Enough!

I'm writing in black today cause I'm mad and pink, purple and shinny royal blue don't say mad.  While being mad I'm also sad, tired, frustrated and need to write to get it out, venting by iPad!  Usually by the end of my blog I feel way better, so thanks for listening, or errrr...reading!

Today was just one of those days when I woke up and wasn't feeling my usual (although I must remind myself there is no usual) self.  I had my early "hardly nothing" breakfast and headed off to VGH.  I say "hardly nothing" because it's a cup of yogurt & 1 slice of toast which is all I eat until home at 4:15pm.  I got out of treatment at 3:15pm and was feeling pain and so hungry.  How these contestants on survivor don't eat each other or their limbs I have no idea, although they aren't going through cancer and chrones while stuck on an island...guess I just answered my own question. 

I decided to break routine (usually I'd drink a boost drink) and get a wrap from the hospital cafe to eat en route home in my car.  It was tasty and seemed to fill or take away my hunger pains.  Only thing is I think I misunderstood my pain and food just fuelled my aches.  I was at 70th & Oak in the middle lane in excruciating pain and knew I couldn't make it home.  I signalled and got a little aggressive in order to get over to Marine Dr instead of the bridge & then a freeway of no restrooms.  I zoomed in to a handicap parking stall, threw up my pass and ran. I haven't run this fast since gym class in High School and I have a mild limp!  Definitely not a graceful run I'm sure!

I wasn't sure how to tell this next bit, but y'all are reading cause you love me or support me or my family in some way or have heard of my blog somehow....someway.  This blog was started to help me cope & communicate but it's become a learning tool and reality for so many so why hold back now?  If I can help myself and anyone else with this then my new journey truly has begun.

Even though I ran I lost the race.  Luckily I wear "pull-ups" post surgery so they were my saviour, and I also had an extra in my bag.  Thing is once I cleaned myself up and calmly walked back to my car I just lost it.  I didn't want perfect strangers or the lobby clerk 
thinking I was a nut job so held it in but as soon as I saw my car the tears came rolling down my cheeks.  One positive is I wasn't wearing mascara so had no steaks all over!  I sat in my car in the disability stall and cried for a good 5 minutes.  Funny thing is I've never felt I had a disability through all this until today.  Cancer wasn't a disability it was a disease but this chrones part is truly a disability, and the radiating of my pelvis has done damage. I need solutions STAT and will be calling tomorrow to get in to the next specialist sooner than scheduled.  I can't wait any longer.  I can't have moments like these. I waited for a specialist in the beginning pre-diagnosis for months and will never wait that long again to 
improve my health or quality of life.  Of course my aggressive calls for help will be met with please and thank you 'cause manners never do you poorly.

Like the old TV show "Who wants to be a millionaire" I used a lifeline and called a nearby friend.  I needed somewhere to go to wait out traffic as I was slightly emotional of what had just happened.  My lifeline, Janie Pudie, answered and was home.  My call had been answered and off I went although not with a million dollars...darn it.  We sat around in her well decorated living room and talked it out. Between her listening ear and most of the traffic done for the day, off I went back home.  I had Amber waiting for me and tickets to see the movie Kingsman (7/10 overall but entertaining). I'm an Allen, a sick Allen, but still an Allen are we are strong willed folk.  No bad day was going to stop me from taking my chum from Calgary to a movie.

I saw the movie and learned I can no longer eat popcorn.  Doesn't digest well and it's high in fibre, guess I'll be packing celery sticks or cucumber slices next time for a theatre snack...you need a snack it's almost movie law!  After the show I went to the restroom and Amber was waiting for me at my car.  I walked out & down the Cinderlla-esque steps of Silver City and started to cry.  Amber drove us home, listened & reassured me oh so nicely, I spoke with my mom and then soaked in a lavender Epsom salt bath.  There may have been a Palm Bay sitting on the baths ledge. I was out of wine and needed a few sips of something after such a day. 

Now here I am feeling better after iPad venting on what is way too long a blog.  I hope I captured you all the way through my blabbing and as I said before, thank you for reading.  As of 1am Thursday I am 190 views shy of 20,000!  HOLY SMOKES 20,000!  Think it's time I look at how to expand even further to connect with others.  

Knowledge is power & strength and that's totally what I need -Carly Allen 
Think I just made up that quote!  Smile on my face, blog has done it's job. 

Love you blog and love you all as well. Thanks for being my lifelines in so many ways!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer


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