Choo choo

A locomotive goes 🎶choo choo🎶 and I’ve often thought of myself like a train. My way of choo-choo’ing is by remaining positive and by taking the wins when they come. However there are many railway tracks to travel and sometimes a derailment happens. I feel derailed right now.

I’m so darn angry and with that comes sadness.  If I’m being completely honest with myself and with you I’m an emotional wreck. I feel like I’ve been hit by a train, like my caboose stayed at one station while the rest of my train at another.  As a little girl I heard the tale about the “train that could” he just kept trying and eventually did. But for crying out loud I’m so sick of trying. If I was to draw myself as a cartoon train I’d be the long eyelash lipstick wearing train with tears in her big brown eyes. I just can’t stop crying tonight.

I’ve had f-ing cancer twice. It’s made me infertille. I have a colostomy. I’ve had parts rebuilt. I have hernias. I’m not ok. Throughout all my treatments I’ve lost a minimal amount of weight, I didn’t even get a revenge body FFS!  A breast cancer survivor qualifies for reconstruction so why the heck can’t I qualify for, or shall I say be approved for, a goddam tummy tuck. No I was not a skinny mini before this all started however my hernias have really done a number on me. I’m so goddam mad that my body has been through so much that I’m scared I’m now falling in to a depression. I’ve never felt so down. As much as I’m an advocate and the joy it brings me in doing so, it’s just not enough. Perhaps I’m just feeling things a bit more than usual tonight as yesterday marked 9 months since surgery, I honestly don’t know.

I want oh so much to be the survivor who does amazing things but any time I start to feel that way I feel like I’m getting slapped in the face over & over again. I sit here and think what can I do to resolve this but it’s just not that easy.  I’m in constant discomfort and pain and just can’t seem to unlock the path to help me be that survivor. I hate life after cancer, it’s so much harder than life during cancer which is crazy to say. I’m at the point that I feel I need strict rules and regulations to see any sort of solution because without them I just don’t know how I’ll overcome this hurdle.

For 4 years I’ve been trying my best to be positive and to look on the bright side, but if I had a towel right now I’d toss it in the ring. I won’t give up because it’s not in my DNA, however I understand struggle like never before. Every single one of us has a limit...seems I’ve just hit mine. I’m done being strong so maybe it’s time to be angry and vengeful...I really don’t know but I got to figure this out.

People are worse off...this too shall pass...others have been through worse, all things I tell myself when I’m in a dark spot. As much as it has helped in the past it just isn’t this time.  I’ve been through extreme agony and it’s ok to acknowledge it. I begged for mercy after chemo & radiation. I’m sick of begging for mercy which is where I find myself physically today. It’s now affecting my psyche which hasn’t really happened before.

I’m left with this thought. Trains can be repaired after derailment right?  So how can I get myself repaired physically and emotionally because goddam I hate this space I’m in.  In saying all this I know I’m strong, that I’m a fighter and that I’ll conduct my train in killer cute overalls with a bold red lip. Just sucks I’ve had so many accidents along the way.  Choo-frickin-hoo.

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer
#winniethepouch

Ostomate and the City

Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte & Samantha are a cast of names you most likely know.  The TV show ‘Sex and the City’ first aired in 1998 when I was 23 years old and summed up in 2004. I didn’t watch it religiously straight away but later as I approached 30 I bought the DVD collection binging it for months. My late 20’s and early 30’s were spent living in Calgary as it was a booming young vibrant city in Canada at that time. My girlfriends and I were a lot like them although we didn’t wear Manolo Blahniks but we did hail yellow cabs!

I’ve been branching out on Instagram and YouTube with other cancer warriors and ostomates so decided I needed a fitting name. Most people I’ve discovered have the word ostomy, stoma or cancer in their handle and a name came to me after watching another feed. It just clicked...Ostomate and the City!  I haden’t thought of this show and it’s amaxing characters in quite some time but it just popped in to my thoughts.   How would these ladies handle being a 2 time cancer survivor and ostomate for life?  All I could think is that they’d own it. My YouTube and Instagram now carry this name. 

Latest happenings for me still involves waiting. I’m waiting to hear when I’ll have my final plastics surgery to smooth out the skin that replaced where my tumour once was. Still no word as to when my massive hernias will be surgically fixed and as a result of this fix my stoma will change. Fitting that just as I get Winnie stable I’ll have to go through all my bag fits and tricks to maintain bag longevity all over again. But honestly the changing stoma is the least of my worries as I’m so darn uncomfortable.  I’ve been going to the ostomy clinic on a weekly or bi-weekly basis since surgery nearly 9 months ago and my nurse now recommends I come in as needed.  I was elated to hear she felt I’m self sufficient enough and although I’ll miss seeing them on the regular, I walked out super happy.

I had a good cry on the phone with my brother that night even after such great news. Earlier that day I had a slight fall in the shower and once I settled in for the night my hernias were causing me a lot of pain. I took some pain pills and while changing in to my pjs saw my hernias in the mirror along with Winnie and my scar. I just started crying. Between the pain and the image I got rattled. I’m as upbeat as anyone can really be after so much pain and physical change, but it just all kinda sat on my shoulders at that moment looking in the mirror.  The next day I called my doctors office and was told the surgeons name whom I’ve been referred to for my hernias. Unfortunately I’m on a waiting list but I called and left a message saying I’m struggling and would like to be seen.  Maybe I’m being too calm and not really expressing to my doctors how bad I really feel. I’ve been in many worse medical situations that I probably hold my current state to a lower level. They’re huge. They need to go. 

Making acquaintances with others like me is really empowering and I’ve already had some great moments and feedback. Numerous people from all over the world have messaged me saying how they relate or how I’ve helped them. They too have helped me. Not one persons story is the exact same, however the end result oh so close.  Only those who live with cancer or an ostomy really comprehend so I need these people in my life to help me and my purpose. 

Carrie was a writer and this blog has now exceeded 99,000 views.  Vlogging is new to me and like to think she would have done the same had it been 2018. Miranda almost always single eventually settling down later in life which seems to be the way I’m headed. Charlotte always a great hostess and I love to entertain. Samantha survived breast cancer. Had she had vulvar cancer I jokingly say she probably would have ended her life ha ha ha.

From now on out I’m chanelling these 4 characters, or ladies, because they seem so real to me.  I need to think of what  they would wear, what would they say, what they would do a heck of a lot more. Although they’re fictional women they were strong and I related to them, still do.  Hopefully my name will relate to others and I’ll meet some more empowering women (and men) throughout  this next chapter. 

XOXO

C

#carly2conquercancer

#winniethepouch