Today was my checkup and PET scan day at the Cancer Agency. As usual I wore an outfit which require I need not change in to a gown and had a fierce red lip, Russian red from MAC to be specific. Some patients have a lucky blanket, a hat or even a shirt....my armour is lipstick. It makes me feel like I'm masking my worry or anger.
When I finally saw a specialist back in July of 2014, I really only expected to hear I had a cyst. Instead she told me a biopsy was needed. 5 days later my cancer journey began. Today I told the doctor of my recent (past 6 months) discomfort and location and heard the same result. A biopsy of a lesion near my rectum is needed. We didn't have enough time in the moment as my PET scan was scheduled right after, so I'm back next Wednesday to be seen and evaluated.
As the doctor came and went out of the room, tears started to roll down my cheeks as I lay there remembering that first diagnosis. Am I going through this again??? Being diagnosed a possible 2nd time doesn't worry me as much as the pain that comes with it. The tears were shed remembering the agony I endured. I do not want to go back to this place. I do not want cancer again.
I currently have a mass or lesion that causes uncomfortableness with sitting and general movement. The more I move, the more I hurt. I'm on my feet all day for work so when I come home I feel broken and sore. This needs to stop. We discussed pain management today but none are real options at the moment. I've been down this road before where the meds bring forth constipation, drowsiness and not being able to drive. None are good for me at the moment, so Tylenol is my BFF until this is sorted out.
The PET scan went well but I just couldn't ignore all these feelings. I relax in a room while the dye circulates my body for 45 min & listen to music. I had to turn It off as every song spoke of death or pain, or struggle. I then lay down on the bed that rises up to go through the tunnel my arms crossed behind my head, the warm hospital blanket on top of me. During the scan you have to remain very still but I couldn't hold back the tears. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize a happy time but instead saw me in this machine 3 years ago. I didn't move during the scan but did leave traces of my Urban Decay eyeliner and mascara!
I'm lucky my family and friends were so supportive tonight via phone and in person. Although they can't fully understand what I'm feeling, they too don't want this cancer coming back. It affects us all. They know how scared I am of what further treatment and surgeries could do to me. But I have no choice really. Whatever the scan and biopsy may show I'll keep fighting. I'm just scared I have little fight left in me. When you struggle every single day for 3.5 years it just gets old and tiring.
So here we are again, waiting for more results and more tests. Seems like I never left that place, and in many ways I don't think I ever will. I have to get better when 'again' moments come up but darn it it's hard. It's so much easier to say goodbye than it is to say see you again.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
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