A locomotive goes 🎶choo choo🎶 and I’ve often thought of myself like a train. My way of choo-choo’ing is by remaining positive and by taking the wins when they come. However there are many railway tracks to travel and sometimes a derailment happens. I feel derailed right now.
I’m so darn angry and with that comes sadness. If I’m being completely honest with myself and with you I’m an emotional wreck. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train, like my caboose stayed at one station while the rest of my train at another. As a little girl I heard the tale about the “train that could” he just kept trying and eventually did. But for crying out loud I’m so sick of trying. If I was to draw myself as a cartoon train I’d be the long eyelash lipstick wearing train with tears in her big brown eyes. I just can’t stop crying tonight.
I’ve had f-ing cancer twice. It’s made me infertille. I have a colostomy. I’ve had parts rebuilt. I have hernias. I’m not ok. Throughout all my treatments I’ve lost a minimal amount of weight, I didn’t even get a revenge body FFS! A breast cancer survivor qualifies for reconstruction so why the heck can’t I qualify for, or shall I say be approved for, a goddam tummy tuck. No I was not a skinny mini before this all started however my hernias have really done a number on me. I’m so goddam mad that my body has been through so much that I’m scared I’m now falling in to a depression. I’ve never felt so down. As much as I’m an advocate and the joy it brings me in doing so, it’s just not enough. Perhaps I’m just feeling things a bit more than usual tonight as yesterday marked 9 months since surgery, I honestly don’t know.
I want oh so much to be the survivor who does amazing things but any time I start to feel that way I feel like I’m getting slapped in the face over & over again. I sit here and think what can I do to resolve this but it’s just not that easy. I’m in constant discomfort and pain and just can’t seem to unlock the path to help me be that survivor. I hate life after cancer, it’s so much harder than life during cancer which is crazy to say. I’m at the point that I feel I need strict rules and regulations to see any sort of solution because without them I just don’t know how I’ll overcome this hurdle.
For 4 years I’ve been trying my best to be positive and to look on the bright side, but if I had a towel right now I’d toss it in the ring. I won’t give up because it’s not in my DNA, however I understand struggle like never before. Every single one of us has a limit...seems I’ve just hit mine. I’m done being strong so maybe it’s time to be angry and vengeful...I really don’t know but I got to figure this out.
People are worse off...this too shall pass...others have been through worse, all things I tell myself when I’m in a dark spot. As much as it has helped in the past it just isn’t this time. I’ve been through extreme agony and it’s ok to acknowledge it. I begged for mercy after chemo & radiation. I’m sick of begging for mercy which is where I find myself physically today. It’s now affecting my psyche which hasn’t really happened before.
I’m left with this thought. Trains can be repaired after derailment right? So how can I get myself repaired physically and emotionally because goddam I hate this space I’m in. In saying all this I know I’m strong, that I’m a fighter and that I’ll conduct my train in killer cute overalls with a bold red lip. Just sucks I’ve had so many accidents along the way. Choo-frickin-hoo.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch
Carly, you are entitled to be upset ! No one can be expected to be look at the bright side of life every day, especially someone who hashas been through what you have been through. I don't have words of advice or any tips. This is unfair. Yes, there are people who have it worse, but that doesn't make what you are going through any better. I hope that as you fight for your rights, I hope you get a tummy tuck. You deserve that, at least! Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteThanks S! Calling drs again tomo.
ReplyDelete