Where would we be without a little help from our friends? There are countless songs about friends, and lest us never forget the still popular TV show ‘Friends’. Best of all our actual friends who we, or at least I, think would make one a heck of a cast!
Today I had my dearest pals, their partners and children over for one of our BFFs gender reveal. Erynn and I were throwing this shindig together and never once did we tell any of the others the sex of Cathy’s baby. Our vault was closed and nobody knew up until today when the balloons were popped, the blue one containing confetti. If you’re smart you understand it’s a boy!
I set off to pick up the balloons an hour pre-party and found myself driving home a little bit emotional. As I looked in my rear view mirror the pink and blue balloons bouncing around, I couldn’t help but get a little teary eyed. If I’m being completely honest I wasn’t feeling emotions for my friend but instead for myself. It was a very real moment realizing that I’ll never have my own gender reveal party. I haven’t felt emotional on this level since my first diagnosis in 2014.
Upon diagnosis my doctors let me know that my cancer treatments would make me infertile. Along with that information I was told I could try to salvage my eggs should I want to try for kids in the future. Before I babble even further, I must say I do not regret my decision so this isn’t a blog of regret. I decided not to salvage any eggs as I was almost 39, very single, would need a surrogate and maybe even a donor. It was just too many factors for me, had I been 10 years younger I probably would have. I called my friends that day telling them my choice. We cried together on those phone calls but knew it was a well thought out decision, just a super hard one. Jump ahead to 2018 my cancer is back, this time a hysterectomy among other things, so no 1% miracle baby chance left!
Today those exact people were on their way to my home with their kids. It just hit me during that short drive. Saving me from further tears was knowing Erynn would possibly already be at my place and I didn't want to greet her a mess when we’re about to celebrate a new baby for our amazing friend. I turned up my music, shook my head, checked my eyeliner and marched in to my place balloons in hand. I only beat her by about 30 seconds.
So here’s how I know I made the right decision for me. I love children and no doubt would have been a fantastic mother, but I never saw myself being a mom later in life cancer or not. I mail the kids cards, I’ll do fun things like face paints, give them toys, go to movies, play with them over the adults etc etc. Basically the fun stuff...then they become teens and it all goes south lol. But in all seriousness I enjoy that type of relationship and when the kids call me auntie or tell me I’m cool, I melt a little. Still never made a god mother to any one child so what kind of friends are you people!!!
I see things differently after being through such tough times with some very tough decisions made. Women don’t have to be mothers, it’s not our only role, but had you asked me that question in my 20’s or early 30’s I would have told you different. We don’t have to judge ourselves for scars, marks, Ostomy’s or any other imperfections. Yes it’s easier said than done...but I think we just have to live and love our truth a little bit more. Today I needed a little reminder of that.
Friends. How would I be without you.
🎶I’ll be there for you...’cause you’re there for me too🎶
PS-Still no hernia surgery date. They’re big & uncomfortable, back pain now in the mix. Gosh maybe I can relate to pregnancy after all lol lol.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch
