Late night

It's late, 3am to be specific, and I can't seem to fall asleep. Some nights I hear every thought or idea and have to get it done or write it on a post-it note, stick it on my mirror above my keys, reminding me to do it later! 

Today my amazingly beautiful Kate Spade gold polk-a-dot 2016 agenda arrived (c/o a birthday Indigo gift card thanks so much) and after picking the perfect pen, I started to write in birthdays.  I'm happy to say I have lots of friends & their children to send cards to, but once you start you can't stop or at least I can't.  I went through last years calendar, a note pad, sent a few "remind me emails"  and hours later all was recorded.  

Card sending is a lost art. A thank you note, an invitation or birthday card makes us all smile & I'll always send cards for that exact reason. I'm often asked why I don't use my iphone calendar. I do for some things like sporting event times and maybe a gathering or 2 but there's nothing like seeing it on paper. I feel very old school in a techie world where I communicate via social media more than a phone call, but I open my agenda every morning just like Facebook and get a feel for my day. Look ahead a few days and see what's happening. Maybe put up another post-it to make sure I don't forget, especially if it's mailing a card. 

Now to fill my polk-a-dot agenda pages. I feel ready to work again on a PT basis in a low stress role close to home. It doesn't scare me necessarily but I get anxious. I've kind of created a bubble around me and think it's time to pop it & blow another.  I'm more nervous than I thought as I'm struggling with this goddam sentence....but I have to move on to this next part of my journey. No joke, a tear just rolled down my cheek. It's so hard to explain why. It's like I learned how to cope with being sick, then coped with treatment, then healing and now a new sense of normal. Buying a winning lotto ticket seems to be in order tomorrow. Could you imagine...now that would be a headline "recent cancer survivor wins millions and builds commune" #stayclosetohome

Oh my goodness it's now 4am!  I've read this entry over & over, I'm sure it's fine to post. I'm either going to fall asleep to Gilmore Girls on Netflix or I'll just close me eyes. I'm hoping to just close my eyes. Night!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

PS - Blog has exceeded 37,000 views...wow, thank you!

Milestones

The dictionary definition for milestone is as follows:

*a stone set beside a road.....oh shoot not that one!
*an action or event marking significant change or stage in development 
That's the definition I'm looking for, thank goodness as the last thing I want to do is seek rocks alongside a road! LOL

I always knew and even wrote about milestones before, they'd come and go, but today it really hit me. Facebook sent me a notification via a link called 'on this day' reminding me that last year I was still in hospital dealing with a terrible infection post tumour removal. But there I was taking the time to write a status that my dad got the hospital TV set up so I could watch the Canucks play. I was in so much pain but was doing my best to stay strong and optimistic through it all. 

I had my monthly checkup today. It went well. My doctor told me I could come every 3 months for my PET scan and physical results. This is huge in my recovery. Since diagnosis I've either been at the Cancer Agency daily or monthly. Wow...last year and this year. Crazy. Mom and I spoke of this great news on the way home and of course both of us were excited. But once I walked in to my place the tears were flowing. Obviously these were good tears but I don't think I really understood how hard December and January really were for me last year.  I'm glad my positivity and humour helped keep me upbeat during the battle but man today was rough. 

I'm cool to remember more milestones of this past year, I just hope they don't all hit me this hard. The next memory will be of hyperbaric treatments which was really cool and I feel a big part of my healing.  The beautiful blue scrubs and plastic helmet were super attractive (not) but the people I met and lessons learned were fantastic. People usually don't know what hyperbaric is so I just mention the Canucks used to use back in the day and folks seem to catch on. It all gets back to hockey somehow right?

I've always said I'd give back when I could and make this terrible time mean something. I've applied to school and changing my career this fall but firstly I'm fundraising for the month of February directly for the BC Cancer Agency. These people, this place, saved my life and some of yours as well. We need to keep helping others. Any donation you can make would so be appreciated. Cancer affects 1 in 3 Canadians so let's make a difference. Not everyone might be saved but at least we will continue to have the resources to try. 

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I must say it's been quite the day, but what a great way to start 2016. Time to make some new milestones!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Merry merry

Christmas is my favourite time of year.  Not for the presents or even the great food, but for the feel & vibe all around you. Everyone is just nicer. People say hello in elevators instead of staring at the buttons lighting up floor after floor, the grocery clerks wish you happy holidays and ugly sweaters become fashion statements. 

