Time can be told in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months to a year. At times we feel time go by quickly and other times it seems so slow. Sometimes we want to go back & other times we wished we could jump forward. I've felt these times over and over again unsure which is the lesser of two evils.
Right now I want to jump forward but in saying that I also want time to go very very slow. My jumping ahead means my cancer pain will cease but my new beginning and that recovery will begin. I'm so totally miserable in this moment so I'm shocked to hear myself say I want time to go slowly. I quickly realize I'm scared of what my future holds. 2 weeks will be here soon enough and as I lay down on that OR table the current physical me of 42 years will cease existing.
Flashback to my first cancer battle. I never lost my hair. I never lost an incredible amount of weight. I never looked like the typical cancer patient. My pain struggles fierce but not visible. My surgery scars can only be seen in an incredibly awkward position (lol). Now this time I'll have multiple visible signs of a cancer battle. My stomach will be cut. Skin from my thigh used to help with plastic surgery. My stoma created. My colostomy bag Winnie born. It'll stare me in the face every single day.
I met with my plastic surgeon Wednesday and he explained worst to best case scenarios as they always do. I can't think worst case as I've never been led to think this way from any of my doctors. They just have to ensure the cancer is gone for good so will cut what's necessary. Once done the plastic surgeon comes in to fix me up using skin from my thigh & it's muscle along with other treatments. The entire surgery will take about 8 hours and result in high blood loss so transfusions will be coming my way.
So here's why I want time to stand still but why I want it to speed up all at the same time. No matter what we want to do with time in the end we have no control. A day finishes & a new begins. All I can control is how I use my time. I'll have a lot of learning post operation but it'll keep me busy. Soon enough I hope to write a blog saying it's been a year and time has flown by quickly and I'm just fine. I'm the new version of me and time has become my friend again. I'll be living life in a new way minute by minute, day by day, year to year.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
#WinnieThePouch
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