Thankful

It's 10pm and I'm in pyjamas laying in bed which funny enough, is where I write best. I came to realize I haven't written an entry since late August!  A couple months ago I would have still been up watching tv & somewhat down emotionally.  I wouldn't say I was in a depression as I hate to use the term loosely, but I was in a funk.  I call it the "cancer perguatory" where you aren't fully recovered but you're cancer free and living life somewhat normally again. I wanted to work but was scared, not sure if I had value to bring, not sure if I could simply do it.  But with support from those who love me most and my amazing doctors, I put myself out there again but it was one of the hardest decisions I'd made in a long time. I never had to decide to fight cancer, I just did since I had to, but trying to get life back was so hard. 

I'm so thankful that I did. I can say with every ounce of me that I'm happier than I was even possibly before my battle.  I've lost all my cancer weight and even some extra, I love my job, love the community of Tsawwassen and my newest crew members. How can I, how am I, so lucky to be here when so many others aren't. I've learned to not think this way too much as it can really get you down, I've learned it's ok to live again. I truly love my life and those in it.

Mom and I went to NYC a few weeks back after seeing family in Ontario. It was to see Jimmy Fallon, a man who helped me laugh when all I could do was scream. He doesn't know me but he sure helped me. As he ran up the stairs I luckily got a high 5 and almost melted. Pretty full circle moment for me and being with my mom who's been my rock since day 1. We explored the city, saw the sights, musicals and hopped on and off the bus. Wouldn't call it my favourite city I've ever seen but I can say it was my favourite time with mom over the last 3 years. 

My Mavi store in Tsawwassen Mills is open and I'm still kicking. My pelvis sore and the limp still strong, but I frickin did it.  My team loves me and those who guide me through the Mavi ways inspire me. As a result of walking in NYC and working my knee swelling is going down. I no longer walk stairs 2 feet at a time. I'm completely off all cancer and anxiety medications (which were making me a little crazy & shake) only taking meds to balance my hormones and Crohns. 2 years ago I was on so many meds in so much pain and now I'm here, truly remarkable. 

Sitting around the table with 13 Allens this Thanksgiving made me smile. How close I was to not being at that table and there I was bickering with my brother like the old days. I wouldn't give up those brother moments for anything. 

I now wake up 2 hours earlier each day and run a bath. I no longer want to feel rushed or stressed first thing, I want to feel calm and happy and a hot bubble bath sure makes the happy list.  I make my lunch, go to work and train my team, try to not exceed my hours worked, remembering if I can do it tomorrow to do just that. When you're told you might die, missing an email or not getting all those boxes unpacked sure isn't important and instead can be important the next day. I jokingly tell my team that if I, a recent stage 3 pelvic radiated chemo induced surgery prone lady can do it, they can do it too!

Be thankful. Act thankful. Feel thankful. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Workin' girl

Yes my friends, I'm a working girl again! Honestly, I didn't think this time would come. I wanted it to, but didn't think it would. After a handful of interviews and an offer turned down, I accepted the position of Store Manager for Mavi Jeans. They are my new fit, my new beginning. 

I had some criteria in order to return to work, with working close to home at the top of the list. A new mall is being constructed across the way (called Tsawwassen Mills) so seemed an obvious choice. At first I wasn't sure if I'd return to retail after my last experience, but it is what I do and my experience strong. After researching companies and their core values, I applied to MAVI JEANS. A week later an offer was presented, accepted and started work on Monday.

My body is not happy with me right now after being off work for 2.5 years. Obviously it was of good reason, but my feet care not. I limped home day 1 and after day 4 didn't have to change shoes mid day! My biggest obstacle week 1 are my knees. Since I had lymph nodes removed from my groin, blood circulation isn't the same. My knees are almost always swollen. The optimistic me hopes the movement helps my knees long term and after a couple weeks this will improve. 

I'm very impressed with the company and people thus far. They know my journey and welcome it to our relationship. This is what I wanted. A company who cares, really cares, and a company I'll do my best for in thanks.  For those of you who know I always wear dresses, the tides are turning. I've gotten a great first pair and look forward to more. Now to get in jean shape as they're my new fit. 

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

41

I was 39 when diagnosed with stage 3 cancer & today turn 41. This time 2 years ago I'd had lymph nodes removed and in 1 weeks time would start chemo and radiation.  My uncle and aunt took me to dinner as I was too sick to be away with visiting relatives from South Africa.  I remember thinking I'd soon see the end, boy was I wrong. 

I always thought after treatment I'd bounce back and be good to go. In many ways "recovery" has been harder for me than treatment. With treatment you know there's an end date, you'll either live or die. My recovery journey seems to have no end. My pelvis always hurts, my bladder is weak, anxiety runs fierce, I shake, I take meds to hold off menopause, swollen knees, bathroom issues and food issues. 

The first year I couldn't move much so now I move when I can. Sometimes easier than others, but  told myself to step out of my boundaries & train my mind and body.  Going to the beach seems an easy task, but for me involves mind control and pit stops along the way. It's a free venue so might as well get out and conquer.  I recently gofled but on a team as I can't do it all. Yes these things are fun but know they are also lessons. 

I'm ready to enter the workforce again, but easier said than done. No doubt employers have passed on me since I'm a survivor. I've shared my status up to now but it may be time to stop. I would never apply for a job I couldn't do, so hopefully I find the right fit. My recovery side effects can take a back seat and allow me to grab the reigns. 

Who knew I'd be in this position at 41 but the optimism in me is ready for my new beginning. I think I'll be a better employee & a better boss because of all this. Stay tuned!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Balance

I haven't written much the last few months but must have been dreaming about it last night. I just woke up (it's 5am) grabbed my iPad and here we are. I've had some ups and downs the last while and wasn't sure how to say it in words or if I was even meant to share. It's funny how you go from sharing everything from your medication to your radiation, and suddenly post treatment, you seek balance and boundaries. 

Coping with a cancer battle is similar to coping with the loss of a loved one. You grieve, you say goodbye to that relationship and then you move on. One thing I was really struggling with was the moving on. At first I was all excited and ready to take on anything and everything, but after that dust settled I felt guilt. Guilt for forgetting the agonizing pain, for forgetting the taste in my mouth from the chemo, for forgetting how precious life is and for forgetting how easily it can disappear. I didn't realize all this at the time and suspect it contributed to my anxiety just as much as my food issues did.

A few weeks ago I went in for my usual 3 month checkup.  I've gotten comfortable with my checkups as I've always been fine but this visit was different. My doctor saw some concern and performed a biopsy. Of course the one time I don't have my mom or a friend with me this happens, but I remained calm & called my aunt to talk it out.  It was my first real scare over the last year and a few days later heard the biopsy was negative...no cancer had returned. Needless to say after that phone call I was doing a happy dance and I'm not such a great dancer!

These struggles have also brought forth some greatness. As my 2 year diagnosis date of July 11th approaches, I'm thinking of no better time to take back the reigns and looking for work again. In saying that, I need to make sure I have balance and don't take on more than I can handle.  I'm not the same physically that I was before and although my head/ego thinks I can, my body says different. 

In order to volunteer at the Cancer Agency you need to remain cancer free for over a year. Now that I've exceeded the 1 year mark I'm able to volunteer if they'll take me. With regular life seemingly coming back my way, what a great way for me to stay grounded, to rid myself of the guilt and to gain more balance in this new beggining. 

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

Bunny

Remember the commercials for the Energizer bunny....it keeps going and going. Kinda the way things are with me of late. Today marked 1 year and 3 months since I heard the words "cancer free" and I'm  just like the bunny & keep going and going. I like to think my batteries need a charge here and there, or maybe a replacement, but I charge on regardless.

I heard a bit ago that I wasn't selected for the school program I applied for last November. Obviously a bit of a disappointment but after what I've been through I shrugged it off. There were some red flags the last couple months making me question the university, it's processes & my future, so I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Physically I've been feeling pretty good. After I met with the physiatrist and got a prescription for anxiety medication, I've noticed a big difference. I still have struggles but not as bad as before. A couple issues have occurred but don't we all have something holding us back now & then?  I need to work on how to communicate to people my limits & abilities. As much as I might appear and act ok, I'm not quite there and know how to mask it. It's all about my settings and sometimes people just don't get it. I hate to feel like I'm a burden but every once and a while I am. 

My reintroduction of raw vegetables is going well and I'm so happy about that as it just makes things so much easier. After so long without raw vegetables it was like I'd never had it before. I could have written a love letter to tomatoes!

Mom and dad are currently travelling in Europe and sounds like they're having an amazing time, minus missing me of course!  My auntie Karen came over the other day and helped me recover some patio chairs spiffing up my outdoor space. A little DIY to a 1968 set and now they look like new. Shane is loving the weather and golfing as much as he can. I'm not sure of his handicap but word on the street is he's quite good. Jay, Maria & the kids have settled in to their new home and the kids are growing like weeds. 

My new normal continues to unfold. 

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer 

C

Head check

On Tuesday I was back at the Cancer Agency for a sit down with a psychiatrist. I often hear people talking of going to a "shrink" for various reasons so wasn't embarrassed or nervous.  As I sat in the patient lounge on the 5th floor waiting to be called, all I saw were memories. It was in that very lounge not so long ago I had napped between chemo and radiation.  It was in that very lounge I had filled out admissions paperwork, called loved ones and shed a tear.  When my memories faded and I looked around me, I saw those exact things happening but this time with strangers. 

I made conversation with a 60 something couple next to me. As much as you don't want to listen to other people's conversations, it's hard not to. They were talking of scans and upcoming treatments so I pardoned the interruption and spoke of what I knew. I hope I was able to shed some light for them as I wished someone had done the same for me in my days in the lounge.  Soon after I was called in to my appointment and wished them well. 

The doctor asked me the obvious questions and then some I didn't expect. Everything from childhood, family, career and my cancer journey. I explained I'd reached out for help because I've been struggling with anxiety. It was during that sentence I got a little misty and the joyful jokester took a back seat. My only real worry heading in to this appointment was that my feelings would be dismissed and no solution would come about. By the end of our session I had a workbook recommendation, told of website resources, given a prescription and a follow up session scheduled for the following month. I felt I was heard and understood. 

I had 5 hours until my next appointment with my GI Doctor so headed to meet mom for lunch.  Mom had golfed that morning so met up with her and her golfing friends at the club. Many of these lovely ladies read my blog and I jokingly refer to them as my groupies. Such a nice group of women who've got some remarkable stories of their own. Seemed though that Tuesdays stories were mostly about their game on the back 9, or was it the front 9?  Regardless I enjoy our lunch dates and must acquire some golf fashion this summer. 

Dr. Weiss is my GI and diagnosed my Crohn's just over a year ago. I haven't seen him since diagnosis  and had a bunch of questions for him.  He gave me a deeper understanding of my condition explaining I don't have a blockage but I do have inflammation and I'll remain on medication to help with it.  He explained the restricted diet (I've been following this past year) is not necessary and to go back to normal eating habits/diet. I don't think he'd seen someone so excited to eat raw vegetables again as he did me. I must have asked him 3 times if I heard him right and then proceeded to punch the air like a punching bag! 

During our conversation he helped me have an "ah-ha" moment. Not to dismiss my level of Crohn's, we came to a conclusion that my anxiety is most likely the main cause of my food issues.  I had 2 defining incidents during treatment that seem to have affected me more than I thought. We feel that if I can get a stronger hold on the anxiety, that the rest will hopefully fall in to place. When I met mom in the waiting room my grin must have been from ear to ear, I felt the cheerleader in me coming out again. 

This journey has been so very hard physically and emotionally, so the times when you come out on top are just so amazing. I haven't felt this full since I heard my cancer was gone. Tonight two of my friends came over for dinner and I ate a salad. It was unreal, tomorrow I'll eat a tomato!

I'm due to hear if I've been accepted to school mid-May. I'm prepared for either a yes or a no but sure hope for the YES. I just feel it's my calling to work in health care. I'm no doctor, I'm no nurse but I am a survivor which carries no diploma but can help in any lounge, on any floor, any way & any time. Love to you all!

XOXO

#carly2conquercancer

C

Father Time

How time can fly by always astonishes me. You look at the calendar and suddenly it's one month later.  While reflecting on what you did you shake your head, maybe touch your hand to your forehead or even possibly a raised eyebrow and a silly looking face. That's pretty much how I feel tonight. 

Last I wrote I was struggling with chocolate...oh the drama!  I laugh about it now because of how silly it sounds but it was not so fun then when I could hardly stand the pain so severe. Overall I've had a decent few weeks coping with swollen joints and the usual struggles with food and anxiety. I see my GI next week so hoping he can shed some light and dietary referrals my way. I only eat at a few places in town and eat the same thing at each place each time. I'd like to expand my palet but uneasy until I get better advice and direction. Most people crave a burger, I crave lettuce. 

One month ago my friend Amber relocated to BC from Alberta. She came to visit me from Calgary twice during my illness (which in no way was inexpensive for her) & showed me sincere love and friendship. Amongst the visits she took a liking to Tsawwassen & this past New Years' came out again and spoke of the idea of relocating. Now it's happened!  She's got a great job, an apartment & a cruiser bike to come along on rides with me too!  

I'm very fortunate to have great friends in Alberta (from my 8 years living in Calgary) and of course here at home. Most of my school friends are widespread from Kits to Aldergrove, so now having a longtime friend blocks away is pretty amazing. It just might be what I need. Someone closeby besides my family who really knows me, understands the new me but yet can help push me. I'll help and push her too in to becoming the new her as new beginnings seem to be my specialty!  This weekend she moved and I helped set up her apartment. ✔️ for me already, the decor fabulous of course. 

I remember being a fourteen year old girl who'd hear her parents speak of "back when I was ..." Or "I've known her since I was..." stories & thinking they were weird and old. Here I am now telling these exact stories pretty much around the same age they were then. Time seriously has flown by and I'm just so grateful for it. 

#carly2conquercancer

XOXO

C