Future

Early on in my first cancer battle, my cousin Jacqueline gifted me a jar or wishes/inspirational sayings. I saved every single paper she stuffed in the jar as I pulled them out on a daily basis for a smile or glimmer of hope. Now that I'm battling cancer for a 2nd time, I put all the wishes back in the jar and pulled one out. It read "focus on the future".  What a perfect wish for this stage of round two.  

My biopsy results came back and confirm cancer as imaging indicated, however no cancer in my groin. They might still remove a gland or two to ensure no future reoccurrence just to be certain. No sense to go as far as we are to rid me of this disease to have a small miss.  I'll also have a hysterectomy but no biggie there as none of it works post radiation.  My one perk of cancer is no more girl time, didn't get to be a size 2, but I'll take it! 😆

January 31st I'll meet with my cancer doctor to hear more information. I still don't know much in regards to Winnie's size, how she'll work, what kind of diet I'll need to follow and loads of other questions. After that appointment I'll head downtown to meet my plastic surgeon. I have no idea what this appointment will bring but do know it's two hours long so I'm sure I'll walk out of there with a clear understanding of what will happen February 16th. Yes, that's my surgery date, it's all so frickin real!

I've had some rough days coping with pain but just have to keep looking for my future like Jacqueline said in her note. I KNOW I'll be a better version of myself when this is all over, it's just going to be a bumpy ride. I'm trying to prepare as best I can and have reached out to my community seeking other Winnie people locally. I'm amazed of the support I've received from strangers thus far. 4 people are willing to share and teach me the colostomy ways. Of course my Carly brain starts spinning and I think of creating a local support group, but one thing at a time ha ha ha. There's not a lot of awareness on social media so hope to bring more awareness along my journey. 

Going through cancer for a second time I'm seeing things slightly different. I'm still an optimistic person but I feel a lot more anger and emotion this round. This doesn't mean I'm destructive & depressed ripping down curtains while crying, lol, I guess it just means I'm a lot more realistic. Realistic of how I'll forever be changed physically, realistic of my pain coming down the yellow brick road & realistic of my challenges. Obviously I'm going to rock these realism's but it's darn scary, but oddly at the same time I'm excited to see what my future brings. A Winnie hashtag is in the works, something never used before, so send me your suggestions and be part of my future!

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Checklist

I love a good checklist. Not the kind on your phone but instead on real paper. I see it, I feel it, it's more real. I cross things off once they're done and keep it with me till it's complete.  I use the same pen to write and fold it up keeping it in my pocket for easy access when I need to remember my next thing to do. My list is a smorgasbord of things from what groceries I need, bills to pay and appointments to attend. Yesterday I crossed off my second biopsy but still need some yogurt and cheese 😀 

Tuesdays biopsy was a doozy. I was convinced I wouldn't take the epidural but after discussions with the doctors things changed. They explained the benefits which out weighed my fears and off we went. I shed some tears but with support I conquered. Bent over in to a nurses chest in the OR I felt the needle. I was also hooked up to an IV of sedation drugs so my pain was very much under control. I made it very clear I wanted to see nothing so a blanket was up and the sedation helped me relax. I don't remember much after I layed down. Waking up in recovery I was completely numb from my waist down. The nurse had a bag of ice she'd place in random spots but I didn't feel the cold. About an hour later and I could feel the cold ice and dad was there to take me home. 

This was a really surreal day for me. When I initially got home I was fine but not long after I was a mess. Reality really sunk in. This is just a freckle of what's to come. I was overwhelmed. I was on the phone with my mom in tears and in walks my bestie Amber. She knew I was in rough shape from our texts so headed straight over. I love having her living so close to me instead of Calgary. Lipton soup and a shared smoothie dinner calmed me down and she helped clean up my wound from the epidural. Blood was under the bandage and some bruising but once cleaned up didn't look so scary. I was in bed by 10pm counting sheep. 

Wednesdays biopsy was of my left groin. I've previously had the same procedure on my right so knew what to expect. This was a walk in the park in comparison as the only real ouch is the freezing. Sometimes you feel the needles wiggle by way of pressure, but it's really simple. I turn my head the other way and hope the doctor gets good samples and poof it's over. Yet again my dad picks me up and we enjoy an early dinner at Whitespot before heading home. I should hear results Friday or Monday which will determine my next steps. The colostomy surgery is booked for mid February but until all is certain I don't know much more than that. 

So my checklist still has more things waiting to be crossed off and more things will also be added. A minimum two week hospital sleepover post surgery will no doubt add numerous things to do & things to get. Canucks toque to cover dirty hair ✔️ Trashy magazines ✔️Cute pjs ✔️, love and support ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

All aboard!

Illness journeys are like train rides. Multiple stops, long horizons, with possible changes due to lack of roadway or proper fuel. The whistle blows and you hear "all aboard!?" when it's time to choo choo on out. 

