Me?

I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was pre-cancer.  I had my place in my circle of friends, knew my role in social gatherings, sister, daughter etc.  All of that changed in July as my new identity became Cancer Carly.  It was the new me.. my new job..my new life.

My doctor told me 22 days ago that I was cancer free.  Such relief for me, my family & all my supporters hearing that the treatment had worked.  They still need to watch me closely for reoccurrence as I'm high risk but theoretically cancer free.  Knowing I'm high risk is hard to handle.  My next scan is in May and I can't help but wonder if I'll still be cancer free.  I'm not trying to be negative but that lingering is hard, more hope & faith is needed.  I think after I have a few clear scans in a row this will get easier and the lingering will go away.

In the blink of an eye I went from being at the clinic or hospital almost daily to absolutely nothing.  It's like jumping in to a pool right after being in the hot tub, a shock to your system.  Now I need to figure out how to stop this shock because it's so hard.

I'm not the same Carly pre-cancer and I'm not the same Carly during treatment so who the heck am I?  I keep thinking this has all happened for a greater purpose and I just have to keep improving myself and seeking "me" along the way.  Every day I struggle to get up or to leave the house to do errands or visit with a friend.  Once I set myself in motion I'm fine but it's so easy to just stay within my walls where I feel safe.  If anything goes wrong or if I'm struggling nobody will see me...well I guess my cat!  Maybe this explains why he's licking himself bald....ah that's another story!

Tomorrow I undergo a colonoscopy.  The prep isn't hard for me as I have no problem going without food for nearly 2 days.  I'm hoping that these results will help me feel better with food.  I'm hoping this will answer some questions as to why I feel icky after I eat. I really should be a twig with my eating habits but they're poor habits so my body stores food as I make it feel like it's starving.  Maybe they're right and I have chrones or a form of something similar, we shall see.  Perhaps I'll become a master chef with my new direction with food, any excuse to fill my table with guests!

This cancer journey is crazy.  The physical pain stops but the emotional never does.  I've spoken with other survivors and they say it's never really over, but you need to take the driver seat and not let it drive you.   Easier said than done but thank goodness I like to drive cause it's gonna be a while yet till I drive Cancer Carly in a straight line!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C