group setting sitting around someone's table most likely after a couple cocktails. People have to say something they've truly never done.  "Never have I ever jumped out of a plane" true fact. But my most recent is "never have I ever walked in to the Cancer Agency feeling confident". 

As of Wednesday I can no longer say that. I walked in to the Cancer Agency for my monthly check up feeling good, no nerves, no real concerns and no mom holding my hand(silly for a grown woman to say but she's been my rock). I had a friend visiting me the previous night so she came along curious with it all. Usually I'd sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs, thinking of possible scenarios but instead found myself reminiscing. Telling her stories of other visits & lessons learned and not needing comfort before my name was called. 

The doctor was pleased with my progress. She sees no obvious signs of cancer, no tumour like tissue and pending my November MRI, thinks all looks good. She reminded me that imaging hasn't always been a good resource for me. Had we solely relied on scan images I would have had the colostomy by now. Imaging is still very important but more to see if cancer comes back in the same area or somewhere else. 

At this stage of recovery I find my body and mind becoming one again. "Never have I ever felt this good in close to 2 years". I've still got lots of work ahead of me to get to where I need to be, but seeing it, feeling it, tasting it, sure is special.  I still conquer  with the mentality of one day at a time, but back to looking at life as a big picture. I see my future and starting to make it a reality. 

A friend of mine watches the sunset almost every night and there are some great places in Tsawwassen and Ladner to observe. "Never have I ever REALLY taken the time to watch a sunset". This week I'll go to one of these spots, watch the sunset and then say "never have I ever seen something so beautiful"

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Thanksgiving

Growing up I always enjoyed Thanksgiving, but don't think I ever understood it like I should have. Family got together, said a few words at the table, ate delicious food and had some fun. I would have said I was more of a Christmas girl.  I found it odd that Americans made a bigger deal of Thanksgiving than they did Christmas. Bigger parades, bigger dinners, but after this past year I get it!

This time last year I was quite ill. I'd just finished chemotherapy and radiation with surgery close behind. It was baseball playoffs and dad and I watched every game seeing Kansas City make their way to the finals. We'd moved the couch such a way so I could lay down to watch the games, dad sitting in his chair alongside me. Kansas City ended up losing the World Series but brought forth a special time for dad & I during a terrible time in our lives. I'll never forget it nor will he. 

Tonight's table sat my parents, my brothers (Jayson is more like a brother so let's just say that), my sister-in-law and my 4 nieces and nephews. Dad made a lovely speech in the wake of all going on in Syria. There are so many people without homes, without food, without their families and here we sit. Our daily struggles seem and are so minor in comparison. There was no talk of cancer and I was happy with that. 

As my recovery continues, I'm happy to see my family getting their normal lives back again. The kids telling stories of school & sports, my parents getting set to embark on holiday and my brothers pushing my buttons like they always have!  As I listened to these stories a moment of reflection came about. Cancer almost took these amazing people away from me...how thankful am I to be sitting here today. 

My monthly check up is Wednesday with my next MRI coming in November (I get them every 3 months). Wednesday will be the first time I head to the Cancer Agency not feeling scared to be looked over. I truly believe I'm OK and will remain OK. Maybe I'm naive to think I'll continue to live a cancer free life, but it's the only way to think.  As positive as I've tried to be throughout this battle, I've always prepared myself for the worst. Maybe thinking this way was a wall I kept up so I didn't let myself or anyone else down, but the wall has been lifted.  I don't want to feel like I'm letting my guard down but grabbing ahold of life again is bringing me such happiness.  

Cancer took a lot away from me but it's also given a lot to me.  I would never have thought to write a blog. I would never have met some amazing and now important people in my life. I would never have felt so much love.  I would never have thought to return to school & change my career. I would never have found a better version of me. 

I hope you found your blessings this Thanksgiving. We all have them, sometimes they're just a little harder to find. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

New...I see you there!

Newness has started to show itself to me or maybe I'm just willing to accept it and my eyes are open. Anyone that wants to join me in this next phase of my journey please do, as I feel it's going to be spectacular.  I must admit I AM PUMPED!  Right now I'm smiling ear to ear as it's been a great day with new things. New signs of the new me. 

When I moved to Tsawwassen in January it was 100% a family decision. My apartment is maybe 500 yards (I didn't measure but I'm guessing) to my folks house. My amazing parents have been by my side since day 1 of my life & day 1 of cancer. Now we're neighbours and that's a new change as we haven't been this close in location since I moved out in 1998! The thinking behind this was that I was close if I needed help, yet still had my own space as I got better. If I'm being honest having mom's home cooking on a semi-regular basis was a total yummy win!  I've also got cool Auntie Shelly 5 floors up and her closest aunt duties have happened and have been appreciated. 