My biopsy surgeries are this week and I hear the locomotive pulling in!  My conductor (in this case my dad) will be driving me in & picking me up. Tuesday is biopsy #1 which I'll be sedated for, and Wednesday is an ultrasound biopsy for my left groin lymph node. By the end of the week I should know what is happening. Will my train stay on course or will it jump a track last minute?

In my head I know. I know a colostomy is coming. My pain & symptoms mirror round 1, but this time I got it figured out sooner since I knew what to expect. I've been on bedrest since late December, my bed way more comfy than a train car however, and my pain is somewhat under control. Never gone but not as debilitating as before. 

I was supposed to go to an appointment with the anestheologist Friday but was in rough shape. I woke up expecting I'd be fine to drive myself in, had a bath but then boom! It was 930am and my appointment was for 11. For whatever reason my anxiety went off the charts. I was balling my eyes out, then my body revolted in other ways....I was a total mess. If you follow me on Instagram you probably saw the posted videos. I've never done a video before, but have seen so many courageous ones from others, that I did just that. It was like I had someone in the room with me and it helped. It also showed another side of illness, the side we often don't see.  The doctor I was meant to meet with was amazing and called to review what we would have done in person. 

The doctor was giving other sedation options to me including an epidural. I was pretty adimant I want complete sedation. Like common doc, I do not want to know or for that matter see anything you do to me! I've never once been awake or sedated awake, and don't want to start now. It's like they know I'm a veteran of these surgeries and want to give me a purple heart & I just want to see stars as I pass out!   Pretty sure Carly's Train just choo choo'd a loud NO on that one!

Tonight dad and I are staying at a dear family friends home in the city to avoid the congested drive as admitting is 9am tomorrow. This way I'll wake up with less stress and be ready to board my train knowing it'll soon come to a stop one way or another. A straight forward track will show itself most likely by the end of the week. This girl is ready to be the conductor sooner than later. 

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Step by step

A cancer journey has more steps than a New Kids On The Block dance routine!  Today I kinda feel like I took a few steps back but also forward at the same time.  

I expected to hear in depth details on my upcoming surgery as a group of doctors met yesterday to discuss my case. I did hear some details but what I heard first was that they want to do one more extensive biopsy before progressing off the PET scan images. Short story, one more test before the colostomy.

Back steps are I just want things to improve. I want to do whatever it'll take to get me there and Winnie is just that. I hate being in agony all day, I want it to stop. Forward step is I know the doctors have my best interests at the forefront. I'll hear over the next couple days as to when my biopsy (day surgery as I'll have to be sedated) will be. Once those results come back we'll have a straight forward plan. No what ifs. Just a plan. This girl needs a plan.

Until then I'll continue to manage my pain the best I can. I meet with the pain management team at the Cancer Agency Friday to make sure I'm taking the most suitable meds. Being practically immobile is hard when your mind thinks you can do more. But I got to listen to my body and rest up.

My uncle said to me on Christmas Day to think like a professional athlete. Rest before the big game and once the big game is here, go out and win. That is my dance routine for now, step by step oh baby🎶 -NKOTB

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Yet again...

If I really look around me, I see things often come in 2's. 2 people out for a drink, 2 lanes on the road, heck even 2 shows recording simultaneously on your PVR (well at least at my place as I like a lot of shows).  So I guess it's no different for me and cancer. One tough fought battle wasn't enough, now a 2nd shows itself.

My PET scan results were received at BC Cancer today.  I was informed I have a tumour measuring 4cm x 5cm. This tumour is left from my original cancer aka Big Kahuna (tumour was named early) but is pretty much in the same vicinity. Same symptoms but since I've already been treated with radiation and chemo, a 2nd treatment has been decided. This means I will be curing myself of cancer with an aggressive and extensive Colostomy surgery. 1 groin lymph node also shows cancer so it too will be treated surgically.  I already have a scar on my right groin and here's the 2nd, at least each side will match, gotta balance it out! Does this mean a 2nd tattoo on my other wrist perhaps? Hmmmmm

So life sucks sometimes. Yes I'm saying it, but there's zero I can do about it. Obviously I'll have terrible days... who are we kidding, but I'm not going to allow cancer to kill me. I will wear my bag aka Winnie (Ref Winnie the Pooh c/o cousin Crissy & John) with pride. It's the only way I'll stay alive, if the cancer spreads there's no 2nd chance. What journey Winnie brings forth is yet to show itself but I have faith it'll make sense.

January 3rd I meet with my doctors to hear the exact surgery date this January and more detailed specifics. I have a fairly good understanding of what's going to happen, my physical changes, my emotional needs etc. It will be different than the first round but in many ways I feel more prepared for round 2.   It's going to be long & tough but with you all in my corner I no doubt with KO cancer a 2nd time!

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Again?