Last Christmas I was struggling post surgery and was admitted to hospital days later with a terrible infection. My stay at VGH was close to 2 weeks having me ring in 2015 in my hospital room. The morphine drip had me asleep way before midnight but I remember dreaming of next year hoping it would all be over. Last night as sat at the dinner table that dream had come true. 

When life is uncertain and on the line, we really learn to appreciate it and want more of it. But as health improves and your life comes back it's so easy to forget. Of course we don't want to live in fear or in the past, but maybe we can just "smell the roses" a little bit more.  As I took pictures of my family last night I was grateful. Grateful to still be alive, grateful my family wasn't mourning me and grateful for each of them. 

2016 is just days away....where has 2015 gone?  This is one year I'm fine to say flew by too quickly, but really it has. I have some great goals and aspirations for 2016, none of them easy, but all of them exciting.  

I've never been one to make concrete resolutions, but for 2016 I want to value life as it deserves and be a better friend and person. Let's not wait for next Christmas to get together or to pick up the phone, but do it now while we're able. Sure we're all busy with kids, work, knee surgeries, cats....whatever, but don't wait if you don't have to as another year will soon fly by finding us right back here. 

Wishing you all a fabulous & merry 2016!

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

All clear!

The saying "time heals all wounds" sure has a lot of meaning in my life. My poor body has been through so much, but hearing my MRI results are clear showing no sign of reoccurrence sure makes me smile!

I was supposed to go in to the Cancer Agency today, but instead had my appointment moved to next week as I've come down with a nasty flu virus. Last thing I want is to pass germs to a sick cancer patient so asked my doctor please call me with my MRI results.  Seeing the Cancer Agency come up on my caller ID I took a deep breath and said hello. At first Dr Lee thought she woke me up but my congestion makes me sound like a cross between Farrah Fawcett and Freddy Kruger!  

The MRI shows no sign of reoccurrence and the area is stable.  Great news!  I'm always a little cautious with these results because I never got the margins like we wanted. When any tumour is extracted the doctors like to cut around it creating margins. These margins increase your odds of success to not have the cancer spread or reoccur.  Had they gone for the margins with me, I would have had a huge surgery involving plastics, colostomy bag and more.  The doctors always said they could operate again if necessary but they could never reverse any outcome. I'm so very glad and thankful they took this approach.  

I've been getting lots of comments lately about this blog. Some of you wondering why I'm not writing as much and even some of you wondering if I'll make a book. So I got to thinking about what I love about this blog and what I think I can do with it. My first step is to give it another name. I think it's time to just call this my journey and not my cancer journey.  I'd never change a thing which is a crazy statement for a terrible time in my life, but I want to carry on calling myself a survivor rather than a patient.  I was texting with a BFF today and told her without so many people in my corner sending positive thoughts, I don't think I'd been as lucky beating cancer. I truly believe this. I truly thank you. All of you. 

This blog has been one of the best things to happen to me so why should I stop now?  Just because my cancer is laying low doesn't mean my writing has to!  I have lots of exciting moments coming my way with fitness, school, dating and more. So as long as you want to hear my silly stories I'm willing to share them with you. I still have a ways to go but excited....no pumped.....at what my future holds!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Surgiversary

Thought I'd make up a new word to mark 1 year ago today, when Big Kahuna was no more. The word is surgiversary. For any new readers or perhaps a refresher for my groupies, I named my tumour Big Kahuna upon diagnosis. It was a life changing surgery physically & emotionally but resulted with me later becoming cancer-free. As Donald Trump would say it was a "huuuugggeee" moment. 

It was a hard recovery resulting with an infection and 38 hyperbaric oxygen treatments but it was all necessary. I was scared back then that men would run away hearing my battle. Who would want to date me vs that other girl who was "normal". I still haven't met my future husband by any means, but have dabbled with dating & think I'll be just fine. 

I had my MRI just over 2 weeks ago but have yet to hear the results. My monthly check up at the Cancer Agency is this Wednesday so will hear then. Fingers crossed all is still fine but if for any reason bad news comes about, I'll take it in stride. When I had the MRI the technician said my images were clear, so gives me faith my doctors will have a good grasp on things. 

