Insomnia

I’ve always heard of people struggling with insomnia or sleep deprivation but never struggled myself so couldn’t relate. FFW to today and boy do I know how real the struggle is. I’m writing this blog with tears rolling down my cheeks from total exhaustion. This is not how I thought crying myself to sleep would go. Nothing seems to help in short periods, but instead hours. My good ol reliable sleeping pill Zopiclone isn’t even doing the trick. I realized I haven’t written in nearly a month and I usually write late so here we are. Long overdue sleep & long overdue writing may do the trick, but hopefully just to me and not you!

As my healing journey continues some days I’m up and others I’m down. The up days can be the hardest though, as they trick you in to thinking you can do more.  Uncle Pete's service was last week and hands down the biggest outing yet physically and emotionally since leaving the hospital. Clearly not the reason why I wanted to be out & catching up with loved ones, but I owned it. I dressed to impress as that’s exactly what P would have done for me.  I didn’t want to take away from the man who gave so much, so I medicated myself more than usual knowing I’d be up/down/sitting/crying...the list continues. I wore a dress that hid Winnie and my swelling, using my cane only in certain situations. It was a perfect goodbye but I’m reminded of him daily with one of his creations in my room & a bracelet I wear often. He will be missed by many, but how proud he must be of his legacy. 

A long time back I spoke of struggling to know what legacy I’d leave behind. To not have become a mother which is most women’s way of leaving legacy, however not mine.  Firstly how cute would they had been pending the mythical fathers genetics. Where is he anyway, like showup anytime now lol . A girl would have been named Marnie Monica Nita after all my grans ‘n nans. And Fraser Norman Grant honouring my pops, grandfather & my dad. I never froze my eggs during cancer because I accepted what was showing itself. Infertility & maturity. Had I done so they’d still be waiting since I’m on round 2. Ain’t no way I say yay at 50. So instead my future fur babies will get the honours and birth announcement as we deserve to make the fridge like you did mine. A photo shows joy for a new buddy be it human or fur. Simba seems to want to live forever so could be a while yet till you get my latest post in mail!  I don’t weep at not being a mother but I do think about not carrying on some history on the tree. Common Shane pucker up, just don't steal my names! But how do I look at legacy not involving DNA?  That is my next thing to sort out and I’m hoping it’ll be via ostomy awareness which really is a cool anatomy lesson. 

Parts of my old life like driving my car, are starting again. I’ve been cleared to go for walks but still no heavy lifting or any form of struggle I can’t take physically or emotionally. It’s hard to have been on mostly bed rest up till now. It’s time to start with walks. A little longer each time to help my physical healing. My GI ordered blood work to make sure my Crohn’s is being treated properly and showed some low vitamin levels such as B12 so I’ll be adding supplements to my routine. 

Plastics will see me again next month but all seems to be healing as predicted. Another minor surgery in 6 months or so to finish it all up. Overall my swelling has started to go down again as it was stagnant for a while. Wearing socks left marks, my ankles more like kankles!  We’re sorting out meds which may have played a role. Healing has so many hills I never really expected it to be so hard. Saying you have a long road ahead is a lot easier than living it but I’m doing my best. 

Full disclosure I fell asleep writing this around paragraph 3 but woke up early to finish. I’m still tired but no sense sleeping now and struggling again tonight. Instead I think I’ll give Winnie her first bath, mop my floors and head out for a walk this afternoon. Sounds like a few steps (literally) in the right direction. 

 XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch

Phases

What’s a phase to you? Perhaps fashion, hair or even friends? Up until 2014 I had phases similar to these. My Madonna inspired short cut (not a good phase FYI). I lived in a house with 4 girls, where all we drank was Molson Dry. I’m not a beer gal but that was one heck of a Xmas party. We mailed out invites, yes kids, no email in 1998!  My fashion love phase has grown stronger but currently on hiatus. 

These last 4 years have brought on 2 cancer battles so my phases were now about chemo, radiation, surgery and recovery. Then after the recovery phase seemed to end in 2016, it brought a year of dancing at my local pub, working even though I struggled, along with great new friends in a new community. 

This 2nd recovery phase has been tough, even if you know you’ll improve week by week. Surgery-hospital-home. There’s the learning on how to walk again, how to seem sane on medications, (I posted Instagram videos high at weird times lol) & learning how to manage your colostomy. The plastics phase has yet to reveal itself, bit early still. 

Now that my 18 day hospital stay is over, I’ve been in my home phase for just shy of a month. Unreal to know I could hardly stand when I came home, and now I shimmy out of my couch with no help needed. I’ve got the emptying of my colostomy bag Winnie down to 5 strips of TP with which I clean it. I recently started standing in my shower no longer requiring a bench and nurse. I still can’t bend or be on my feet for extended amounts of time. So this phase annoyingly makes me ask you for help. Help putting on my socks and shoes. I need you to be in my home while I shower just in case I fall. I need you to prep me food so it’s easy for me to warm it up. I need you to help scoop Simbas kitty box (Ew! sorry lol). It’s so great to be at these points but I’ve got so much more to follow. The bending phase is coming then y’all are off the hook! 

My swelling is getting less every week it’s just taking time. When it’s over, Winnie and I will be able to sit up straight for an entire meal and join you in a restaurant. Oh the little phases we take for granted. I’ve really looked at things by phases so I don’t jump too far ahead. If I don’t keep it real and do the work, I won’t get there. And if I’m being completely honest I have zero clue of what “there” is...TBD.  One thing I have learned through my phases thus far, Winnie is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m starting to feel like the real me in so many ways. This is my best phase yet!

On a serious personal note....

A dear man known to me as Uncle Petey passed away recently. I’d like you to know he was talented with many things including welding. For my 21st birthday he created me what we called ‘Mannequin Man’ but really it’s a structure to toss clothes on after they’re worn. Thanks uncle Petey for this gift over 20 years ago....it’s always used as an excuse not to hang something!  I see you everyday in your creation and remember you always.  #foreveryoung

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

#winniethepouch