I never properly understood the saying “time flys” until dealing with illness. In the hardest of moments time seemed to stand still. At the end of the rough still like days, my head resting on my pillow waking up to a new day with new minutes and new hours.
In the agonizing moments I truly lived minute by minute. Then after some time I progressed to hour by hour and day by day. Soon enough time was “flying” and found myself living week by week and eventually month by month. I’ve yet to get over the month time line as I’ve always had some sort of set back. Some of these set backs took me back to day by day and I must tell you, the struggle mentally was hard. It’s hard to see yourself improve to then quickly have it taken back.
6 years ago today I had my first chemotherapy treatment. I remember showing up wearing lipstick and a smile but that was all a cover. My shield. Inside I was freaking out. Crying internally that I had stage 3 Vulvar cancer and what it meant. I had no idea what lay ahead of me, if I’d beat this awful disease at all, who I’d be.
Time has shown me its ticking hand in various ways. The time I wasn’t sure if I’d wake up after major surgery having a Last Will & Testament drawn up. There were times when I felt like a champion. Walking for the first time after being cut open top to bottom forever changed. When I heard I was cancer free, feeling like all the time spent in agony was worth it. I was alive. My relapse came just over 2 years later, feeling like I’d been thrown in to a shark tank. As of my birthday (August 16th) I’ve hit 2 years 6 months since last hearing I was cancer free.
I could never have imagined 6 years ago where I’d be today. The naive me thought I’d be back to normal, but the new me soon learned that there really is no such thing as normal. There is just you, and that time evolves you along with it. I still have a few more surgeries hopefully to be scheduled soon. The side effects of treatment have been harder in many ways than the treatment itself. My ostomy has become a blessing physically and also driven me in ways I’d never have gone without it and my cancer.
Starting this blog which has exceeded 107,000 views. My Instagram Ostomate and the City continues to grow and starting to expand in to other social media platforms. I weirdly feel more like me than I did before cancer and ostomy life. My sights set on employment in a relatable field as soon as I can make it happen. I’m very grateful to still have time flying by. I’ve seen others I care for lose their battles, deal with timelines they never saw coming. Survivors guilt is real for me, never leaving my heart.
Time really does fly, I envision gold glittery wings, so take a minute of it to reflect. Time to see who you are & how that’s totally normal.