Just as I was getting ready to hit the sheets I remembered I had some mail. Last time I opened mail late in the night I cried, so was hoping for a better result this time. Envelope is from The City of Delta which is where I recently applied for Recreation Pass assistance due to being on disability/low income. I held it, sat down on my bed & opened it. APPROVED!  I jumped in excitement & gave my cat a hug he clearly didn't appreciate!  This is a huge step for my recovery. My body wants to move & now I have the means to attend classes as often I like at no cost. I like to think grandma heard my call for help and worked some magic from above. I'm still going back & forth with MSP so having this win comes at the right time. Runners ✔️ Workout pants ✔️ Cute Addidas runners ✔️ So so t-shirts ✔️  Hair able to go in a ponytail ❌ 4 outta 5 ain't bad...time to get moving!

I've also met some new friends in my community which is exciting. Bike rides, dinners, a few cocktails, movies...whatever. Just nice having more folks close in age and with similar interests nearby to chill with.  No offence to mom & dad as they're hip, they just aren't new!

A huge thank you for reading my blog.  I've exceeded 34,000 views which is amazing!  Love all the support just wish I'd get more comments LOL  I do get your texts and emails which is fine too. Lots of love!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Emmy Goes To....

I've always been a sucker for award shows and watched The Emmy's Sunday night. The Emmy's, The Golden Globes, The Oscars, The Grammy's...I'm always watching. Maybe it's to see the latest trends in fashion or to hear the good and bad speeches, but mostly I think I watch to dream.  I'm a sucker for the rags to ritches story or the girl discovered at the subway, they get me every time!  I always joke that if I ever won a prestigious award I'd say it was in honour of the German-English-Scottish girls out there!!  I'd thank my cabbage patch doll for letting me change her name multiple times and ask stationnary company's to print my name on pencils and pens like the Sarah's and Nicole's of this world. 

I sort of feel like I go to the award shows all the time. Trying to cover up the real me and smile for others to see. To get compliments instead of sympathy, to feel special, trying to be normal. Crazy thing is that everyone has a struggle no matter what their status.  Cancer, depression, arthritis, a peanut allergy....we all have something so why must we cover it up?  Those who show their struggles often help someone along the way and probably feel better too. Owning these struggles doesn't make us weak it makes us warriors. 

This past weekend I was with my closest girl friends celebrating our 40ths as a group. It was an eye opener for me as my struggles were more apparent than I thought. The fact that I can't eat or drink during a long car ride, the horror of eating out, my energy levels not quite the same and struggling to find common ground. I listen to stories of babies and husbands but when it's my turn to speak, my life revolves around cancer and crohns.  Some days I am that warrior I speak of and other days just a wounded soldier still looking for a new base. 

I look forward to the days of getting dressed up for an award show because you know you're going to win. You aren't just a spectator you are the winner holding the statue. But nobody wins overnight. The rags to ritches and subway girl are rare so instead tell myself to keep working. The more I learn to own these things, the sooner I'll hold a trophy in my hands.  My trophy won't be an Emmy but instead a new healthy life and way better topics of conversation!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Late Night

I seem to write my best blogs late at night. Right now it's 1:30am and nothing but quiet surrounds me. Only noise I hear is Simbas tail wagging & hitting the hardwood floor. Why he chooses to sleep on the floor vs other Simba friendly spaces I don't know...but whatever!  I hear no neighbours, no cars, no doors slamming. All I hear is myself reading this aloud as I write it. I am my best audience.

My monthly check-up went well this past Wednesday. Dr sees no signs of concern even after I explained the sensitivity in my groin. This feeling could be from more movement or it's just going to feel that way going forward, but a huge relief as I was a bit worried. I still have a 2cm alien however as long as it doesn't grow it's causing no harm. We aren't even sure if it's cancer. With my PET and MRI scans being every 3 months, if this alien does grow we will catch it in time & deal with it accordingly. But so far so good so time to keep on moving!

Since day 1 I told myself I'd try my best to dress well and/or have good hair 'n makeup. There were days my face was so green no foundation could help, but in general I did my best. I did this for me. I was home all day looking sick so wanted to look decent when going out. If I was going to a treatment or to the grocery store darn right I dolled myself up a bit. A lot of times I was wearing oversized baggy sweats, but my face & hair looked fierce!  Anyone who is sick needs an escape and this is mine. The glares and stares people give you get old so masquing the illness makes its better. Just because you're sick, doesn't mean you have to look the part too!

After my check-up was over I was waiting on mom to head home, and sat down beside a young woman. She had on a cool felt grey hat so I complimented her on it. She loved that I complimented her hat and soon was showing me her cute bald head and telling me more about her journey and how she's doing. Compliments are a thing we often take for granted or misjudge. I challenge you to see how 1 compliment can make you or someone else happy. Own the moment. Right as I was saying goodbye, the woman complimented my necklace. I said thanks and to take care, both of us with smiles on our faces continuing on with our days. It was a great moment.

Hopefully over the next week I get a recreation pass organized with The City of Delta. There are so many great activities offered at my local community centre. Aquafit, Yoga, spin and more. My body is telling me it's ready to move again so I gotta listen. These outings will however be makeup free as the last thing a girl needs is mascara running down her face.  But if I'm being totally honest I'll probably wear lipstick!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C