Seems each scan, or specifically each dye injection, has left it's mark with me. The radioactive dye illuminates my pelvis allowing for proper imaging. 5 days post MRI, my vein & arm area where the injection was(near elbow) were swollen and red. I had to go to the ER as I was in quite a bit of discomfort & no doubt needed a doctors opinion. Glad I went in as I was told it could have become a blot clot or an even more serious infection. I picked up my prescription that night & improved over 4 days. Phew!  If you go to my blog online you'll see a photo in my slideshow. 

Dad had knee surgery 2 days ago and is home recovering like a champ. He's done really well and was up walking the next day. Bionic man is on the move!  As always Mom is taking the reins and earning more points for whatever comes her way. She's got lots of points!!!!

I won a contest with Save On Foods & the Canucks, so my friend & I attended (along with other winners) a Canucks private practice. I've been a fan since I was 5 years old & dad taught me to yell "booooo" at the refs so this kind of thing is exciting for me. We even got a photo with our mascot Finn!

I'll be sure to write Wednesday before 11pm so you get this in real time. I wish the email would go out once I write but it has an 11pm deadline & I often write thereafter. 

Lots of love your way this holiday season. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

You hear that?

Have you ever taken the time to close your eyes and just listen?  It really is quite interesting to hear what you think you see, it often being a different result. This is my strategy for my scans be it CT, PET or like today an MRI. 

I'm not fond of going for scans and doubt other patients are either, but since my first scan in July of 2014 I told myself to escape. I'm already stressed with diagnosis and treatment so why stare at the machine, stress out in numerous ways and possibly get poor images?  I started to listen and stopped looking. Instead of hearing the annoying loud noises I make them something else, I imagine. 

Once my head hits the uncomfortable hospital pillow my eyes shut and my imagination switch is on. The rotating noise becomes African drums. The banging noises makes me invision a construction zone (with cute workers of course). The buzzing makes me see hundreds of birds flying in a crazy pattern in a blue sky. The noises change often and so does what I see. Today even brought forth a scene from the movie 'Alien' with Sigourney Weaver. The sound I was hearing made me think of evacuation alarms on her ship. 

Pending my results return in good form, I'll continue with monthly physical checkups and scans every 3 months. This got me to thinking. Why does cancer make me hear?  Why can't I close my eyes and see what I hear every day? 

Just imagine. Just listen. I will.  

#carly2conquercancer

C

Remember

It's been a while since I last wrote. There's no big story as to why but if I really think about it, it's because my life is coming back piece by piece. I no longer have daily updates about appointments or surgeries but instead find myself doing things that are "normal". 

The 11th marked my eighth month since being told I was cancer free, I've submitted my application for enrollment in school next fall and now have strength to get back in to the swing of life again.  The things or changes I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life are just becoming regular to me vs a set back. 

Coping is a crazy thing.  I learned how to cope with being told I had cancer, I learned how to cope with the pain treating it and now have a decent grasp on how to cope with the new me.  I now understand my new limits be it with travel, food or body strength. I still have bad days but know how to cope and move forward. I control my environments and have trained myself with routine.  Joint swelling and fatigue seem to be my biggest hurdles but I'll take those any day over everything else I've been through. 

I've had a few moments where I almost feel guilty for taking the day like any other. When you're sick you learn to appreciate life and all you want is to still live it.  I don't want to forget those feelings so have to do things to make me remember. As soon as I can volunteer I will (have to be 1 year cancer free) and if I get accepted to my schooling I'll be able to give back that way as well. I must and will have purpose from this. 

The program I've applied to is called 'Health Unit Coordinator' and is through Kwantlen Polytecnic University.  Short version is I'd be the clerical support for patients and doctors, being the face of the hospital or clinic where I'd work. The ladies at the Cancer Agency inspired me to enroll as they were truly amazing throughout my journey.  One day I asked them how they got to where they are and they pointed me in the right direction. Fingers crossed I get accepted!  I guess this means back to school clothing, cute binders and pens and pencils will be needed right?  LOL

My next MRI is scheduled for Nov 20th and like any scan, it's a big one. I'm not scared to go like I have been in the past, but with time can come relapse so just keeping the faith that another clear scan will come about. All I want & can think about is to continue to move forward with my aspirations and goals.

Funny how I never called life a journey before I was diagnosed and now it's the only way I look at it. I find myself a more patient and understanding human who just wants to live and have a good time throughout the beautiful journey.  May we all remember and may we all thrive. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C