I just woke up from a terrible dream and it's not the first time. When I wake I'm very sad with wet cheeks although I'm not crying anymore and I have the hiccups. The reason these dreams come to be, is from me being hurt in the past and still feeling hurt in the present. These bad dreams happen out of anger and I need to write this blog to shed some of this hurt, even if just a little bit, to help me move on in the land of dreams and the land of reality we call life.
This is not a trashy magazine where I'll name the people who've caused me pain, but this is a blog about me and my journey. I have no clue if they'll even see this blog but I'm writing this for me not them. One thing I learned early is to stay positive and be happy. To surround yourself with people who love you and support you. I think I've done a real good job of that until recently.
My hurt has always been present, but I chose to sweep it under the rug because the last thing I needed was negativity and sadness. Thing is the rug only covers it for so long. It only covers it until someone bumped in to someone and I was the topic of conversation. But why now do you care of me and ask of me? I really struggle with this.
Why does my being sick make you care for me again? You sure didn't care of me when you hurt me and tossed my feelings like a rag doll. If I had never got cancer would you have ever cared again? If the answer is no then that answers everything. If the answer is yes maybe there's hope. But with hope can still come pain because you need to repair the old wound just as hyperbaric is healing mine now, however it is not healing my heart.
3 people are causing these dreams but the hard Knox part of me says screw you, you're gone, you're out forever, if I (knock on wood) would pass today don't show up to my service as you're not welcome. This is very harsh but it comes from being very hurt. Here come those darn tears rolling down my cheek again. This is hard.
So what from here. I don't know the answers. I'm scared to mend these fences because I can't take the hurt again and don't know if we could heal openly and healthy together, and that's not a dream that's a nightmare. What I do know, is that in order to hurt less I need to love more.
Question is do I love you or a new hobby or a pair of shoes? Guess I'll wait and see what time brings but I shrug my shoulders to time because I could get hit by a bus tomorrow or get bad results in March. Time is a precious gift and life is only as happy as you make it.
It's now approaching 3am and Simba has stretched himself across my wrists so I can hardly type. Deep blog today...but I already feel better. Hope my dreams can start to change.
XOXO
#carly2conquercancer
C
I'm sorry you're hurt. Perhaps you need to prioritize yourself and your own healing right now. You don't need to let them in if they do you harm. Sending lots of love.
ReplyDeletehey Carly,
ReplyDeleteDad always said start a person at a 5/10. This way they can show you who they are and you can embrace them or let them go. I have always found this to be a sound way to enter any relationship. It removes the pressure from you and gives them a chance too. Always thinking about you. Love Su