A la hospital

I was on antibiotics for 1 week post surgery as a preventative measure, but after they ended just before Christmas, I wasn't feeling quite right.  I rang the doctor this past Friday and told him my symptoms, and he called in a prescription right away to fight what we expected was an infection.  What we didn't expect was as to how serious an infection it would become!

I called the Cancer Clinic Monday and they squeezed me in for a checkup at 1pm. I was in a tremendous amount of pain, could hardly walk and no sitting of any sort was possible, it just hurt way too much.  I lay my head on the console between mom and me as she drove us to the clinic. I was crying but in true mom fashion she calmed me by gently rubbing my cheek & her fingers through my hair saying "we're almost there".   We arrive at the clinic and I wobble with my cane to the check in desk.  Pleasant lady says to to take a seat in the waiting room, and with tears rolling down my cheek I told her I could not sit.  There  were other cancer patients in the waiting room but all eyes we're on me as I was the days token "I'm glad I'm not her" girl.  There's always one worse off patient and on Monday I carried that honour, just with no trophy or sachet!

I was quickly taken to an evaluation room where I could lie down and wipe my tears.  I always forget to bring my own kleenex to the clinic or VGH cause their Kleenex is like sand paper..better add that to my next visit list!   I was evaluated by 2 lovely doctors and told I have a severe infection and will need to be admitted to VGH.  I was totally on board to do whatever it takes to make me feel better but I didn't bring my overnight bag.  The horror!....but I shall survive for 1 night without trashy magazines, iPad and charger.  Cousin Steph lives around the corner so when she and Su visited, they brought along a toothbrush and toothpaste which is a necessity!  

The cancer clinic & VGH are connected via underground tunnels so off I went on a gurney for a bit of an adventure. My porter was a nice man but whistled the whole time adding to the ambience.  It was cool but also kinda creepy with pipes and neon lighting and random staff appearing out of random hallways like you'd see in a haunted house at Halloween!  The robin blue coloured elevator finally brought us up & we set out for my room. 

I've now been a la Hospital for 2 days receiving antibiotics & pain medication via IV. I can already see improvement but got a way to go yet. The doctors will keep examining me & will decide if a trip to the OR is needed for what they call debridment which removes infected tissue.  A CT scan has been ordered to ensure infection just in 1 area. Let's  move on shall we....

I've had lots of visitors and wouLd appreciate more. Seeing happy faces and hearing jokes that make me laugh & smile makes the wearing of this gown all the better!  Please keep coming as I'm here until at least Saturday.

Tonight is NYE so expect no visitor so decided to have a party with solitaire...oh ya...wild night!

Talk to you next year & thanks for all the support & love 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Ugh!

Hello all!  Hope you had a lovely Christmas with your family.  I had a great day & laughed so much I literally busted a stitch.  I'm now back on antibiotics to rid the infection & pain caused by Christmas...thanks Santa but it was worth it!

We played a card game called Cards For Humanity and the laughter was loud & furious. As cards we're being passed around the table, a few glasses of wine were spilt either from bad aim or just too much wine being drank.  I couldn't sit for long periods of time so I'd go back & forth from the couch to the table with super brother playing my cards as needed keeping me in the game.  

I'm now glued to my bed as the infection & swelling is quite painful.  No where near the level of pain I felt from the type of radiation I received but enough pain to have me back on hydromorphone.  Hopefully the antibiotics do their job & I'm feeling better in a couple of days.  Not feeling too humorous tonight (could be the morphine) but wanted to post the latest.  

New are pics showing either on this blog or via my Instagram.  Christmas sweaters and a signed Bonino jersey gave me huge smiles to say the least!

Don't forget I'm looking to hear from you if you can partake in my packing party. Good people, good times & maybe a few paper cuts from the packing paper, but you need not worry I got band-aids ready to go!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Bah, humbug!

I'm hoping by the time I finish writing this blog my bug bite is gone, the Bah Humbug bite that is.  

Christmas is such a magical time, a time I usually love & all that comes with it.  I'm usually the photographer (have loads of albums to prove it), decorate, wrap presents, send cards...you name it I love Christmas.  I did send cards this year and put up some decor in my apt but today I got bitten. It's Christmas Eve & I feel sad and angry.  As I feel sad and angry I try to change my emotions because I know 2 families mourning the loss of their loved one this Christmas as a result of cancer.  

It's hard for me as I'm not 100% and won't be for a while.  I couldn't go to the mall and shop for gifts and I attended no Christmas parties.  It sucks and today it hit me hard. 

Cancer has taken a lot from me in 2014 but gosh darn it I won't let it take my Christmas spirit.  Christmas Day has always been a day us Allen's are together and tomorrow is no different.  In my 39 years I think only twice have I not been with my uncle, dad, mom and brother. Christmas is our day, like an unspoken rule.  We're not cheesy "love you" folk but it's always entertaining whatever we do!

I'm going to wake up Christmas Day and "Shake it off" as Taylor Swifts hit song says.  Tomorrow is my day with my family and I WILL enjoy it.  I might be sitting on a cushion or laying on the couch but I'll love every minute of it.

Merry Christmas everyone .... Bug bite is gone!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Knowledge is power

I've kept researching more and more each day.  I've found loads on Instagram and a couple of blogs to read.  Most of the colostomy stories I've seen are results of colitis, inflamed bowel syndrome or chrones.  The result remains the same just different stories of how we all got there.

I appreciate the suggestions of names and hashtags y'all submitted for my upcoming bag and new way of life. Here are the results...

My bag will be called "Winnie" and my hashtag will be #carlysbaglife
An example "Went shopping today but Winnie was a bother so had to come home" #carlysbaglife

Winnie was submitted by cousin Crissy and her husband John who took their inspiration from Winnie....The Pooh.....get it!

Yesterday was a good day as I was able to prop myself up and drive my car.  I journeyed back to my apartment and spent the day with Simba and had a visit from Cindy who's been cat sitting when I can't go home.  Simba loves her and I might have been a little jealous but then he jumped on me layed down purring and all was soon forgotten.

My knowledge is widening as to the things Winnie and I will go through.  I can already tell she will be a fashionista and will need her own outfits.  Lucky for me I have family who sew, who I think (wink wink) would be happy to create a fashion line for Winnie.  I don't know her measurements yet but as soon as we do let the sewing begin! 

I've been reading some blogs and most women say the dating part isn't so bad.  Most guys are in the know more than ever before and seem not to care but more interested in its mechanics.  I guess everyone has some sort of baggage, mine will just be carried around with me everywhere I go!

I'm resting up these next few days before Christmas.  My Christmas wish isn't for material things.....I'd just like to be healed enough to sit!!  I'm off anti-biotics so can partake in Christmas cheer (there is a god!) and will obviously have good makeup and nails at a minimum. The odds are looking good that I can get my hair done on Tuesday which will brighten me up in more ways than 1!

Canucks won last night ending a losing streak so hopefully we're both on a winning path...for a while anyway!  Oh PS if you receive my updates via email it's great but visit the site on your laptop or iPad to see my pictures.  They're mid page right. 

#carly2conquercancer #carlysbaglife

XOXO

C

Research

It's been a few days since I learned of my new fate with "the bag".  I just hate saying "the bag".  It's real term is colostomy bag so I could call it CB but that's kinda blah.  I need your suggestions to come up with a nickname and hashtag.  Looking for clean & witty but catchy.  #carlysbaglife #bagass  
Feel free to comment on here or message me any which way; Instagram, Twitter, FB, email or text or a good 'ol phone call.  I'm very reachable! Let's see what we can come up with!

Today as I snuggled with Simba at my apartment, I decided it was time to do some research. To see some pictures and get a sense of my new reality.  I took to Instagram as Google just gets the worst of me!  I typed #colostomybag and loads of pictures came up.  I was so shocked at how many young women who appear to be in their 20s were posting and owning their "bag".  I saw one quote that stuck with me all day.  "Scars are like tattoos but with deeper stories".  As Oprah would say that was an ah-ha moment.  I followed a young lady and sent her a comment and she wrote back "be strong". She doesn't know me but that helped me a lot today.  At that very moment I decided to be a face any way I can for awareness and self worth for others.  I've got lots to learn to get there but I'll share my learnings along the way. A picture is worth a thousand words.

I've been maintaining my apt throughout my illness but I just can't do so any more.  I need FT help so therefore I've been at mom & dads, but as of Feb 1st I'll be moving in with them and putting my belongings in storage.  This means a packing party weekend will take place.  Jan 17 & 18 I seek aid from anyone who's willing.  I'll make it a lot of fun with music, refreshments and laughter.  It's also a good excuse to get people together and I'm fairly organized so you won't be finding stuff from 1998!  Don't worry I'll have movers thereafter so you won't have to strain any muscles.  If you're able to help please email me at carlyallen75@icloud.com

Trying my best to stay upbeat and positive but I've cried often.  I think anyone I spoke with today heard a tear or two.  In order for me to stay on the right path I need to stay in control whenever I can.  I'll continue to fight and remain the boss of me. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Embrace life

When I write my blogs in pink it usually means I'm happy about something.  I wouldn't say I'm happy with my new path, but I can tell you I will embrace it and love life again, although I don't think I ever really stopped.  

I woke up this morning and sent this text to many of my groupies:

"Yesterday was tough.  Not gonna sugar coat it but woke up today in better spirits.  Think I might be more scared of surgery & pain than the bag itself.  I look forward to not having to run to a washroom once this all happens.  Maybe I can get the bag in pink or other colours to match my undies!  I am lobbying to get a tummy tuck/lypo. Why the heck not if I'm already getting abdominal surgery.  Don't know the facts but I'm gonna ask.  If I got to go through all this hopefully I can look hotter than ever."

I had a post-op appointment at the cancer clinic this afternoon but with a different doctor as my amazing surgeon (love her!) was elsewhere fighting against cancer.  Seems that I'm healing from the inside-out...maybe that's why I feel so much pressure but my question to the doctor was when I'm off the anti-biotics can I have a drink....it's Christmas and I hurt...I just want a drink!  She chuckled and explained the proper practices of alcohol and medications but I got a smile and the go ahead.

On the way out I asked the nurses at the desk if I could leave a note for my surgeon since I didn't see her today.  The note was hand written with 3 questions that came up since yesterday's call.  I think you know question 1 & I hope she laughs but also knows I'm totally serious!

My spirits are higher today but it's because of other people who have set a bright path before me.  I have close friends and family who have gone through their own pain so I follow their footsteps to a cancer free life...a better life. 

#carly2conquercancer 

XOXO

C

Overtime

Tonight Florida & Washington set an NHL record in the shoot out.  They went 20 rounds before the Florida Panthers finally won the game.  So far in my "hockey game" of cancer I've gone 4 rounds; lymph node removed, chemo, radiation and surgery #1.  Well fans get ready for round 5 as surgery #2 is headed my way this Jan/Feb 2015.  I will not be selling tickets to this overtime event however I will gladly take an audience as visitors when able.  

I received a call from my surgeon this afternoon that the margins we hoped for just aren't there.  A good margin is 8mm and mine are 1mm & 2mm.  Even though we had great results with the shrinking of Big Kahuna and considered to now be cancer free, all would be short lived.  If I stayed as I am today I'm almost guaranteed to get cancer again and soon.  The only way to give myself the best possible outcome is with a colostomy. 

I meet with my surgeon for a full information session about what's to come on Jan 21st.  Plastic surgery will be involved as skin will be removed from my thigh and used to create what she called a flap.  My incision will go to my belly button so I've requested a tuck while they're in there.  It's like the lottery..ya never know.  At least that could be a benefit for me to look forward to.  Gotta ask right!  Who doesn't love a 2 for 1 deal!

This surgery is much more extensive than the one I just had.  Abdominal surgery added in to the mix means recovering over a longer extended amount of time and needing a lot more care.  I expect to hear the exact time lines in January but was given a rough estimate of 2-3 months. 

With all this bad news I saw such strength in my family today.  My brother was at my apartment within 20 minutes, dad followed in another 10 and mom arrived soon after with auntie Shely in tow.  I didn't even call them to come they just knew this was my biggest fear & came.  We sat in my living room as I read out my chicken scratch notes...my penmanship was a mess and too much paper was used but pretty sure I got most of the facts.  Some tears were shed but also had some laughs as Shane is now to be called Super Brother!  Once we settled things up Shane and Dad went back to work, I collected my basics and auntie Shely drove me and mom back to my parents. 

I have a lot to think about and figure out over the next couple weeks but feel confident I'll come out on top.  With family and friends like you how can I not.

#carly2conquercancer 

XOXO

C

Box of chocolates

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" -Forrest Gump

I think I need to start watching movies about those who overcome adversity and see the better side of life again.  I need something to dry my tears.  I need purpose for all this pain.  I need to inspire myself more than ever before.

I've never climbed a mountain, not even the Grouse Grind (shocking as a YVR local but so not me), I don't ski or snowboard but let me tell you I've climbed & leaped other types of mountains this past year.  I want to say I'm done....I'm sick of it...but that just doesn't seem to be the cards I was dealt.  I've got a crappy hand right now and I'm asking for a re-deal STAT!

I cried a lot tonight, my dad listening while sitting on the bed telling me I could use the Kleenex to it's full potential...such a Grant comment!  I sum up our long conversation like this...I need all this pain and suffering to mean something...I need it to give back to me...I can't be the victim I must be the victor.  This won't just happen, I need to take the lead.  I'm a leader so I can do this.  

I feel guilty when I have my sad moments as I know there are people out there with no support, with nobody sitting on their bed listening to them cry.  You can't control disease like you can your calorie intake and that is so frustrating.  So how I deal with that is my future.  It will be the giving back I seek. 

Never say never but I don't see myself taking up skiing or climbing the grind.  Sweat and cold...2 things I dislike more than the Toronto Maple Leafs!  I will however pack a picnic for you and I'll always be willing to be the cute ski bunny in the lobby!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Scoreboard

I'm calling cancer a game.  Like a hockey game.  Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Sometimes the big brute from the other team beats you up, other times you knock him out.  That moment when you look up at the scoreboard to see how much time is left.  Will the game go in to overtime? 3-2-1......

My recovery seems to have followed the Canucks success on their recent Eastern road trip, not fun!  Not that any of this is meant to be fun but I feel beat up.  At this stage of the game I'm tired and it's hard to move.  I just want to get back to the old me, or the new me I should say, since Big Kahuna has left the building...he was given a game misconduct!

During the healing process they say it gets worse before it gets better.  Is this the worst and the end or will I get a rest and start overtime?  Perhaps my best season will be in 2015.  Either way I'll win the game and my trophy is life...much more grand than any Stanley Cup...well sort of! Go Canucks & go Carly go!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Cinderella

The newest version of Cinderella is being released in theatres March 13, 2015.  I can't wait to see it...it looks amazing!  Who cares that I'll be just shy of my 40th year lining up to see this film no doubt with girlfriends in tow, we grew up with Cinderella and love her.  

I've often dreamt of the tale through my cancer journey. My cancer plays the role of evil step-mother holding me back and causing me pain, the mice are my friends & family rooting me on and of course my mom is the fairy god mother who gives me strength and hope. 

Cinderella isn't just about meeting her prince, but also about how to conquer what's been put in front of you.  When you want change I truly believe there are always people there to help you. Sometimes those we least expect are those who touch or help us the most.  Over the last few months I've made new relationships I didn't see coming, strengthened ones long forgotten and seen why certain people are in my life.  I've conquered in 2014 and it feels better than any fairy tale....it's my tale.

2015 brings forward my Cinderella story of change.  How can I be a better person, how can I mean more to myself and to others, and how maybe I'll find my prince along the way. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Adios Big Kahuna

I'd made up several scenarios in my head over the last few weeks regarding the removal of Big Kahuna.  I woke up Monday morning in good spirits, put all those scenarios behind me, and mom and I drove to VGH to get the show started!

I couldn't have painted nails or wear any makeup so instead went for comfort wearing royal blue lounge pants with my oversized & overworn Canucks hoodie.  The comfort was short lived as once I walked through the pre-op doors I was given a gorgeous gown, cap and booties.  I lay in the bed & answered the usual questions....is this your DOB?  Any allergies? On any medications?  I met with my operating team and off I went waving goodbye to mom as I headed to the OR.

In the OR I spoke of hockey and celebrity gossip before going to la-la-land and woke up in recovery 2.5 hours later.  I was told the first thing I said was "big kahuna gone."  I don't remember saying much of anything but apparently I provided some laughs.  I had to stay in recovery until 730pm as there weren't enough porters to get me to my room.  I was well taken care of and feeling no pain.  I was allowed to call mom to have her come and give me my glasses so I could see properly.

I finally was taken to my room and had 2 surprises.  My cousin Stephanie was going to stay with me so mom could have a break and that the room that holds 4 was empty.  I got the bed with a view by the window and had a private room until midnight.  My dad came to visit and had me smiling although I wasn't feeling too hot. Not too long after dad left I started to shake and couldn't stop.  My stomach was empty, I just had major surgery and my body was pissed off!  I was shaking so bad Steph had to hold down my legs as the nurse injected meds to my IV calming me down.  At midnight Steph set off for home, I put in my custom ear plugs and fell asleep just as new roomies arrived. 

The next morning my surgeon woke me to share the surgery news.  Big Kahuna was gone!  A biopsy was done of the margins and in 1-2 weeks I'll hear the results.  If the margins are clear then all is done, but if not I'll have a 2nd surgery resulting in a colostomy. Knock on wood the margins are clear. 

The rest of the morning and afternoon had a few speed bumps including me having to self-administer a post-op blood thinner shot in my thigh.  I'll have to do this everyday for the next 10 days, hope my aim remains good!  With support from my nurse & doctor I was discharged at 6pm just 27 hours after surgery.  Pretty incredible.

The next few days will no doubt bring some pain and discomfort but this pain is nothing like what I felt during radiation. Doctors often say "on a scale of 1-10 how painful is it". Radiation was an 11 and this an 8.

Thanks to my friends & family who came to visit me in the hospital and for everyone's messages. I'm blessed having so many great people in my corner.  

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Time announced

Just a quick blog as I now know a little more. 

I get admitted to VGH tomorrow, Monday Dec 08, at 1030am.  When I actually start and finish surgery is not known but I'd guess show time would start around noon. 

I've packed my bag and included a plush leopard print robe, red sock-like slippers my grandma Allen used to wear and my Canucks touque should my ears get cold.  I always have to have something Canucks near by or on!

Between my mom and my friend Cathy you should hear updates via email, text or Facebook.  As soon as I'm able to see straight and complete a sentence I'll be sure to blog. 
XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Pretty girl

It's with sadness that I tell you on Tuesday I had to say goodbye to my cat Nalla.  She's been in & out of the vet since February and took a turn for the worse these past 2 weeks.  We spent 11 years together and she was a 7lb fireball!  My other cat Simba is 12 but in good health and seems to be OK with her departure.  They weren't the best of friends, I had to separate them often so this change hopefully goes smoothly.  It's hard saying goodbye to our pets but I take peace in knowing we can help them not suffer at the end of their furry lives.  RIP pretty girl!

Yesterday I visited with a nurse and anestheleologist at VGH to go over surgery procedures.  Nothing of surprise came about.  Pretty straight forward.  Start to finish surgery will be about 3 hrs and I'll be staying over night Monday.  What happens after that is TBD per my surgeon.  I came home for a few hours and then had to be at the clinic at 615pm for another PET scan.  I had this scan when I was first diagnosed so now they'll compare them to see what's different.  This is a nuclear medicine scan where they inject dye via IV that lights up any cancer cells.  I sit in a room for 45 min pre-scan so the dye makes if way thru my whole body.  There is no pain, just boredom and listening to music.   I've started listening more to the beat as song lyrics can be depressing.  Light at the end of the tunnel, I will survive, Freedom....like seriously!  

I've been feeling a lot better emotionally this week compared to the train wreck I was last week.  I think every stage reaches it's "peaceful" time and I'm there now.  There's no sense in getting angry, depressed or drunk to cope.  I just gotta cope.  Not saying I'm not anxious or scared of Mondays main event, but I hope to come out the winner.  I'll be sure to update this blog as soon as I can but thank you in advance for all your well wishes. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

Pre-Op

When I saw my surgeon on November 5th, I signed a few papers and was told I'd receive a call a week before surgery to review procedures and expectations.  Some of the papers I signed were regarding surgery do's and don'ts and the others were about donating tissue for cancer research.  I hit 2 chords signing those papers, the proud and scared chords.  The proud chord is hoping my cancer tissue samples can help someone in the future, perhaps help with advancements towards a cure.  The scared chord should be quite obvious.  Holy shit....I'm going to have major surgery and some sort of ending is coming.

Today marks 1 week pre-surgery to remove Big Kahuna and so came the call.  I expected this pre-op conversation to happen over the phone but was informed I must visit with a nurse and anesthesiologist for 1.5 hours on Friday.  I'll review medical history and hear how I'll be sedated and be able to ask any questions I may have.  

In recent conversations friends & family are inquiring about how they'll remove Big Kahuna, how long surgery will be and my recovery time.  To be perfectly honest I have no clue.  I decided early on in this journey some information is just not needed, at least for me anyway...or to save me from becoming an alcoholic LOL.  In the "ask questions" segment on Friday I will ask how long surgery will take but I need not know how Big Kahuna will make it's exit.  Maybe  after this is all over I'll find out but I'm dealing with enough emotionally right now.  I do know I'll stay at least 1 night post-surgery recovering at VGH but the rest will tell it's tale once they operate.

I've cried a lot since March but most of it was as a result of pain.  I never cried with my doctors or at any treatments, just at home with those who love me.  Now I'll cry just talking about this surgery.  I organized my closet and all my drawers to have my thoughts distracted.  I'm excited to say I feel like I have new clothes and shoes along with matching handbags long forgotten.

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Whac-A-Mole

From the time I was tall enough to get on the rides, my uncle took me to the PNE for my birthday until the age of 16.  I kept all the stuffed animals he won me until my parents sold our family home and was told they either move in with me or go for sale in the garage sale.  I chose the garage sale as I already had 3 roommates and needed no more. I like to think those animals made a little girl happy like they did me.  

One of the many games you'll find at the PNE and other city fairs is whac-a-mole.  If you've ever gone to the PNE or Calgary Stampede with me, you know I always play this game.  I'm not sure if I play because of childhood memories, because it has the best odds or just to whack the crap out of something & it being OK.  I was reminded about this game last week and realized how much it relates to what I'm going through and life in general.  You don't know which hole or when the mole will pop up, but the game is to whac-a-mole.  Some you whac and some you miss.  

19 weeks ago I was told I had cancer.  We know what hurdles I've been thru thus far and I like to think I whacked chemo and radiation although they really whacked me ...I just took the hit hoping for a stuffed animal.  In 12 days another whac is coming and I'm scared the hammer will miss.  This is the most unease I've felt so far and hopefully the end to treatment.

Life is a sequence of games. You just need to figure out how to win.

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Boring me!

Over the last few days I've been asked why I haven't blogged.  One friend thought something was wrong since I've been quiet & I replied that I'm just boring!

The recovery stage is going well physically.  Looking at me you'd have no idea I have cancer.  I'm no longer green from chemo nor in pain from the radiation. I'm no longer on any pain medication but still taking a sleeping pill to help me sleep through the night.  

Exhaustion or tired spells are what I feel most right now.  My groin lymphnode was removed in July and I recovered well from this surgery, but lately has been a bit swollen as I've been more on my feet.  Being on my feet means shopping and dinner dates lol

I found myself really busy last week.  As soon as I was told my surgery date I booked myself solid.  I think I did that so I wouldn't admit to myself how scared I am of this next step.  I've always been scared but more scared than I let on.  I don't really talk about it and won't until I have to.  I know all will be ok but it ain't gone be fun...none of this has.  

I usually don't put up my Christmas tree and decor until December 1st but broke tradition and decorated today.  I'll be at my folks most of December but love a festive apartment so why not right?  My folks will have lovely decor but I enjoy the set up so started early while I'm able. 

Oh I forgot to say I got a new winter coat..it's pale pink & I love it.  Big news!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Surgery set!

Extra extra read all about it.....this just in...December 8th big kahuna will be removed!

For anyone who doesn't know or remember, when this cancer journey began I named my tumour big kahuna.  I like to name things...my car goes by snowflake & my cats a Lion King theme.  I should probably rename big kahuna "little kahuna" since it's now shrunk in size but a name is a name!

I received a call Thursday letting me know surgery will happen December 8th at VGH.  I won't know what time until the 7th when I call admitting to find out.  They most likely schedule surgeries by order of importance but I like to think I'm important lol

I've had a lovely time this week visiting with cousin Crissy otherwise known as our favourite cousin from the east.  Rumour has it we had much success shopping but I will not deny nor confirm such news.  A nice family weekend of dinner and visits topped off with a successful Canucks road trip makes for a good time.  However my good time has come to an end as I find myself fighting a cold.  

My pops was a young soldier in WWII.  He was awarded the military cross & took part in the liberation of Holland.  A few years ago I read the letters he sent home to his wife during the war & envisioned a small part of what he went through.  I remember him often but will honour his memory and sacrifices Tuesday.  Lest we Forget. 

If I'm half as strong as Pops and my other grandparents were surgery has nothing on me!  

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Country strong

The Country Music Awards were on tonight and I found myself a bigger country fan.  The messages behind these songs are uplifting and/or touching.  A place where whiskey and a good looking man can make it all better.   A place where jeans and sparkly dresses are high fashion.  A place I'd like to go. I'll be country strong. 

Today I met with my surgeon to hear more about my upcoming surgery.  I don't have an exact date but it looks like early-mid December will be "party" time.  Once the doctor looks over her calendar I'll hear an exact date.  The agenda won't be written in stone as they won't really know what surgery will bring until it happens.  

If the tumour has shrunk enough & left enough space to remove it without affecting surrounding areas, they'll do so.  If there's not enough room or scar tissue appears to be part of the tumour, they'll perform a biopsy and complete surgery #1.  Once the biopsy results come back we'll know if it's scar tissue or not.  We'd want it to be scar tissue as if it's cancerous & on the sphincter that means a colostomy will happen.  Surgery #2. Basically room is needed around the cancer to avoid it from spreading.  Gosh that was a mouthful.  Are you confused 'cause I kinda am lol

Until December comes I'll download some new country songs and hope I beat cancer like Miranda Lambert beats her competitors.  Looks like some sparkly country boots are in my future...you know I love me some sparkle!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Fractions

Parents talk months for their babies age and in cancer we talk fractions...or at least we did today.

Today was my first appointment with my radiation doctor since the end of treatment and he gave me great news.  Over the past 6 weeks my tumour has continued to shrink and is 1/10th it's original size! This is exactly what we wanted to hear.  

When I was first seen they told me in order to remove the tumour without complication it had to shrink but there was no guarantee.  So far the shrink has happened and now I need the no complication part to follow. This coming Wednesday I meet with my surgeon and hope to hear more good news.

It's oh-so real right now.  I remember when this part was so far away and now it's here.  I still feel scared, anxious and uneasy but keep telling myself it too will pass. 

Since my journey began, 2 friends of mine have been diagnosed and joined the cancer club.  We all handle & feel things differently but I leave any newly diagnosed person with this advice:
-listen to your doctors as they are the best in the world
-stay positive
-ask for help & know when to say no

We're now in the month of November, or Movember, raising money and awareness for Men's cancers. How do I create a month to raise money for my type of cancer?  Nothing sounds as catchy but I sure know how to throw a party!  Adenocacinoma June just doesn't sound so good lol. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Movin' & groovin'

When I was first diagnosed they sat me in a room and laid out my cancer future.  My future was surgery, treatment, healing and surgery. I told myself to take it one step at a time and not to google anything.  All Google did was freak me out more than a Haunted House at Halloween.  I'm now at the healing stage which is going fairly well but I find myself reflecting on what I've gone through and what's to come.

I almost find this stage the most difficult.  Each stage has been hard in its own way but right now I'm in limbo.  I have no direct pain or crazy medications, just healing.  My body is recovering from the treatment and tricking me that I'm all better & soon I'll be physically strong enough to undergo surgery to remove big kahuna. What comes with the removal of the tumour is TBD.  This scares me more than anything I've been through thus far, the not knowing...the limbo.

In order to keep my mind from going to the dark side, I've been visiting with friends and family as much as I can. I've learned I still can't eat rich meals no matter how tasty they are but I've also adapted well to crowds and noisy spaces.  I'm excited to announce I attended a Canucks game with little struggle....or big struggle if you consider my not being able to finish a beer!

I meet with my surgeon November 5th for a healing evaluation and hopefully learn my surgery date as well.  I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I know I'll get through whatever is coming my way but I secretly wish this was all over.  Some days.....some moments....I'm just done. 

Today's big news was laundry and game 7 of the World Series. I was rooting for the Royals but happy for the Giants and their 3rd championship in 5 years. They're on their way to creating a dynasty and give me faith that you don't always win until the last at bat.  I'm a decent batter. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

5 Alive

Week 5 post treatment is here and it feels like I just started this crazy journey.  People say "wow time is flying by.." and they're right but at the same time it's all slow and continuous to me.  Over the last 9 months I've been in pain, diagnosed, surgery, chemo & radiation and now healing from all that.  Once I'm healed it's surgery time then more healing.  When you look at it this way...no time is not flying by but it is passing by and going in the right direction.

I've adjusted well to being back home and my cats have too which shows from all the cat hair on me from snuggles!  I've had some mini outings and had no anxiety or panic attacks which is a huge relief.  Most days I find myself tired so stay in my pjs and watch The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  I had 28 episodes on my PVR and now down to 11....I'll watch every episode!  That man cracks me up.  If you aren't watching or taping the show every night you should start. 

With today's terrible events in Ottawa, I hold my life even more close.  A family lost a son & father, a country felt terror and we all took a gasp we never saw coming.  This thing called life won't show us the future like movies do, instead we have to take what's given, roll with it and win.  Evil comes in many forms be it cancer or terror, it is up to us to come out stronger with lessons for the next challenge.  This is the only way I can think to get through the hard times...Geesh I'm getting soft in my old age!

Looking forward to some more outings this week especially Sunday as I'm hosting my girls for tea and treats.  My BFFS have been so amazing through this all, so why not a tea party to celebrate friendship and life.  I'll start inviting myself over to your homes for dinners to see you.....to thank you....or to avoid cooking for myself?

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Groupies

It's been an eventful week.  My 4th week post treatment is almost over & I'm feeling stronger every day. Since I'm feeling better I can do more, just little things, but it's a nice change from being in bed morning to night.  I've got my hair cut and a French manicure to my newly grown nails.

I've been hanging out at my apt with some happy cats.  Simba hasn't been 1 foot away from me since I came home and Nalla I think is mad at me so ignoring me mostly, but warming up each day to having me back around.

Last night was my aunts 75th birthday party and I was able to attend.  We held the party at Marine Drive Golf Course as my mom is a member/president so we had a lovely room for the family.  The food was good and auntie Marilyn had such a nice time with family and friends around her.  

While at the club I got to meet some of my peeps...my golf groupies. I don't golf but these ladies know my mom and have been following this blog.  A table full of ladies having dinner and enjoying each other's company. It made me think of my girls and how much I love doing that exact thing with them.  When I approached the table they cheered me and said I was an inspiration.  I will admit the cheers were nice but I don't feel I am in any way an inspiration.  I'm just a cancer patient fighting her battle as so many other people do.

I'll be sleeping solo in my apt tonight.  This will be the first time since I started treatment that I'll have slept in my own bed.  I feel ready but still a little nervous about not having someone else around.  Once I get my first night alone under my belt all will settle in to routine.   Wish me luck!

We shall see what the weekend brings.  Each day I wake up and figure it out.  My PVR is still full of shows to watch so I've always got a date with PVR if all else fails.  

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Thanksgiving

I looked up the word thanksgiving on Wikipedia and here's what I got.  
-"..a day of giving thanks for the blessing and harvest of the preceding year". In 1578 Canada Martin Frobisher who was trying to find a northern passage to the Pacific Ocean, held a thanksgiving celebration for surviving the long journey from England, not the harvest.
Blessings, harvests and journeys are thanksgiving and I think we can all relate.

Tonight we were at my parents and I just sat back and watched the action.  The kids running around or telling a cool story, my brother laughing so loud you can hear him next door, my cousin and his wife, my mom & dad...just everything.  It was fun and I know how lucky I am even going through this cancer battle.  I missed having uncle B and KA at the table to complete the Allen clan but we reached out in email. 

My journey changes each day and tomorrow is no exception.  I'm getting my car aka snowflake back on the road.  I'm gaining my wings back if you will.  This in no way means I'm back to normal life but it does mean I'm getting a bit of life back.  I'm doing so much better and look forward to seeing my friends more often and spending more time at my apt.  I'll still bounce between my apt and my folks as the company is comforting and mom cooks for me lol. My cats and my PVR will thank me at my place.  I think I have 27 Tonight Shows to catch up on.

I'm also getting my hair done tomorrow.  I've got bangs that are out of control.  I could tease them like we did in '89.  A cut & color is so needed. A selfie will follow once this mission is complete!

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving wherever you are. Let's just remember we can give thanks all year vs just the one day!

#carly2conquercancer


XOXO

C

Episode

Rehab is not a glorious thing.  It's just like on TV when you see the patient have an episode and need more rehab. Over the last few days I've had my own version of episodes.

I'm not going to bother you with my episode details but I can sum it up like this.  Remember the hit TV show Friends?  Rachel and Ross dated and in one episode they broke up.  North American TV viewers couldn't believe it.  Finally on the last episode they get back together and all was well again.  This is pretty much me and my episodes and I just hope to have a Ross in the end...or a Pete..Matthew...heck I'm not picky lol 

Episodes aside, dad has really done well these last few days and I give him lots of credit.  He's got my meal and night routine down and we're also watching the TV show Gotham together.  We like the show but his use of the PVR remote could use some work.  Can't forget baseball (Go Royals), Football and now hockey.  

My aunt Tannis was kind enough to spend the day with me Tuesday.  We chatted for a while and then I headed to rest.  She'd brought stuff to do while I was asleep so worked away on her project.  When I woke up she warmed my lunch (rice & ground chicken I can't eat much).  Although I'm doing better it's just so nice having someone in the house even if I'm just resting. My friends and family have been amazing at filling the slots where mom and dad can't be with me.  Tannis stayed for dinner and right after she left my brother stopped by. A restful day with some love and great faces.

I'm feeling stronger every day. It took 5 weeks of harsh treatment to get here so it'll take nearly that to get back.  This is week 3 and I'm seeing progress each day.  I just never know what I'm up for or if I'm pushing myself too much.  Double edged sword cause you won't know til you try or you suffer the consequences.  Tomorrow my challenge is changing my bed and cleaning the tub.  Small things but big things for me these days.  I will conquer these challenges.  I'm Carly Allen for crying out loud...I get shit done!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Missing mom

Mom's only been away since Friday, so 3 days & it feels like a week.  Gosh I miss her.  My dad is a great man and loves me very much but he doesn't quite fit the bill!  

If you know my dad, you know he's a softy, he's a great dad and friend but not the best around the house.  He's shown me this more in 3 days than my 39 years of life.  Let the stories begin.......

We decided to have pasta & ground turkey for dinner on Friday and although Amber & I offered to get groceries he was on the case.  I texted him that afternoon saying we needed a sauce for the pasta.  He replied he had one that looks intriguing.  I should have known then we we're in trouble.  Dad arrives home with groceries in hand and with pure excitement shows us the sauce.  It's sauce all right....hot sauce!  My hands hit my face and Amber cracks up laughing.  Dad and Amber jumped in the truck back to the grocery store for real pasta sauce and Amber also got some garlic bread.  Amber cooked dinner but with dad chirping away in the living room about how she was cooking it.  All I could do was laugh.  Either that or strangle myself or him!  Apparently when I said sauce it wasn't specific enough, I should have said pasta sauce.  Oh my word lol

While Amber was here dad offered her more leftovers than drinks.  "Would you like a left over patty from lunch today" he said.  I just about fell over.  Or trying to save the pasta noodles in the Tupperware that were 4 days old.  Amber told him that pasta costs next to nothing and to relax.  Total priceless entertaining moments.  

So here we are on day 3 of 10 & I see progress.  He took my shopping list of what I'm able to eat vs his creative side telling me what to eat and just brought me some pasta in bed as I'm typing this blog.  He has hope yet.  But I love him so that's all that matters but he just needs to stick to my cancer routine.  

I had a lovely time with Amber but even though we really didn't do much it was hard for me.  In some ways I feel so good and others so bad.  Unfortunately the bad takes control so I need to get it under control and that takes more time.  More bed rest, staying calm and eating little bits throughout the day.  What I can eat is very limited so it gets boring but I have to stick to it.  It's great I've lost 13lbs but 7 of those were in one week.  The first week after treatment.  I need to stay heathy, whatever that is, during this crazy illness.

I have had a positive come out of this nastiness. Since my diagnosis in July I unknowingly stopped bitting my nails.  Only 2x in the last 5 years have I done this.  When my pops died and now.  So my new obsession is, you guessed it, my nails.  A new colour every few days. Wish I had thought to bring my colours from home as I have many but next time I go there I'll grab them.  I'm using moms but she has mostly pinks.  I kinda feel like painting them black or purple.  Just different than the norm.  A trip to shoppers could be in my future.

Today is Sunday and that means Football.  Think I'll lay on the couch with dad in his chair and we'll talk statistics. We've been watching the baseball too. Some crazy long games. Go Kansas City!  I know more about sports than most men and I credit that to my dad.  Since I was around 5 we went to Canucks and Lions games.  He taught me the plays and to yell "you bums" at the refs.  Anyone who ever comes to a game with me now must love the game. I don't take anyone just for a night out, it's business!

Well Football and nail polish are calling so I better go.  Lots of love to everyone!

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Adventures

It's been a couple days since I've blogged.  I have stories to tell you have no fear, I just didn't get time to write so you could hear!

It's been ten days since my last radiation treatment and they said things have to get worse before they get better.  They sure weren't kidding.  The first 4 days were pure agony.  Then you start to see/feel some improvement. In no way am I ready to jump back in to real life again but I'm feeling so much better.  

My mom had planned a trip with her BFFS a year ago to Napa Valley to celebrate their 65th bdays. Of course my cancer diagnosis put a grey cloud over her trip but since my boost was cancelled and I was rehabing she could still go.  I was happy for her but sad for me at the same time.  We've been together every single day through all this and now I'm going to be without her for 9 whole days!!!!  My dashing and happy go lucky father ensured me he was up to the task to take care of me in moms absence.  The talk we had was quite sweet and it's only day 2 & he's trying his best.  Very cute but he won't serve me breakfast in bed like mom did LOL

Yet again friendship takes the lead as my friend Amber flew in from Calgary yesterday to be with me over the weekend.  Usually when she comes to visit we have way too many shooters, go to The Roxy and do some shopping.  Not this time.  She's come to be with me and my cancer world.  Yesterday I got done up and Amber drove us in to town.  We went to my old watering hole Local at kits beach for a bite and Candice joined us too.  Only problem is I can't eat much so side of fries it was.  The salads, sandwiches and burgers all looked so good but the way I'd feel after reminded me not to order.  I lasted there but that was it.  I have to take it minute by minute and not over do it so we drove back home and chilled out the rest of the day until dad arrived home to make us dinner.

Today we have a pedicure planned and I think this will be great.  My feet need some soothing and it's a mini outing.  The hard part is picking what color I want on my toes for the next while.  Such big decisions I'll face today.  We'll see how I feel after and go from there.  Maybe we come home or maybe we find another mini adventure. 

I look forwarded to feeling even better next week.  I've got a small window between healing and surgery so want to make use of my time.  Once I can drive it'll really change things for me.  Could be next week-fingers crossed.  Be ready for Carly visits once I can drive to keep me busy, out of the house and thanking you for all your support thus far.  

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Love ahead

I just woke up out of a dream.  I can't recall exactly what the dream was, but I think it involved a picture perfect family running through a meadow tickling each other on a sunny day.  No wonder I woke up & thank goodness I didn't vommit LOL

This dream got me to thinking about my life après cancer, my love after cancer and my life before cancer.  Everywhere you look it's families.  Going to the park, face painting at the zoo or just chillin at home watching a show.  I see it on FB, TV shows and in the supermarket. Sometimes I tell myself people have kids so they can hang with kids more than adults.  Not a bad theory but so not true.

Before cancer I was "out there" but not in a relationship and definitely not picking the right guys.  It's like I had a neon sign that followed me saying "got troubles, come see me & I'll fix you.....for the next girl.  I've been cursed many times as the girl he dated before "the one".  So glad I could be of service at no charge except my sanity and most likely a lot of wine.

It'll be interesting when I enter the dating scene again. I'm jumping the gun here because it won't be for quite some time, but I think about it. I'll still be the same person who loves hockey and can make people laugh, but after that I'll have a story to tell and maybe a crutch that comes along with it.  It'll take a certain man to accept me if you will.  He better show his face because I got plans and need him to join me.

Yes kids are a blessing & I love all the little people in my life to pieces.  However there will be no "mini me".  Instead there will be a travelling me.  A me with things vs bottles & diapers.  A me who could jump in a pimped out RV & cruise across Canada for a couple months.  I've never been to PEI nor many other places.  A me I think I would be quite good at & happy with. Hopefully I can find my man and travel and do things most people would never do.  That would be cool....really cool!

I've always known I wanted a wedding but I've not always know or been sure on the kid part.  Maybe Prince Charming will already have one I can spoil or we have none and get the Great Dane I desperately want.  We'd name him Moufasa continuing with my existing Lion King named cats Simba & Nalla.  A theme never hurt anyone don't judge me LOL

I do know some great kid free couples & they are so happy together.  It be great to join that club & just think the money saved on kids would mean a kick ass wardrobe and shoes....oh and handbags.


#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C

Support

I literally just shot up in bed 3 hrs after taking a sleeping pill (how am I awake?) and said the word support.  Maybe I was in a dream thanking my supporters or something, but now I have to blog. There's no way I'll fall back asleep til I do. It's now 1:19am I'm typing with my left hand as my right is propping up my head since I'm doing this all while laying in bed on my right hip in the dark. Really...it's comfy!

Supporters come in so many forms.  I learned from cancer authour Kris Carr to have a posse.  Your go to team & I've got that but I've also got other supporters and every day I'm blown away by what you do to support me.  

Just yesterday Cindy, a gal I knew when I lived in Calgary years ago, posted on my Facebook wall that she ran for me at The Terry Fox Run.  I was floored. Cindy & I out of no fault of just losing time haven't seen or spoken in years. I don't know her phone number but she ran for me. Extremely touching & shows that social media keeps friendships alive. If not for FB she might never have known I was sick but the big message is she ran for me.  She supports me.  We're friends who care. Unbelievable. 

These last 4 days of rehab have been awful.  In the beginning of treatment you say or think "I got this" , I'm a fighter", "cancer ain't got nothing on me" or "fuck you cancer". All very true statements that help you stay positive until the end of your treatments but then they're gone. Just seeing my chemo and radiation teams daily kept me upbeat.  Now they're a memory. 

My 5 weeks were up Monday & now I'm home to rehab.  No more nurses or techies to run a question by.  No more talking to the lady who's always before or after you.  It just stops.  Now I'm my own advocate.  How do I know I'm healing properly before my 5 week follow up?  This was unsettling to me so my mother made a call to the clinic.  I'm not just being "pushed" away.  I can call the nurse & she'll see me anytime and evaluate me.  Such a relief.  They still care but they didn't tell me that at the end of my 5 weeks. The doctors did say call if you need anything but otherwise see you November for check up.  Instead I cried to my mom I felt abandoned and she made sure I wasn't. How much of a supporter is that!

I have 130 people's names I've written down that have somehow supported me in my cancer journey.  Each of these people have done different things from a card in the mail wishing me & my first tattoo well (have to wait to heal before I can get it so 2015), coming to spend the day laying in bed with me, sending me an email from across the globe, a beautiful picture from Queenstown with my hashtag and just being a friend.  I'm not an easy friend right now.  A visit with me is like a visit with a newborn who does little except I talk & am larger in size.   You know what I mean...I'm no fun but I'm getting there because of my supporters.  

Thank you so much for your support.  When I'm struggling or crying I just think of you & the lovely gestures you've shown me and it makes me feel better.  I know friendships take years to form but through this I see how many great friendships I made.  Really special and when this is over I will do my best to 
thank you all personally.  

Please keep the support coming because these next couple of weeks are big for me.  I'm pretty much on bed rest rehabing my radiation owies.  It will get better but until then I push through.

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C