Today was my checkup and PET scan day at the Cancer Agency. As usual I wore an outfit which require I need not change in to a gown and had a fierce red lip, Russian red from MAC to be specific. Some patients have a lucky blanket, a hat or even a shirt....my armour is lipstick. It makes me feel like I'm masking my worry or anger.  

When I finally saw a specialist back in July of 2014, I really only expected to hear I had a cyst.  Instead she told me a biopsy was needed. 5 days later my cancer journey began. Today I told the doctor of my recent (past 6 months) discomfort and location and heard the same result. A biopsy of a lesion near my rectum is needed. We didn't have enough time in the moment as my PET scan was scheduled right after, so I'm back next Wednesday to be seen and evaluated. 

As the doctor came and went out of the room, tears started to roll down my cheeks as I lay there remembering that first diagnosis. Am I going through this again???  Being diagnosed a possible 2nd time doesn't worry me as much as the pain that comes with it. The tears were shed remembering the agony I endured. I do not want to go back to this place. I do not want cancer again. 

I currently have a mass or lesion that causes uncomfortableness with sitting and general movement. The more I move, the more I hurt. I'm on my feet all day for work so when I come home I feel broken and sore. This needs to stop.  We discussed pain management today but none are real options at the moment. I've been down this road before where the meds bring forth constipation, drowsiness and not being able to drive. None are good for me at the moment, so Tylenol is my BFF until this is sorted out. 

The PET scan went well but I just couldn't ignore all these feelings. I relax in a room while the dye circulates my body for 45 min & listen to music. I had to turn It off as every song spoke of death or pain, or struggle. I then lay down on the bed that rises up to go through the tunnel my arms crossed behind my head, the warm hospital blanket on top of me.  During the scan you have to remain very still but I couldn't hold back the tears. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize a happy time but instead saw me in this machine 3 years ago. I didn't move during the scan but did leave traces of my Urban Decay eyeliner and mascara!  

I'm lucky my family and friends were so supportive tonight via phone and in person. Although they can't fully understand what I'm feeling, they too don't want this cancer coming back. It affects us all. They know how scared I am of what further treatment and surgeries could do to me. But I have no choice really. Whatever the scan and biopsy may show I'll keep fighting. I'm just scared I have little fight left in me. When you struggle every single day for 3.5 years it just gets old and tiring. 

So here we are again, waiting for more results and more tests. Seems like I never left that place, and in many ways I don't think I ever will. I have to get better when 'again' moments come up but darn it it's hard. It's so much easier to say goodbye than it is to say see you again. 

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Wonder Woman

I found myself on the couch tonight watching the movie 'Wonder Woman'.  There are 2 reasons why, the first being that a bestie of mine (who will remain nameless lol) saw it in theatres without me when it was first released. The second is because I've been struggling of late and needed some wonder power in my life.

For the last few weeks or so, I've been feeling a lot of pressure similar to the that I felt upon diagnosis 3.5 years ago. Back then I had no idea that I had cancer but the pain got worse and worse over time as I waited for specialists who finally discovered I didn't just have a cyst. Now let's not get too carried away, I don't think it's the same today as it was then. I just had a check up last month and have my next PET scan in December with no red flags thus far. I'm just uncomfortable and maybe I'll always have theses types of boughts or aches but man it makes me angry and sad.

It's easy to catch yourself thinking of the what ifs as reoccurrence with this awful disease is unfortunately common. As much as I've beaten the odds and remain happy and positive I still hold so much anger. I'm angry it happened. I'm angry I struggle to ride a bike. I'm angry stairs are hard to climb. I'm angry I'm in pain. But then the positives come out. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful to be a better person. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned.

I was chatting with a lovely customer the other day. In our conversation I mentioned how the post cancer life is so much harder than people think. I've said this before but it's so true. Unless you've been there you just don't get it. I've seen posts of a celebrity who battled cancer and won. Great news for her. However most of her posts show (in my opinion) an unfair image of cancer. She often shared dance class videos, what I would have done to be able to dance during it all. I guess what I'm trying to say is not one journey is the same. Cancer, or just illness in general, has no face. I have two cousins who struggle with Rheumatoid Arthritis and they too look "normal". So maybe we need to stop wanting to see the struggle and better support it.

Yes Wonder Woman is a fictional character, but you gotta love how she fights for love and everyone around it.  She was also in tip top shape and had majestic powers, but you get my drift!  My wonder powers are Ativan and loved ones (ha ha ha) but man I need to bring my Wonder Womam out more often. How easy it is to get caught up in daily throws or trivial things, but it's because they're easy. It's easy to make a bubble (I've totally done that) and feel safe.

My goal for tomorrow is to do my list of wonderful things. Some physical and some basic. I keep forgetting to buy olive oil at the grocery store & I've been putting off the gym because of this pain. So tomorrow I'll get the oil & I'll go the gym. I'll just scale down my treadmill elevation and then I'll cook me & the nameless bestie one heck of a meal. Stay wonderful people...it's the only way!

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer