Control

The top definition per Google of the word control is as follows: the power to influence or direct people’s behaviour or the course of events. I feel a lack of control on a daily basis and just wanna scream! But after reading this definition maybe I need to tweek my thoughts a little differently.  

First off I’m lucky to be alive and do as much as I can to feel alive. I’m out socially in environments that fit my stage of recovery, I mail simple birthday cards to stay connected with others, I show up on time to doctor appointments and I take care of my 17 year old cat. These are things I CAN control. 

What I CAN’T control are these 2 darn hernias that apply constant pressure on my stomach.  I can’t control my sore back which is now compensating for these hernias. I can’t control skin irritation & bleeding to my stoma from a bag that my skin seemed to be allergic to. I can’t do any heavy lifting, no real physical activity is yet to be allowed. And worst of all, I CAN’T control how soon a surgery that will take them away will come. Harriette (hernias nickname) is driving me 🍌 bananas 🍌 and I hear Gwen Stefani singing it each time I think it. If you don’t know the song just google or iTunes it. 🎶 B-A-N-A-N-A-S 🎶

The healing process is different. That’s more of a frustration. Like last week while out for a lovely dinner for my aunt & uncles birthdays. I made it to the end of dinner but couldn’t stay more than that. The chairs were just not my pal. Lovely chairs but too hard for me at this time. I’ll take a selfie with this chair when I conquer it next year ha ha ha. I was sad tho. My dad drove me home and I shed some tears. Why couldn’t I make it thru. Why did I have to miss the speeches of some of the most amazing people in my life. He was awesome at handling this moment & reminded me I’m doing great. I’ve come a long way as I approach the 5 month mark, and he’s 100% right, but it’s still so frustrating not to have control. I did however control my dress which seemed to be a hit. I bought an inexpensive oversized blue & white polka dot long sleeved dress from H&M. Then took it to a tailor to sinch the waist & make it short sleeved. A Winnie friendly & stylishoutfit was born. A tailor should be everyone’s bff!

I can’t watch videos of cancer people hanging from a rock with one arm saying how strong they are post cancer. I also call bullshit!  Most of us who undergo cancer don’t bounce back quickly, nor are we the same, but we do have a better understanding and appreciation of life.  No cancer is the same & I’m glad they won, I just think it’s portraying cancer in a wrong way as a whole. And maybe I’m just jealous if I’m being honest. I want so much to do more and just can’t. However it won’t be forever and what I do now is what counts in the now.

Now let’s conclude by interpreting that definition slightly different. Here I am writing my version which could be called influence as I share with you my struggle and my reality. Guess I just had control of your attention to read this blog, my course of events, which is amazing and I thank you 🙏 

#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch

❌⭕️❌⭕️

C