I haven't written much the last few months but must have been dreaming about it last night. I just woke up (it's 5am) grabbed my iPad and here we are. I've had some ups and downs the last while and wasn't sure how to say it in words or if I was even meant to share. It's funny how you go from sharing everything from your medication to your radiation, and suddenly post treatment, you seek balance and boundaries.
Coping with a cancer battle is similar to coping with the loss of a loved one. You grieve, you say goodbye to that relationship and then you move on. One thing I was really struggling with was the moving on. At first I was all excited and ready to take on anything and everything, but after that dust settled I felt guilt. Guilt for forgetting the agonizing pain, for forgetting the taste in my mouth from the chemo, for forgetting how precious life is and for forgetting how easily it can disappear. I didn't realize all this at the time and suspect it contributed to my anxiety just as much as my food issues did.
A few weeks ago I went in for my usual 3 month checkup. I've gotten comfortable with my checkups as I've always been fine but this visit was different. My doctor saw some concern and performed a biopsy. Of course the one time I don't have my mom or a friend with me this happens, but I remained calm & called my aunt to talk it out. It was my first real scare over the last year and a few days later heard the biopsy was negative...no cancer had returned. Needless to say after that phone call I was doing a happy dance and I'm not such a great dancer!
These struggles have also brought forth some greatness. As my 2 year diagnosis date of July 11th approaches, I'm thinking of no better time to take back the reigns and looking for work again. In saying that, I need to make sure I have balance and don't take on more than I can handle. I'm not the same physically that I was before and although my head/ego thinks I can, my body says different.
In order to volunteer at the Cancer Agency you need to remain cancer free for over a year. Now that I've exceeded the 1 year mark I'm able to volunteer if they'll take me. With regular life seemingly coming back my way, what a great way for me to stay grounded, to rid myself of the guilt and to gain more balance in this new beggining.
XOXO
C
#carly2conquercancer
