Illness journeys are like train rides. Multiple stops, long horizons, with possible changes due to lack of roadway or proper fuel. The whistle blows and you hear "all aboard!?" when it's time to choo choo on out.
My biopsy surgeries are this week and I hear the locomotive pulling in! My conductor (in this case my dad) will be driving me in & picking me up. Tuesday is biopsy #1 which I'll be sedated for, and Wednesday is an ultrasound biopsy for my left groin lymph node. By the end of the week I should know what is happening. Will my train stay on course or will it jump a track last minute?
In my head I know. I know a colostomy is coming. My pain & symptoms mirror round 1, but this time I got it figured out sooner since I knew what to expect. I've been on bedrest since late December, my bed way more comfy than a train car however, and my pain is somewhat under control. Never gone but not as debilitating as before.
I was supposed to go to an appointment with the anestheologist Friday but was in rough shape. I woke up expecting I'd be fine to drive myself in, had a bath but then boom! It was 930am and my appointment was for 11. For whatever reason my anxiety went off the charts. I was balling my eyes out, then my body revolted in other ways....I was a total mess. If you follow me on Instagram you probably saw the posted videos. I've never done a video before, but have seen so many courageous ones from others, that I did just that. It was like I had someone in the room with me and it helped. It also showed another side of illness, the side we often don't see. The doctor I was meant to meet with was amazing and called to review what we would have done in person.
The doctor was giving other sedation options to me including an epidural. I was pretty adimant I want complete sedation. Like common doc, I do not want to know or for that matter see anything you do to me! I've never once been awake or sedated awake, and don't want to start now. It's like they know I'm a veteran of these surgeries and want to give me a purple heart & I just want to see stars as I pass out! Pretty sure Carly's Train just choo choo'd a loud NO on that one!
Tonight dad and I are staying at a dear family friends home in the city to avoid the congested drive as admitting is 9am tomorrow. This way I'll wake up with less stress and be ready to board my train knowing it'll soon come to a stop one way or another. A straight forward track will show itself most likely by the end of the week. This girl is ready to be the conductor sooner than later.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
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